Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t normally let my teenager skip family holidays but I can see why DS doesn’t want to go. Your family sounds very difficult.

Are they in the same city? If so I probably would’ve just gone to Thanksgiving for a short time and said DS was home sick. Then made him come along for Christmas but then we would only for a short time. Or the whole family attend one holiday but skip the other. Something like that- a compromise.

In terms of the future- I’d be having a talk with your family and sternly telling them to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absent special circumstances, like abuse or some special needs, there is no way I’d allow my 14 year old to decide to disrupt family traditions so he can play video games. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t feel like doing when you’re part of a family.

I can’t imagine how you told your family that you weren’t coming so your kid could spend the day playing video games. No wonder they are hurt. It’s not like some great opportunity came up.

I didn't tell them he wanted to play video games. I told them, "this year we want to do a small Thanksgiving, just DH, DS and I. Nothing too overwhelming, but we will hang out next time around". And they flipped.

You're fine. Hold the line. When you set a boundary or change behaviors, it is normal for other family members to object. Sometimes they object loudly. If you give in to the family tantrum, they will know that they can bully you to get their way. Don't give in to bullies. Even if you never skip another holiday, skip this one so that they know that you won't be bullied.

[Anonymous]

Just keep repeating to your family "I'm sorry you feel that way, and we'll miss you all, but we are staying home this year".

They can't handle one Thanksgiving without you coming? That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Your OP wasn't super clear because I thought you were just letting your DS skip while everyone else went. If your entire nuclear family wants to do something else, I'd absolutely do that.

Setting up what works for your nuclear family is normal and fine. I can't believe it's taken this long.

[Anonymous]

In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t normally let my teenager skip family holidays but I can see why DS doesn’t want to go. Your family sounds very difficult.

Are they in the same city? If so I probably would’ve just gone to Thanksgiving for a short time and said DS was home sick. Then made him come along for Christmas but then we would only for a short time. Or the whole family attend one holiday but skip the other. Something like that- a compromise.

In terms of the future- I’d be having a talk with your family and sternly telling them to back off.

That's the thing: both DH and I don't think my family is difficult. Just different. Loud, rambunctious. When you need something, they are there for you. They are not horrible or evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your OP wasn't super clear because I thought you were just letting your DS skip while everyone else went. If your entire nuclear family wants to do something else, I'd absolutely do that.

Setting up what works for your nuclear family is normal and fine. I can't believe it's taken this long.

Oh no, no way we'd leave him alone on Thanksgiving. He doesn't mind us, we are fine together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

Sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

If one of my relatives (or all of them!) asked me that, it'd be the last time we saw them for a while, and they'd have to apologize first before I even entertained the idea. Come on, OP. It appears you haven't been sticking up for your son, and it has led to this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like oil and water.

Frankly, your family sounds toxic since they're relentless in their admonition of your DS and questioning "what kinda man are you raising?" is very sexist and toxic behavior.

What did you say to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

They don't let him recharge. If he walks away and wanders around, they literally chase him. "Go play with your cousins. What do you mean "you don't want to"?" or "Sit down, watch a game. What do you mean "you are not interested"? What kinda man are you raising?"

If one of my relatives (or all of them!) asked me that, it'd be the last time we saw them for a while, and they'd have to apologize first before I even entertained the idea. Come on, OP. It appears you haven't been sticking up for your son, and it has led to this.

+1. No wonder he doesn’t want to go. I hope when he’s an adult he has enough self-respect to not spend time with relatives who disdain him.

[Anonymous]

They sound awful. I would 100% support my kid if he felt uncomfortable going to visit someone - including my own family. His needs and wants matter too.

[Anonymous]

I would never subject my kid to family that treated him this way! Good for your son for speaking up about this.

[Anonymous]

Why would you let your family treat your son like this? Such awful parenting.