Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like oil and water.

Frankly, your family sounds toxic since they're relentless in their admonition of your DS and questioning "what kinda man are you raising?" is very sexist and toxic behavior.

What did you say to that?

Agreed. OPs family is toxic and DS wants to set a boundary. Of course they freak out. OP and H have not been supporting him or sticking up for him for 15 years and now he's trying to put his foot down and control some of who enters his orbit. Very normal for a teenager, and exceedingly understanding for a family as toxic and difficult as OPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like oil and water.

Frankly, your family sounds toxic since they're relentless in their admonition of your DS and questioning "what kinda man are you raising?" is very sexist and toxic behavior.

What did you say to that?

Told them to leave him alone and then flipped them off.

[Anonymous]

Now that you've added more content OP, it's just not "I want to stay home in my room playing video games," I can see why he does not want to attend. My DS is not sporty either (DH and relatives are), but thankfully no one goes on and on about that or pestering him. I would be very upset if they did and I would be the one declaring that we are not returning for family holiday events until this line of questioning and treatment ceased. Agree with putting your own household family first.

[Anonymous]

Your family sounds awful and really really uncaring, judgmental, and disrespectful. I wouldn't want to go either. Family is supposed to love each other and treat each other with kindness and respect. Tell your family that their reaction only makes you more confident that staying home is the right decision, and that the subject is closed. They can treat your son with respect if they want to be part of his life. It's not asking too much.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

If one of my relatives (or all of them!) asked me that, it'd be the last time we saw them for a while, and they'd have to apologize first before I even entertained the idea. Come on, OP. It appears you haven't been sticking up for your son, and it has led to this.

+1000. He is setting a boundary because you have failed to do so.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Kid needs to suck it up for one or two days a year. Good life lesson for him as he will have many things in his future he doesn't want to do and can't get out of them by complaining to his parents.

[Anonymous]

We finally stopped going to our insane Italian family Thanksgiving. My kids were actually bummed.

1/2 way through the day my oldest was like “wow this is so nice and relaxing”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not let my son skip family holidays so he can hole up in his room with video games. Find a compromise - go for fewer days, or go only for Christmas but not Thanksgiving. Spend a few hours with the family and then go for a walk, or bring him back to the hotel to relax, or take him to run an errand to give him a break. If they are local, just spend one day with family, that leaves plenty of time for him to relax at home.

This is a good chance to push him out of his comfort zone a little bit in preparation for the real world. He doesn’t have to do every activity every day with all the other cousins all the time, but he should do some. Maybe he can bring a puzzle or some other low-key game he can do with one or two people. He can also make conversation with adults about things that interest him.

I have an introverted child in a family of all extroverts, and we are working with her on going with the flow and being open to new things. But mainly telling her that sometimes her shyness/introversion comes off as rudeness. She is learning ways to interact with people on her own terms, instead of defaulting to sitting alone in the corner. One day she may need to attend a professional conference or go to networking events.

Why does she have to go with the flow and not the other way around? He interacts with people, he has friends, he is fine with DH' side of the family. I just wish they would let it go. I am an extrovert and I do't see anything wrong if someone wants to sit in their corner and just read a book. At most I'll ask what they are reading. I like my brothers and sisters, we've been through thick and thin, but I wish they would just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Your call, OP. This is one of those that there isn’t a clearly right or wrong answer. Many nuances that only you know.

Would your son be ok going if your family promise they lay off? Have you had this discussion with your family - to stop pestering your son? How far away is your family? Would attending 12-5 and coming home to have dinner with your son work?

Maybe this is not black (not going) and white (going) and your son does not realize that?

But if your instinct is that at his stage you want your son to be heard and respected, then follow your instinct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We finally stopped going to our insane Italian family Thanksgiving. My kids were actually bummed.

1/2 way through the day my oldest was like “wow this is so nice and relaxing”.

My family is Irish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We finally stopped going to our insane Italian family Thanksgiving. My kids were actually bummed.

1/2 way through the day my oldest was like “wow this is so nice and relaxing”.

My family is Irish.

I completely get it. Also I’m guessing your son is introverted.

My oldest in my comment is a super extrovert and he even understands how stressful it is.

My youngest who is introverted talks about how disturbing it was he had to hug and kiss 30 people 1/2 he didn’t know. Now he’s older at least it’s a handshake.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. If there is someone I trust I could explain why but that could make it worse for ds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

OP, I’m an introvert. I find social gatherings tiring. But it would behoove your kid to develop tolerance for such things. You are talking about part of one day. Don’t set the stage for him to say “I’m an introvert, I can’t.” That will get very limiting down the road.

[Anonymous]

I've got kids with SN (oldest is now 20), including anxiety. There is s difference between helping someone to learn to navigate situations they are uncomfortable with but appropriate and situations where they are not respected and judged. Everyone has to learn how to manage both situations because it's a life skill.

I interpret your DS's position as him not feeling sufficiently supported in the 'hostile' environment. That you and your DH have provided sufficient buffering and haven't shut down your family. At this point, it doesn't matter if they understand or not. If they want a relationship with him, they need to modify their behaviors. What your DS is asking for is not unreasonable.

My BIL is very much an introvert. My family, while not large, is a bit rambunctious. We recognize that not everyone jells with our personalities and it was important to us that BIL feel welcomed. My sister outlined some strategies/approaches and we had no problem complying. We also didn't seek him out but welcomed/acknowledged him whenever he showed up.

It's pretty shltty when families push others to 'be more like us' rather than embracing them for who they are. If my family were unwilling to recognize their impact on my kids, I'd run interference until my family either recognized what they needed to do or I recognized my family wasn't interested in doing so and I'd stop going.