Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay - there's a lot to unpack here.

Let's start with - you're the parent. If you agreed with your child that what was best for your family was to stay home for the holidays this year, then that's what you should do. Why are you considering caving because you parents are throwing a tantrum and name calling? If you just didn't want to upset your child, and now you don't know what to do because you also don't want to upset you parents, then you really need to grow a backbone. You're the parent, you decide what makes the most sense, and if those around you are going to tantrum, then so be it. It seems to me, that since you told your son you were staying home, and you were fine with that, you shouldn't change your mind because your parents are being dillweeds.

But further on than that, let's talk more about these visits. Are they nearby enough that they're a day visit? Or do you have to travel? I think it's worth finding a way (long term, not necessarily this year) to teach your introverted child how to spend time with relatives, and stand up for your child with your relatives to make the trip more pleasant. What that looks like depends on the details - but if it's a day trip, you make it short. If it's an overnight, you build in times during the trip when your son gets time to himself. Frequent, lengthy times. Remember - in just about 10 short years, YOU will be the relatives that your son won't always want to visit for holidays. Finding ways to have family relationships even when you're an introvert is a valuable skill for your son (and I say this as an introvert myself). Does he have his own space on these trips? I think, particularly since you're (pending the previous paragraph) standing up to your family and staying home this year as he wants, you have some latitude to talk to him and troubleshoot together how to make these visits manageable for him in the future.

Also (it's hard to tell from your description) make sure that he isn't being rude or treating them poorly. A good rule of thumb is less time, but behave well during it. I'd much rather my kid sit and chat nicely with grandma for an hour at dinner, then run and hide in the room he's staying in for the rest of the night reading and playing video games, than grump through four hours of forced family togetherness. Now, at 14, his social skills aren't going to be fabulous and that's okay, but he's old enough to survive a couple of annoying "so how's school?" conversations and help with the dishes.

And lastly - what's with the way your relatives treat him? They're repeatedly asking "why is he like this?" in a negative tone?? And you're... trying to explain introversion to them? No! Try, "Excuse me? Larlo is perfect exactly as he is!" You need to stand up for your kid here, and start reinforcing the message that treating a relative with distain is hurtful and unacceptable. And if they CAN'T treat him well - then yeah, stop seeing them and tell them exactly why!

This. Just keep in mind that in the future DS and family may very well be telling you "sorry, no visitors, we are having a quiet holiday at home" for the rest of your life and there won't be much you can say about it. It's not just about here and now, it's the kind of behavior you want to model.

OP supporting DS in setting this boundary will make him more likely to stay close to her after college. Forcing him to spend time with family will make him reluctant to do the same to his kids.

[Anonymous]

What kind of man are you raising = I’m out, nevermind how DS would feel about it. There is no effing way I’d let anyone say that toxic bu11sh!t to/about my kid. Zero tolerance.

[Anonymous]

OP: we are staying in, we will have a small Thanksgiving with just the three of us. One of my siblings told "I am hurt that I don't get to see you this holiday season but I understand. We are loud and can be too much. Just tell him my bunch is always happy to see him whenever he is ready". She messaged me privately, apart of everyone else. So maybe there's a way for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: we are staying in, we will have a small Thanksgiving with just the three of us. One of my siblings told "I am hurt that I don't get to see you this holiday season but I understand. We are loud and can be too much. Just tell him my bunch is always happy to see him whenever he is ready". She messaged me privately, apart of everyone else. So maybe there's a way for us.

Wow, totally sucks you announced you are doing this because of your son. Sounds like you aren't opposed to it so should have said, "as a family we have decided to stay home this year "

[Anonymous]

What you did was gross and poor parenting.

YOU are the parent, thus you are responsible for when and how you spend the holidays. If you heard your son's request and chose to honor it, then YOU are responsible for YOUR CALL not to see them for the holidays.

But you threw him under the bus. Gross.

