Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

That was me at every family event, and I've turned out just the way I like, with a small circle of friends living a quiet life. I have a good relationship with my elderly relatives at whose dinners I read. My kids went through phases were they, too, brought books to read at certain events. It has never been a problem.

You're very petty and narrow-minded, PP.

Doing what you want when you want seems far more petty and narrow-minded.

This is not what I said, and you know it. So stop trolling.

Someone who disagrees with the behavior you advocate is a troll? Maybe you need to learn how to argue your point rather than calling names. My point about pettiness and narrow-mindedness actually seems even more appropriate given your childish response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay - there's a lot to unpack here.

Let's start with - you're the parent. If you agreed with your child that what was best for your family was to stay home for the holidays this year, then that's what you should do. Why are you considering caving because you parents are throwing a tantrum and name calling? If you just didn't want to upset your child, and now you don't know what to do because you also don't want to upset you parents, then you really need to grow a backbone. You're the parent, you decide what makes the most sense, and if those around you are going to tantrum, then so be it. It seems to me, that since you told your son you were staying home, and you were fine with that, you shouldn't change your mind because your parents are being dillweeds.

But further on than that, let's talk more about these visits. Are they nearby enough that they're a day visit? Or do you have to travel? I think it's worth finding a way (long term, not necessarily this year) to teach your introverted child how to spend time with relatives, and stand up for your child with your relatives to make the trip more pleasant. What that looks like depends on the details - but if it's a day trip, you make it short. If it's an overnight, you build in times during the trip when your son gets time to himself. Frequent, lengthy times. Remember - in just about 10 short years, YOU will be the relatives that your son won't always want to visit for holidays. Finding ways to have family relationships even when you're an introvert is a valuable skill for your son (and I say this as an introvert myself). Does he have his own space on these trips? I think, particularly since you're (pending the previous paragraph) standing up to your family and staying home this year as he wants, you have some latitude to talk to him and troubleshoot together how to make these visits manageable for him in the future.

Also (it's hard to tell from your description) make sure that he isn't being rude or treating them poorly. A good rule of thumb is less time, but behave well during it. I'd much rather my kid sit and chat nicely with grandma for an hour at dinner, then run and hide in the room he's staying in for the rest of the night reading and playing video games, than grump through four hours of forced family togetherness. Now, at 14, his social skills aren't going to be fabulous and that's okay, but he's old enough to survive a couple of annoying "so how's school?" conversations and help with the dishes.

And lastly - what's with the way your relatives treat him? They're repeatedly asking "why is he like this?" in a negative tone?? And you're... trying to explain introversion to them? No! Try, "Excuse me? Larlo is perfect exactly as he is!" You need to stand up for your kid here, and start reinforcing the message that treating a relative with distain is hurtful and unacceptable. And if they CAN'T treat him well - then yeah, stop seeing them and tell them exactly why!

It is more like in a puzzled tone. "Sure is different from you and the rest of us. Why isn't he into sports? Well, has he tried this/or this/or that? Wow, just not into that. He is into Dungeons & Dragons? And Yearbook? That's not very active". DS is polite to them, he is not outwardly rude. He will maintain a conversation with my siblings and cousins. It also irks them that he never engages with them on social media. Cousins created a Snapchat group, he never participates or responds. They tried adding him on TikTok, he did not add them back. My siblings main complaint is "he never engages with our children, they are nice to him, why is he so aloof" and my "favorite" one: "Mom and Dad are upset that your DS is not "present"". He doesn't share much about himself unless asked. "We love him, but he pushes us away"

[Anonymous]

So, he has family members who’ve tried to engage him, and he simply will not engage? The family comments are rude. But his ongoing behavior of rejection also feels rude to them. Don’t go to Thanksgiving. Everyone will be relieved not to have an anti-social Family member rejecting them in person.

Your son’s problem is not being unathletic or introverted. His problem is that he is rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

So I’m an extrovert and I wouldn’t want to spend a week with those people either! As an extrovert, I completely understand that some people are introverts and give them space. Being an extrovert does not mean rudely questioning why someone can’t be like the rest of the group! That’s just obnoxious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, he has family members who’ve tried to engage him, and he simply will not engage? The family comments are rude. But his ongoing behavior of rejection also feels rude to them. Don’t go to Thanksgiving. Everyone will be relieved not to have an anti-social Family member rejecting them in person.

Your son’s problem is not being unathletic or introverted. His problem is that he is rude!

