Teenager refusing to have contact with relatives

[Anonymous]

DS announced this past weekend that he does not want to spend Thanksgiving or any other holiday with his grandparents this year. Said he'd much rather spend the holidays in his room, reading or playing video games, than with them. It's my side of the family. He never got along with them, he's a quiet introverted kid, rather bookish, absolutely non-athletic. They are all polar opposites. I don't mind to stay in either this holiday season, so I let my parents know. Well, they threw a fit, my siblings too, they are calling our little family "selfish". DH thinks we should just bite the bullet and see them, but I want to respect my DS feelings too. If he is not up to it, he is not up to it. I think pressuring him will cause more harm than good.

How do I get my parents and siblings to understand?

[Anonymous]

How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

[Anonymous]

Go and let him have a day to himself.

[Anonymous]

Is this pronouncement out of the blue? Was there any recent interactions with either grandparent that was the last straw? MS or HS? If the latter, this does type of preference (stay in alone reading and playing video games) may not bode well for college freshman experience (reading these and other parent boards).

[Anonymous]

Absent special circumstances, like abuse or some special needs, there is no way I’d allow my 14 year old to decide to disrupt family traditions so he can play video games. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t feel like doing when you’re part of a family.

I can’t imagine how you told your family that you weren’t coming so your kid could spend the day playing video games. No wonder they are hurt. It’s not like some great opportunity came up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you travel every year out of obligation and from your post would actually like to just have a chill Thanksgiving. Your son isn’t refusing to ever have contact, he is requesting that you all get off the obligation train where no one gets good sleep or enjoys themselves.

Their nasty reaction speaks volumes as to what kind of people they must be like for a week!

Just repeat telling your family that you and DH have some crazy work obligations and DS has some intense classes. You won’t be traveling this year. If they yell and insult you, hang up.

You can’t make them understand especially if their go to response is fit throwing, yelling and name calling. Let them stew and be mad. They own their reactions, you own yours.

Have a blissfully peaceful Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

You can all go and visit for an hour or two on holidays. Kid has to get used to not liking everyone and, barring abuse or such, needs to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

I would respect my child's feelings and let him decide where/when to go. Tell the other relatives it's a "phase".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this pronouncement out of the blue? Was there any recent interactions with either grandparent that was the last straw? MS or HS? If the latter, this does type of preference (stay in alone reading and playing video games) may not bode well for college freshman experience (reading these and other parent boards).

It was not really out of the blue, he never particularly enjoyed his time there, always came home tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absent special circumstances, like abuse or some special needs, there is no way I’d allow my 14 year old to decide to disrupt family traditions so he can play video games. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t feel like doing when you’re part of a family.

I can’t imagine how you told your family that you weren’t coming so your kid could spend the day playing video games. No wonder they are hurt. It’s not like some great opportunity came up.

I didn't tell them he wanted to play video games. I told them, "this year we want to do a small Thanksgiving, just DH, DS and I. Nothing too overwhelming, but we will hang out next time around". And they flipped.

[Anonymous]

What did you say when you communicated to your relatives that your family would be staying home? I’m wondering why they had such a strong reaction.

How often does your family see these relatives? Only at holidays or throughout the year?

Also, are you jumping at the chance to stay home because you don’t enjoy their company either or are you simply willing to stay home because you don’t want to leave ds alone on holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

So it sounds like they harass him, and their big reaction proves the point. I'm not sure how you explained it to them (hopefully just that you wanted a holiday as a nuclear family and not about video games), but it's notable that their reaction was "throwing a fit" about you being "selfish" instead of that they are really hurt or sad and will miss you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you say when you communicated to your relatives that your family would be staying home? I’m wondering why they had such a strong reaction.

How often does your family see these relatives? Only at holidays or throughout the year?

Also, are you jumping at the chance to stay home because you don’t enjoy their company either or are you simply willing to stay home because you don’t want to leave ds alone on holidays?

See above. I told them this year I wanted it to be just the three of us. I don't mind their company, they are my siblings, but between them and DS, DS will always come first. He rarely asks for things and if he wants to stay in and not see anybody, I think he has the right to.

[Anonymous]

Compromise. Shorter visit with family, teens get a few days of break to decompress.