All you had to say was, "We're going to do the holidays on our own this year. I will be sure to visit you on [future date]. I wanted you to know in advance so you could make other holiday plans if needed."

Own your choices. You are the parent. No one else needs to know the reasons behind YOUR decision-making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you did was gross and poor parenting.

YOU are the parent, thus you are responsible for when and how you spend the holidays. If you heard your son's request and chose to honor it, then YOU are responsible for YOUR CALL not to see them for the holidays.

But you threw him under the bus. Gross.

All you had to say was, "We're going to do the holidays on our own this year. I will be sure to visit you on [future date]. I wanted you to know in advance so you could make other holiday plans if needed."

Own your choices. You are the parent. No one else needs to know the reasons behind YOUR decision-making.

+1. You cemented your kid as the family outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: we are staying in, we will have a small Thanksgiving with just the three of us. One of my siblings told "I am hurt that I don't get to see you this holiday season but I understand. We are loud and can be too much. Just tell him my bunch is always happy to see him whenever he is ready". She messaged me privately, apart of everyone else. So maybe there's a way for us.

So these are the monsters from whom you need to keep your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absent special circumstances, like abuse or some special needs, there is no way I’d allow my 14 year old to decide to disrupt family traditions so he can play video games. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t feel like doing when you’re part of a family.

I can’t imagine how you told your family that you weren’t coming so your kid could spend the day playing video games. No wonder they are hurt. It’s not like some great opportunity came up.

I didn't tell them he wanted to play video games. I told them, "this year we want to do a small Thanksgiving, just DH, DS and I. Nothing too overwhelming, but we will hang out next time around". And they flipped.

I get why your son needs a break.

[Anonymous]

As a teenager, I think it is reasonable to attend two big family meals a year. You are also missing out on your family. I would have him go but let him attend minimum hours since you are staying at your (non hosting) brothers. My kids would love to skip all family meals and play video games, but its not an option. Grand parents wont be around forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absent special circumstances, like abuse or some special needs, there is no way I’d allow my 14 year old to decide to disrupt family traditions so he can play video games. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t feel like doing when you’re part of a family.

I can’t imagine how you told your family that you weren’t coming so your kid could spend the day playing video games. No wonder they are hurt. It’s not like some great opportunity came up.

I didn't tell them he wanted to play video games. I told them, "this year we want to do a small Thanksgiving, just DH, DS and I. Nothing too overwhelming, but we will hang out next time around". And they flipped.

I get why your son needs a break.

I would love to see OP’s definition of “flipped.”

[Anonymous]

When you force a teen to do something they don't want to, they will find a way to make you pay. They may comply with the command but they will not be there in spirit.

It's better for everyone just to let him stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: we are staying in, we will have a small Thanksgiving with just the three of us. One of my siblings told "I am hurt that I don't get to see you this holiday season but I understand. We are loud and can be too much. Just tell him my bunch is always happy to see him whenever he is ready". She messaged me privately, apart of everyone else. So maybe there's a way for us.

Wow, totally sucks you announced you are doing this because of your son. Sounds like you aren't opposed to it so should have said, "as a family we have decided to stay home this year "

+1! OP threw her son under the bus. Over HER decision. So. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you force a teen to do something they don't want to, they will find a way to make you pay. They may comply with the command but they will not be there in spirit.

It's better for everyone just to let him stay home.

So, your house is run by teenagers (who don’t yet have fully developed brains). Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you force a teen to do something they don't want to, they will find a way to make you pay. They may comply with the command but they will not be there in spirit.

It's better for everyone just to let him stay home.

My 14 year old son would prefer not to shower after soccer practice. I guess I should cower in fear (of how he will act out) when I demand he has basic hygiene.🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you force a teen to do something they don't want to, they will find a way to make you pay. They may comply with the command but they will not be there in spirit.

It's better for everyone just to let him stay home.

My 14 year old son would prefer not to shower after soccer practice. I guess I should cower in fear (of how he will act out) when I demand he has basic hygiene.🤣

You sound like a psycho