Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Nope. Teenagers have a right to express their feelings. He is well within normal behavior to say I don’t want to go there over the Thanksgiving Holiday. OP stated that she would honestly prefer to stay home too. Frankly, they sound absolutely horrible. I’m team son on this one. OPs first attempt to tell her family they wouldn’t be making it was fine. Things went downhill after this.

Rule 1. Do not try to explain why your son doesn’t want to be around these people. You are making more of a mess. It’s making the crazy relatives angry and it’s laying all the “blame” on your kid. These are rude bat sh$&t people who don’t care about your kid. They do sound like bullies. Don’t let any relative tell you what is or isn’t acceptable regarding your kid. Draw a line and protect your kid.

Rule 2. Stop expecting crazy people to suddenly develop manners and empathy. Not gonna happen. Grow a backbone.

Rule 3 Stand up for your son and DH is they screw with him too. Do not meekly apologize that they are not the way the brutish trash pile wants them to be. Heck no. Put an immediate stop to that nonsense.

Rule 4. When you do visit this den of pushy people, limit the amount of time. Create escape values by staying at a hotel, figuring out other activities. If the pushy people won’t accept this don’t go at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

THIS.

OP also stated there are 22 grandkids running around. I have a hard time believing there is not ONE grandchild in that cohort to hang out with. It sounds like some grandkids did try to get to know him better through group chats, and he refuses to participate. If you set yourself apart over and over again, after awhile everyone will assume you have nothing in common. OP constantly saying the kid and family members are opposites makes me wonder how well OP knows these nieces and nephews…or are there assumptions being made on OP’s part about the interests of these 22 (22!) people? Something here doesn’t fully add up. The family may not be a cake walk, but OP’s own family unit spends a lot of breathe “othering” themselves from the larger family.

Hello Crazy aunt Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

THIS.

OP also stated there are 22 grandkids running around. I have a hard time believing there is not ONE grandchild in that cohort to hang out with. It sounds like some grandkids did try to get to know him better through group chats, and he refuses to participate. If you set yourself apart over and over again, after awhile everyone will assume you have nothing in common. OP constantly saying the kid and family members are opposites makes me wonder how well OP knows these nieces and nephews…or are there assumptions being made on OP’s part about the interests of these 22 (22!) people? Something here doesn’t fully add up. The family may not be a cake walk, but OP’s own family unit spends a lot of breathe “othering” themselves from the larger family.

Hello Crazy aunt Karen.

What exactly makes this crazy?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Yeah and then crazy aunt Karen berating him for being weird in not joining the TikTok or whatever is awful. Yuck!

He’s not going to engage with these people once he’s 18 so instead of wasting the next 4-5 years in aunt Karen purgatory why not have nice peaceful holidays as a small nuclear family. Go visit your parents when it’s calmer without 22 cousins and a bunch of judgmental eyeballs criticizing your kid for not engaging the way they demand.

[Anonymous]

It's one day a year. He can suck it up and so can they. As long as they don't make him feel bad for who he is, just monitor it, let him say hi and disappear to his room.

[Anonymous]

It could be that your DS, along with other kids at public school, got brainwashed against the relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be that your DS, along with other kids at public school, got brainwashed against the relatives.

Oh! You might be rightmost! Must be those loseted trany drag queens who demand we use pronouns! Teachers have so much time to brainwash kids now that prayer has been removed from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

This. Have him attend for 3 hours.

We know several failure to launch males who prefer gaming to real life.

Real life has challenges and is not easy. Learn to interact with others from other walks of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Kid needs to suck it up for one or two days a year. Good life lesson for him as he will have many things in his future he doesn't want to do and can't get out of them by complaining to his parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Yeah and then crazy aunt Karen berating him for being weird in not joining the TikTok or whatever is awful. Yuck!

He’s not going to engage with these people once he’s 18 so instead of wasting the next 4-5 years in aunt Karen purgatory why not have nice peaceful holidays as a small nuclear family. Go visit your parents when it’s calmer without 22 cousins and a bunch of judgmental eyeballs criticizing your kid for not engaging the way they demand.