Do you not know the difference between an invitation and an summons? There is a wide continuum between 'acceptance' and 'rejection'. If someone wants to 'lurk' and not engage, that's fine. OP's DS is only considered rude by his relatives because he doesn't choose to comply how they're demanding he behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, he has family members who’ve tried to engage him, and he simply will not engage? The family comments are rude. But his ongoing behavior of rejection also feels rude to them. Don’t go to Thanksgiving. Everyone will be relieved not to have an anti-social Family member rejecting them in person.

Your son’s problem is not being unathletic or introverted. His problem is that he is rude!

He’s not being rude the others are being crazy pushy. Personally, I would go ballistic if any extended family member rudely asked why is he like this.

OP you all deserve a break. Stay home. Let them flip, just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, he has family members who’ve tried to engage him, and he simply will not engage? The family comments are rude. But his ongoing behavior of rejection also feels rude to them. Don’t go to Thanksgiving. Everyone will be relieved not to have an anti-social Family member rejecting them in person.

Your son’s problem is not being unathletic or introverted. His problem is that he is rude!

Well I wish they were relieved. It's now been 2 days of non-stop "can't you guys come? This is so bad you are by yourselves on the holidays" or "make him come, this is unacceptable, all grandkids are there" and my favorite "this is not fair to Mom and Dad". I love my parents, I do, they are awesome. But I hate to say it, they have 22 grandkids, with 1 not there I think they'll be just fine.

I will not force him to come if he doesn't want to. Then he will really clam up and he won't have conversations with anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, your extended family sounds really unkind and like bullies. I’m saying that to validate the weird feeling you have about them and your holiday plans, not to make you feel bad.

I have a huge, boisterous, hard-drinking, sporty family. I was the baby of all of the cousins. They didn’t make fun of me when they watched scary movies that I couldn’t handle or when the outside games got too rough for me or when I got overwhelmed by their big-family chaos.

They covered my eyes during scary movies, tucked me in when I wanted to go to bed earlier than everyone else, and reserved a little chair in a quiet corner by the fire for me so I could read while everyone else piled on each other on the sectional to watch football.

Your son’s cousins and aunts and uncles sound awful and I wish I could give him my cousins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, he has family members who’ve tried to engage him, and he simply will not engage? The family comments are rude. But his ongoing behavior of rejection also feels rude to them. Don’t go to Thanksgiving. Everyone will be relieved not to have an anti-social Family member rejecting them in person.

Your son’s problem is not being unathletic or introverted. His problem is that he is rude!

Well I wish they were relieved. It's now been 2 days of non-stop "can't you guys come? This is so bad you are by yourselves on the holidays" or "make him come, this is unacceptable, all grandkids are there" and my favorite "this is not fair to Mom and Dad". I love my parents, I do, they are awesome. But I hate to say it, they have 22 grandkids, with 1 not there I think they'll be just fine.

I will not force him to come if he doesn't want to. Then he will really clam up and he won't have conversations with anyone.

22 kids at Thanksgiving?! Wow, you buried the lede! Are they all sitting at the table, engaged? Or running around the whole time or outside doing sporty stuff? No wonder DS wants to read and not be in all the buzz. Some thrive in that. I can also see how a kid would not enjoy that, even dread it.

[Anonymous]

Stick to your stay at home plan.

[Anonymous]

Your family sounds selfish and awful. Team DS. I wouldn’t want to spend my Thanksgiving with them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

Sitting at a holiday celebration reading a book in the corner shows poor social skills. You may not have a problem with that, but rude is how the vast majority of the world will view that behavior. We are talking Thanksgiving dinner, not a week at the beach.

Oh be quiet. They aren’t talking about him reading a book during the actual dunner. Duh. And it’s rude to force yourself on someone the entire day and not give them a chance to decompress if they need to. Double duh.

[Anonymous]

Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

[Anonymous]

"Refusing" contact is melodramatic. The whole family sounds melodramatic. I'd start there. Dial back the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

THIS.

OP also stated there are 22 grandkids running around. I have a hard time believing there is not ONE grandchild in that cohort to hang out with. It sounds like some grandkids did try to get to know him better through group chats, and he refuses to participate. If you set yourself apart over and over again, after awhile everyone will assume you have nothing in common. OP constantly saying the kid and family members are opposites makes me wonder how well OP knows these nieces and nephews…or are there assumptions being made on OP’s part about the interests of these 22 (22!) people? Something here doesn’t fully add up. The family may not be a cake walk, but OP’s own family unit spends a lot of breathe “othering” themselves from the larger family.