Do you let your children call adults by their first names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

Also Southern, also raised to use Miss/Mr So-and-so for adults -- I do it now with my parents's friends -- and even as I know it is not harming a thing to call me by my name, a child that calls me by my first name out of the gate, I immediately think "hmmph, they weren't raised right." It's craziness, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

[Anonymous]

I taught my kids when young to address adults as Mr or Ms unless told otherwise. However, I noticed outside of the school setting, most eventually asked my kids to address them by first names. I have always introduced myself to children and teens as Jane. When kids call me Ms Smith I remind them they can call me Jane but will answer to whatever name they choose rather than make them uncomfortable. Yet, I think it’s the polite thing to call people by the name they ask you to use.

[Anonymous]

I live in the Pacific NW now and fought this for years but now I am just Firstname. I never thought I would be someone who 3rd graders call Firstname, but here I am. The children of parents who have relocated here call me “DD’s mom” or panic and carefully construct interactions to make sure they never have to call me anything, which I understand because I do that with my MIL!

Meanwhile I go back home to the Midwest and I’m 42 and still calling old neighbors Mrs. so-and-so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does adding a Mr or Ms do?

It isn’t respectful. Respect is behavior. Some of the most disrespectful stuff I’ve heard ended with “sir.”

It's not a matter of feeling respect. It's a matter of feeling a sense of power or authority over another human being.

This is a very odd assertion. Did you get sent to a military boarding academy or something?

It's not odd at all. Someone that doesn't know you can't meaningfully respect you. A child is not conferring respect by using a title like Mr. and Mrs., and no rationale person could look at the behavior of kids (and adults, for that matter) and assume otherwise.

But it is a way for someone to verbally express a deference to authority.

Why do you need a child to “respect” you? How bizarre. Just being generally friendly and nicely behaved is all that I expect from my children’s friends. No god complex here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does adding a Mr or Ms do?

It isn’t respectful. Respect is behavior. Some of the most disrespectful stuff I’ve heard ended with “sir.”

It's not a matter of feeling respect. It's a matter of feeling a sense of power or authority over another human being.

This is a very odd assertion. Did you get sent to a military boarding academy or something?

It's not odd at all. Someone that doesn't know you can't meaningfully respect you. A child is not conferring respect by using a title like Mr. and Mrs., and no rationale person could look at the behavior of kids (and adults, for that matter) and assume otherwise.

But it is a way for someone to verbally express a deference to authority.

Why do you need a child to “respect” you? How bizarre. Just being generally friendly and nicely behaved is all that I expect from my children’s friends. No god complex here!

I don't get it either. What is it about the south that made this engrained in their culture? It's almost as if there's one group of people there that feels like it their god-given right to have dominion over another group of people. Does anything in the south's history come to mind?

[Anonymous]

I grew up referring to family friends by first names. The parents of my peers were Mr/Mrs LastName. I find Mr./ms. First name so infantile but can’t explain why. But that seems to be the norm in DMV and I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up referring to family friends by first names. The parents of my peers were Mr/Mrs LastName. I find Mr./ms. First name so infantile but can’t explain why. But that seems to be the norm in DMV and I hate it.

It's not the norm till recently in this area. Usually it was for people like day care works, after school care workers, etc. I think its rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

Adults can call adults by their first name, except your child's teachers/school staff out of respect. The discussion is about kids. Kids should never address adults by their first name except if told to. I will always tell my kids friends to call me by my first name and prefer it but my kids know to always call someone by their last name until told otherwise by an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up referring to family friends by first names. The parents of my peers were Mr/Mrs LastName. I find Mr./ms. First name so infantile but can’t explain why. But that seems to be the norm in DMV and I hate it.

It's not the norm till recently in this area. Usually it was for people like day care works, after school care workers, etc. I think its rude.

I don’t find it rude but I think it’s become a more popular choice as there can be lots of last names in one family. If the parent doesn’t introduce themselves to a child as Ms Smith, the child wouldn't necessarily know what their last name is. Given that so many adults introduce themselves by first name, the kid is just working with the information they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up referring to family friends by first names. The parents of my peers were Mr/Mrs LastName. I find Mr./ms. First name so infantile but can’t explain why. But that seems to be the norm in DMV and I hate it.

It's not the norm till recently in this area. Usually it was for people like day care works, after school care workers, etc. I think its rude.

I don’t find it rude but I think it’s become a more popular choice as there can be lots of last names in one family. If the parent doesn’t introduce themselves to a child as Ms Smith, the child wouldn't necessarily know what their last name is. Given that so many adults introduce themselves by first name, the kid is just working with the information they have.

Kids know more than you give them credit for. Worst case, they use the child's last name and that adult corrects them. No big deal. We have three different last names in our home. Thank goodness my kids know better. I'd be embarrassed if they were that rude to an adult. They are not peers or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up referring to family friends by first names. The parents of my peers were Mr/Mrs LastName. I find Mr./ms. First name so infantile but can’t explain why. But that seems to be the norm in DMV and I hate it.

It's not the norm till recently in this area. Usually it was for people like day care works, after school care workers, etc. I think its rude.

I don’t find it rude but I think it’s become a more popular choice as there can be lots of last names in one family. If the parent doesn’t introduce themselves to a child as Ms Smith, the child wouldn't necessarily know what their last name is. Given that so many adults introduce themselves by first name, the kid is just working with the information they have.

Kids know more than you give them credit for. Worst case, they use the child's last name and that adult corrects them. No big deal. We have three different last names in our home. Thank goodness my kids know better. I'd be embarrassed if they were that rude to an adult. They are not peers or friends.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

My kid should address people however they want to be called, either first name or otherwise. But it’s on the adult to let the child know what they like to be called, or they’ll default to the first name. It’s not rude, just likely following the local norm. Nobody is expected to know in advance that you’re different. If you don’t like it just say you want to be called Ms. Whatever. You’d also be cringe, but my guess is that you won’t care much about this aspect.