I think we’ve found the posters who use any reason not to spend time with family. Let me guess: you drop people from your life the minute you realize they aren’t exactly how you expect them to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Well, it sounds like the kid won’t engage with the family when he’s around them. If he won’t talk to them in person, won’t engage in social media, this does not sound like people excluding and bullying, it sounds like he is sending a clear signal of opting out. OP should own this. She’s trying to make it sound like, “but they are so mean to him.” The kid doesn’t sound introverted, he sounds anti-social. It also doesn’t sound like OP is interested in fixing this. If the kid is anti-social because the extended family has been so mean to him all these years, what kind of parent allows that to happen year after year? So either Op is a negligent parent and let some a$$holes mistreat her kid for years, or OP isn’t fully disclosing how socially inappropriate the kid is. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Yeah and then crazy aunt Karen berating him for being weird in not joining the TikTok or whatever is awful. Yuck!

He’s not going to engage with these people once he’s 18 so instead of wasting the next 4-5 years in aunt Karen purgatory why not have nice peaceful holidays as a small nuclear family. Go visit your parents when it’s calmer without 22 cousins and a bunch of judgmental eyeballs criticizing your kid for not engaging the way they demand.

I think we’ve found the posters who use any reason not to spend time with family. Let me guess: you drop people from your life the minute you realize they aren’t exactly how you expect them to be.

No I drop people who demand things just because they’re family. These people are rude, obnoxious and only getting away with acting so badly because they are playing the family card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay - there's a lot to unpack here.

Let's start with - you're the parent. If you agreed with your child that what was best for your family was to stay home for the holidays this year, then that's what you should do. Why are you considering caving because you parents are throwing a tantrum and name calling? If you just didn't want to upset your child, and now you don't know what to do because you also don't want to upset you parents, then you really need to grow a backbone. You're the parent, you decide what makes the most sense, and if those around you are going to tantrum, then so be it. It seems to me, that since you told your son you were staying home, and you were fine with that, you shouldn't change your mind because your parents are being dillweeds.

But further on than that, let's talk more about these visits. Are they nearby enough that they're a day visit? Or do you have to travel? I think it's worth finding a way (long term, not necessarily this year) to teach your introverted child how to spend time with relatives, and stand up for your child with your relatives to make the trip more pleasant. What that looks like depends on the details - but if it's a day trip, you make it short. If it's an overnight, you build in times during the trip when your son gets time to himself. Frequent, lengthy times. Remember - in just about 10 short years, YOU will be the relatives that your son won't always want to visit for holidays. Finding ways to have family relationships even when you're an introvert is a valuable skill for your son (and I say this as an introvert myself). Does he have his own space on these trips? I think, particularly since you're (pending the previous paragraph) standing up to your family and staying home this year as he wants, you have some latitude to talk to him and troubleshoot together how to make these visits manageable for him in the future.

Also (it's hard to tell from your description) make sure that he isn't being rude or treating them poorly. A good rule of thumb is less time, but behave well during it. I'd much rather my kid sit and chat nicely with grandma for an hour at dinner, then run and hide in the room he's staying in for the rest of the night reading and playing video games, than grump through four hours of forced family togetherness. Now, at 14, his social skills aren't going to be fabulous and that's okay, but he's old enough to survive a couple of annoying "so how's school?" conversations and help with the dishes.

And lastly - what's with the way your relatives treat him? They're repeatedly asking "why is he like this?" in a negative tone?? And you're... trying to explain introversion to them? No! Try, "Excuse me? Larlo is perfect exactly as he is!" You need to stand up for your kid here, and start reinforcing the message that treating a relative with distain is hurtful and unacceptable. And if they CAN'T treat him well - then yeah, stop seeing them and tell them exactly why!

This. Just keep in mind that in the future DS and family may very well be telling you "sorry, no visitors, we are having a quiet holiday at home" for the rest of your life and there won't be much you can say about it. It's not just about here and now, it's the kind of behavior you want to model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

Oh man, much love to your son.

That was me at 15. I had different interests than most of my extended family but was constantly asked to go to family events where people would get annoyed with me for just not being what they wanted/expected. They are/were really into teasing as a form of humor, loud arguments, playing very competitive board games. None of that stuff is for me and I'd have to just run and bear it.

It's particularly frustrating with a family like this because there is no meeting you halfway. They think their way is "correct" and anything else is a problem to be fixed. So if you are quiet, you must be questioned and made to talk. If you take some time to yourself, you must be involved in a group activity. If you ask for space, you're "standoffish" and need to learn to relax. And so on. It would have been amazing if my parents had stood up for me or if anyone, even just one person, had been like "just leave her alone, she's doing her own thing." It was not permitted.

Please give him an out, OP. No one should have to spend a whole weekend, much less a holiday, being made to feel like a bad person just for being themself.