Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

^^ to add to this, you can certainly have conversations with kids about their feelings, about the expectations of others, what you'd like to see, what you'd prefer they do, strategies to make it easier/better and what to do when it's too much but the choice should be the kid's. Otherwise, you're telling them that their needs don't matter and are subordinate to others. That's not a message I would send to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

^^ to add to this, you can certainly have conversations with kids about their feelings, about the expectations of others, what you'd like to see, what you'd prefer they do, strategies to make it easier/better and what to do when it's too much but the choice should be the kid's. Otherwise, you're telling them that their needs don't matter and are subordinate to others. That's not a message I would send to my kids.

In a world where people are only conditioned to think about their own needs, you end up with a society of narcissistic jerks. I need sleep, but my sick child also needs someone to clean up his puke. My daughter needs to eat, but she also needs to pee. Those two needs cannot be fulfilled simultaneously. Sometimes your needs can’t be met the moment you want them to. There is also a difference between a “need” and a “want.” Plenty of people confuse the two. A kid does not “need” to play video games. He wants to play them. Big difference. If you cannot see the difference between having a kid outside their comfort zone to socialize with family versus forcing a kid to be physically affectionate, you are either not bright or being deliberately obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

^^ to add to this, you can certainly have conversations with kids about their feelings, about the expectations of others, what you'd like to see, what you'd prefer they do, strategies to make it easier/better and what to do when it's too much but the choice should be the kid's. Otherwise, you're telling them that their needs don't matter and are subordinate to others. That's not a message I would send to my kids.

In a world where people are only conditioned to think about their own needs, you end up with a society of narcissistic jerks. I need sleep, but my sick child also needs someone to clean up his puke. My daughter needs to eat, but she also needs to pee. Those two needs cannot be fulfilled simultaneously. Sometimes your needs can’t be met the moment you want them to. There is also a difference between a “need” and a “want.” Plenty of people confuse the two. A kid does not “need” to play video games. He wants to play them. Big difference. If you cannot see the difference between having a kid outside their comfort zone to socialize with family versus forcing a kid to be physically affectionate, you are either not bright or being deliberately obtuse.

Except the situation OP describes is not about 'outside their comfort zone' it's being made to feel, by the people who should unconditionally love and accept you, that there is something wrong with you, where you are hounded for attention and questions asked about 'what's wrong' with you. This isn't about a kid who would rather play game/read than socialize. This is a situation that is emotionally damaging. It's not being able to protect yourself from those who tear you down. It is no different than having your agency taken away by being pressured to show someone affection.

I also question your family and social circles if you believe people are 'only condition to think about their own needs". A kid does not "need" to attend an event where he's made to feel unwelcome. If extended family members 'want' to see their younger relatives, they 'need' to be held accountable for poor behavior or that younger relative 'needs' to stay away from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS announced this past weekend that he does not want to spend Thanksgiving or any other holiday with his grandparents this year. Said he'd much rather spend the holidays in his room, reading or playing video games, than with them. It's my side of the family. He never got along with them, he's a quiet introverted kid, rather bookish, absolutely non-athletic. They are all polar opposites. I don't mind to stay in either this holiday season, so I let my parents know. Well, they threw a fit, my siblings too, they are calling our little family "selfish". DH thinks we should just bite the bullet and see them, but I want to respect my DS feelings too. If he is not up to it, he is not up to it. I think pressuring him will cause more harm than good.

How do I get my parents and siblings to understand?

You don't. Just do what you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

You didn't read op's responses did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

You need therapy. Nobody makes teenagers hug and kiss anyone. That’s why I said little kids. Weirdo. Why are you so angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one day a year. He can suck it up and so can they. As long as they don't make him feel bad for who he is, just monitor it, let him say hi and disappear to his room.

There will days when you have to suck it up. But this ain't one one them.

[Anonymous]

This is not kid refusing to have contact. This is extremely introverted kid not wanting to spend the holiday with people who do not see, understand or respect him as an individual.
Why haven’t you told these people to leave your kid alone a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not kid refusing to have contact. This is extremely introverted kid not wanting to spend the holiday with people who do not see, understand or respect him as an individual.
Why haven’t you told these people to leave your kid alone a long time ago.

Yeah this is doesn’t make sense: if this kid has been picked on so horrendously, why has OP never stood up for him? OP could have and should have shut this down years ago. This makes me think that OP is overstating the family’s behavior in order to make an excuse for why the kid doesn’t want to attend. OP followed up with a response from a relative that did not seem unkind at all towards the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

You need therapy. Nobody makes teenagers hug and kiss anyone. That’s why I said little kids. Weirdo. Why are you so angry?

Really? Why do you make little kids do that but not teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

You need therapy. Nobody makes teenagers hug and kiss anyone. That’s why I said little kids. Weirdo. Why are you so angry?

Really? Why do you make little kids do that but not teenagers?

Most people don’t make little kids do it either.

[Anonymous]

I never made DS hug and kiss the line of in-laws at every monthly family gathering. They aren’t the Queen of England. Body autonomy is important to me as a SA survivor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

You need therapy. Nobody makes teenagers hug and kiss anyone. That’s why I said little kids. Weirdo. Why are you so angry?

PP you’re responding to. I've had a lot of therapy and what I've stated is consistent with healthy boundaries. It's people like you who attempt to deflect/demean/dismiss ("why are you so angry", "you need therapy") that perpetuate toxicity.

Although, like the PP, I have to wonder why you don't make your teenagers hug/kiss relatives. If respecting boundaries are important for one group, why not the other? Emotional boundaries are as important as physical boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if those of you who say OP's DS should attend also make your kids hug/kiss adults when they don't want to. Do you make your kids play with those who make them feel different, make them feel there's something wrong with them, hound/pursue them? I don't and, therefore, wouldn't make my teenager attend an event where he's made to feel bad because of his differences.

Oh please. There’s a huge difference between insisting your teenager attend family holiday gatherings and making little kids hug and kiss relatives. You people really are over the top.

No, there is no difference. That you can't see it's the same scenario is disturbing. And, it's not just little kids who shouldn't be required/pressured to hug and kiss relatives. It's anyone. Parents should not pressure their kids to subsume their need for safety (physical and/or emotional) to conform to the desires of others.

^^ to add to this, you can certainly have conversations with kids about their feelings, about the expectations of others, what you'd like to see, what you'd prefer they do, strategies to make it easier/better and what to do when it's too much but the choice should be the kid's. Otherwise, you're telling them that their needs don't matter and are subordinate to others. That's not a message I would send to my kids.

In a world where people are only conditioned to think about their own needs, you end up with a society of narcissistic jerks. I need sleep, but my sick child also needs someone to clean up his puke. My daughter needs to eat, but she also needs to pee. Those two needs cannot be fulfilled simultaneously. Sometimes your needs can’t be met the moment you want them to. There is also a difference between a “need” and a “want.” Plenty of people confuse the two. A kid does not “need” to play video games. He wants to play them. Big difference. If you cannot see the difference between having a kid outside their comfort zone to socialize with family versus forcing a kid to be physically affectionate, you are either not bright or being deliberately obtuse.

DP here,
Are you crazy or just pretending to be. OP has consistently pointed out how her family belittles , fails to understand or respect her son for who he is. I would subject my child to that either. And he is a teen so he said he wants to play video games, I guess it never occurred to your genius a** that was his inarticulate genius way of saying he wanted to stay home where he felt rmiysafe and secure. I guess you could not figure that out, huh?