Kid treated my boyfriend like crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To PP with teens, do you live with their dad? How often are you there during his custodial time? How much of that time is theirs alone with their dad?

They don't want you there during their limited time with father. It's not personal and you can't change it. Complaining to BF will not make it better.

He has full custody. Mom is MIA as she moved to the west coast and left the kids behind. Dad spends tons of time with them.

I have my own place but am there about half the time because he considers that better than leaving them alone while he goes to visit me.

If you read my posts, my very point is that their behavior is vague enough that I can’t and don’t complain about it.

My main point is, this affects my feelings about the relationship. I am mulling whether or not it is a deal breaker for me. If someone’s seven year old was repeatedly rude to me, I’d probably be out the door. It’s just not a good feeling. I’m offering the potential perspective of the op’s boyfriend. Sometimes I have the attitude, eh, they are teens this is to be expected big deal. Other times I am like, hmm, not sure this dynamic is worth sticking around because it kind of sucks,

If we break up, I’m only going to date men who are childless or whose kids have successfully launched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PP with teens, do you live with their dad? How often are you there during his custodial time? How much of that time is theirs alone with their dad?

They don't want you there during their limited time with father. It's not personal and you can't change it. Complaining to BF will not make it better.

He has full custody. Mom is MIA as she moved to the west coast and left the kids behind. Dad spends tons of time with them.

I have my own place but am there about half the time because he considers that better than leaving them alone while he goes to visit me.

If you read my posts, my very point is that their behavior is vague enough that I can’t and don’t complain about it.

My main point is, this affects my feelings about the relationship. I am mulling whether or not it is a deal breaker for me. If someone’s seven year old was repeatedly rude to me, I’d probably be out the door. It’s just not a good feeling. I’m offering the potential perspective of the op’s boyfriend. Sometimes I have the attitude, eh, they are teens this is to be expected big deal. Other times I am like, hmm, not sure this dynamic is worth sticking around because it kind of sucks,

If we break up, I’m only going to date men who are childless or whose kids have successfully launched.

Rudeness is unfortunately normal for teens. And you need to consider they have experienced a traumatic parent loss.

It's weird that they are not trustworthy to be left home alone. Maybe stop infantilizing them and they'll be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

Generally speaking rule of thumb in being a good human - be polite and civil to people, even if you don’t like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).

Yes, these are interesting perspectives. Much of the time I’m able to be like, eh, they are teens, this is normal, don’t let it bother you. Other times I am like, well this may be normal but it kind of sucks all the same. I try to give them a lot of space to be with their dad without me around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

Generally speaking rule of thumb in being a good human - be polite and civil to people, even if you don’t like them.

It's a good rule not to force yourself into families where people don't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).

Yes, these are interesting perspectives. Much of the time I’m able to be like, eh, they are teens, this is normal, don’t let it bother you. Other times I am like, well this may be normal but it kind of sucks all the same. I try to give them a lot of space to be with their dad without me around.

It's fine if you aren't cut out to be with teens who have experienced their mother's abandonment. That's understandable. But that's what this situation is, and it sounds like you haven't opened your eyes to it. That's the real issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PP with teens, do you live with their dad? How often are you there during his custodial time? How much of that time is theirs alone with their dad?

They don't want you there during their limited time with father. It's not personal and you can't change it. Complaining to BF will not make it better.

He has full custody. Mom is MIA as she moved to the west coast and left the kids behind. Dad spends tons of time with them.

I have my own place but am there about half the time because he considers that better than leaving them alone while he goes to visit me.

If you read my posts, my very point is that their behavior is vague enough that I can’t and don’t complain about it.

My main point is, this affects my feelings about the relationship. I am mulling whether or not it is a deal breaker for me. If someone’s seven year old was repeatedly rude to me, I’d probably be out the door. It’s just not a good feeling. I’m offering the potential perspective of the op’s boyfriend. Sometimes I have the attitude, eh, they are teens this is to be expected big deal. Other times I am like, hmm, not sure this dynamic is worth sticking around because it kind of sucks,

If we break up, I’m only going to date men who are childless or whose kids have successfully launched.

PP can you put yourself in their shoes at all? Mom abandoned them, which will likely f them up for life and now dad has some lady they don't like there a LOT of the time, (50%!!!) at family dinner, sleeping over, taking up their dad's time and attention when they are a small amount of time out from life altering traumas - the family blowing up and parental abandonment? I think it would be best for ALL if you moved on as you don't seem like someone with the amount of empathy these kids need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

Generally speaking rule of thumb in being a good human - be polite and civil to people, even if you don’t like them.

wow you’re a teen parenting expert! you could make millions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).

Yes, these are interesting perspectives. Much of the time I’m able to be like, eh, they are teens, this is normal, don’t let it bother you. Other times I am like, well this may be normal but it kind of sucks all the same. I try to give them a lot of space to be with their dad without me around.

It's fine if you aren't cut out to be with teens who have experienced their mother's abandonment. That's understandable. But that's what this situation is, and it sounds like you haven't opened your eyes to it. That's the real issue here.

Her eyes are on her navel.

Calling these kids "manipulative" for not giving her validation is light of it all is not only unrealistic but cruel.

You will be happier elsewhere PP, why invest way more time in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To PP with teens, do you live with their dad? How often are you there during his custodial time? How much of that time is theirs alone with their dad?

They don't want you there during their limited time with father. It's not personal and you can't change it. Complaining to BF will not make it better.

He has full custody. Mom is MIA as she moved to the west coast and left the kids behind. Dad spends tons of time with them.

I have my own place but am there about half the time because he considers that better than leaving them alone while he goes to visit me.

If you read my posts, my very point is that their behavior is vague enough that I can’t and don’t complain about it.

My main point is, this affects my feelings about the relationship. I am mulling whether or not it is a deal breaker for me. If someone’s seven year old was repeatedly rude to me, I’d probably be out the door. It’s just not a good feeling. I’m offering the potential perspective of the op’s boyfriend. Sometimes I have the attitude, eh, they are teens this is to be expected big deal. Other times I am like, hmm, not sure this dynamic is worth sticking around because it kind of sucks,

If we break up, I’m only going to date men who are childless or whose kids have successfully launched.

PP can you put yourself in their shoes at all? Mom abandoned them, which will likely f them up for life and now dad has some lady they don't like there a LOT of the time, (50%!!!) at family dinner, sleeping over, taking up their dad's time and attention when they are a small amount of time out from life altering traumas - the family blowing up and parental abandonment? I think it would be best for ALL if you moved on as you don't seem like someone with the amount of empathy these kids need.

I kind of agree with this. If this PP cannot enjoy the teens to at least some degree she should end it. Note - you can enjoy a teen/tween and still want to throttle them at times! But there has to be some sort of affection or at least feeling like you are positively contributing to their lives.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm concerned that you seem to be focused on the wong things.
Your focused on your sons behavior and your feelings but not your son's feelings and your boyfriend's actions
What did he do.?
Was your boyfriend antagonistic? Did he try to force himself on your son not give him any space?

How did he react to your sons behavior? Was he rude back? Did he get mad at you or your son?

Does your son have a relationship with his dad? Are you divorced? did dad die? All of this matters in how your son perceived this man.
I think first meetings should be short and not something you spring on them. Did he even know that you are dating,?

So since you felt it was serious you should have told him about your boyfriend first let him ask questions and express his feelings.
Then you set up a meeting something simple and quick like getting ice cream..
You can set general behavior expectations as you would for any outing. But your kid should know it's okay to not like this person and that they can tell you how they feel because they your child is the most important.
Also it's okay if your kid isn't perfect your boyfriend needs to see how kids really are.

Also don't force interaction like having your boyfriend do things that your son normally gets from you or wants you to do
And don't do PDA in front of your son either especially on the first meeting.

You should apologize to your son for springing this on him and then talk about what happened see what he's thinking and feeling.
Absolutely no punishment.

Get some books on dating as a single parent and how to blend families and a family therapist.

And if your boyfriend is giving you a problem about this drop him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm concerned that you seem to be focused on the wong things.
Your focused on your sons behavior and your feelings but not your son's feelings and your boyfriend's actions
What did he do.?
Was your boyfriend antagonistic? Did he try to force himself on your son not give him any space?

How did he react to your sons behavior? Was he rude back? Did he get mad at you or your son?

Does your son have a relationship with his dad? Are you divorced? did dad die? All of this matters in how your son perceived this man.
I think first meetings should be short and not something you spring on them. Did he even know that you are dating,?

So since you felt it was serious you should have told him about your boyfriend first let him ask questions and express his feelings.
Then you set up a meeting something simple and quick like getting ice cream..
You can set general behavior expectations as you would for any outing. But your kid should know it's okay to not like this person and that they can tell you how they feel because they your child is the most important.
Also it's okay if your kid isn't perfect your boyfriend needs to see how kids really are.

Also don't force interaction like having your boyfriend do things that your son normally gets from you or wants you to do
And don't do PDA in front of your son either especially on the first meeting.

You should apologize to your son for springing this on him and then talk about what happened see what he's thinking and feeling.
Absolutely no punishment.

Get some books on dating as a single parent and how to blend families and a family therapist.

And if your boyfriend is giving you a problem about this drop him

great post