Kid treated my boyfriend like crap

[Anonymous]

I think you needed to do more groundwork before the meeting. You sprung a "friend" on him. Your kid is old enough to understand dating and boyfriends to at least some degree. You need to reassure him that no one is replacing their father, that it's normal if it's uncomfortable or weird, but that he needs to at least be polite and you hope that he will try to be nice because this is someone important to you. Give an example like if his new best friend from school came over, how he would want you to be friendly, offer snacks, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Curt one word answers sounds like how teens treat their actual parents.

Unpleasant facial expressions? From immature teenage boys? Report it to Guinness Book!

Well yeah. But it’s kinda weird that they know to be nicer to me when their dad is around, but when he is not around, they are rude to me. I mean I guess that’s a good sign he’s told the, or they know they have to be polite in front of their dad. But it feels weird to have them be ok when dad is around and rude when he isn’t.

You are an interloper into the family. An outside threat. Their dad is their top priority, thus the "playing nice" when he is around. They aren't trying to piss him off. But they do want you to scram. Either give them more alone time with their father (proving you aren't a threat) or be ready to stick this pattern out for years until they leave home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

They’re f’ing with you and it sounds like it’s working.

Be the adult and stop caring/noticing. Imagine being this insecure about what some high schoolers are doing to you?

The more you don’t notice their shenanigans, the more frustrated they’ll get. This will either cause them to stop or it will smoke them out so they misstep in front of dad.

If you’re savvy, you could engage in your own campaign of plausibly deniable activities but I have low confidence you’ll pull it off.

[Anonymous]

I think people are being a bit harsh on OP. She waited a full 2 years to introduce the BF - this is a stable relationship and she obviously was trying to protect her kid. Although the playground didn’t work, a casual 1 hour meetup on a child’s familiar turf doesn’t seem THAT crazy of a plan to me.

She does sound a little clueless in envisioning a Hallmark scenario but if her son was really dysregulated then I think she deserves some more thoughtful advice on how to move forward.

I guess the important thing now is how well OP and her BF can “differentiate” from the boy’s behavior. That is - not take it personally and accept it instead of reacting to it emotionally as a personal offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you needed to do more groundwork before the meeting. You sprung a "friend" on him. Your kid is old enough to understand dating and boyfriends to at least some degree. You need to reassure him that no one is replacing their father, that it's normal if it's uncomfortable or weird, but that he needs to at least be polite and you hope that he will try to be nice because this is someone important to you. Give an example like if his new best friend from school came over, how he would want you to be friendly, offer snacks, etc.

I like this. And frankly, I think a little bribery can go a long way. Have BF give him a present/treat/etc. Or some undivided attention doing something he likes - a video game? legos?

[Anonymous]

Look at it from your kid’s point of view. This guy is taking your time away from him. You are trying to replace his father. Nothing good will come of this for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you needed to do more groundwork before the meeting. You sprung a "friend" on him. Your kid is old enough to understand dating and boyfriends to at least some degree. You need to reassure him that no one is replacing their father, that it's normal if it's uncomfortable or weird, but that he needs to at least be polite and you hope that he will try to be nice because this is someone important to you. Give an example like if his new best friend from school came over, how he would want you to be friendly, offer snacks, etc.

Or, even better, stop comparing your romantic relationship to a friendship a 7 year old has with a peer or an adult. It’s weird.

Call it an adult relationship with someone who is important to you and require civility and respect.

Hopefully your son will like him with the right context and direction, but if not, and he’s not ready for this or just doesn’t like the guy, I hope you have the maturity and perspective enough to prioritize your son over your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you needed to do more groundwork before the meeting. You sprung a "friend" on him. Your kid is old enough to understand dating and boyfriends to at least some degree. You need to reassure him that no one is replacing their father, that it's normal if it's uncomfortable or weird, but that he needs to at least be polite and you hope that he will try to be nice because this is someone important to you. Give an example like if his new best friend from school came over, how he would want you to be friendly, offer snacks, etc.

I like this. And frankly, I think a little bribery can go a long way. Have BF give him a present/treat/etc. Or some undivided attention doing something he likes - a video game? legos?

Ok this is also super weird. What is wrong with you people? Is this child a dog? “Get your boyfriend to give him a treat”? WHAT!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not being at all clear, so we can’t really offer significant advice.

Please give examples. In what way did your kid “make fun of” your boyfriend? It also sounds like part of the issue is your boyfriend’s reaction, which you have omitted.

I’m sorry, I get frustrated by vague posts.

Yes, we need more details. And was your adult-boyfriend not able to laugh this off and roll with the sass of a 1st grader? Of course kids don't like their parent's bfs/gfs. Why would they? There's often nothing in it for them than some other adult hassling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you needed to do more groundwork before the meeting. You sprung a "friend" on him. Your kid is old enough to understand dating and boyfriends to at least some degree. You need to reassure him that no one is replacing their father, that it's normal if it's uncomfortable or weird, but that he needs to at least be polite and you hope that he will try to be nice because this is someone important to you. Give an example like if his new best friend from school came over, how he would want you to be friendly, offer snacks, etc.

I like this. And frankly, I think a little bribery can go a long way. Have BF give him a present/treat/etc. Or some undivided attention doing something he likes - a video game? legos?

Ok this is also super weird. What is wrong with you people? Is this child a dog? “Get your boyfriend to give him a treat”? WHAT!?

ummm … have you never met a 7 year old? there’s a reason grandparents spoil with gifts etc. to make the kid like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

you sound really immature and touchy. they probably just feel awkward alone with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being a bit harsh on OP. She waited a full 2 years to introduce the BF - this is a stable relationship and she obviously was trying to protect her kid. Although the playground didn’t work, a casual 1 hour meetup on a child’s familiar turf doesn’t seem THAT crazy of a plan to me.

She does sound a little clueless in envisioning a Hallmark scenario but if her son was really dysregulated then I think she deserves some more thoughtful advice on how to move forward.

I guess the important thing now is how well OP and her BF can “differentiate” from the boy’s behavior. That is - not take it personally and accept it instead of reacting to it emotionally as a personal offense.

+1. OP it may take some time for your kid to warm up to your BF. BF is going to have to not take the behavior personally. The next time the three of you do something I would tell your son expectations (like responding to questions, using nice words, etc.). Like you would expect him to behave with anybody new he was meeting. They may never be close, but it is not too much to expect your son to be polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

They’re f’ing with you and it sounds like it’s working.

Be the adult and stop caring/noticing. Imagine being this insecure about what some high schoolers are doing to you?

The more you don’t notice their shenanigans, the more frustrated they’ll get. This will either cause them to stop or it will smoke them out so they misstep in front of dad.

If you’re savvy, you could engage in your own campaign of plausibly deniable activities but I have low confidence you’ll pull it off.

Ugh no. To the "teens are mean to me" PP, I'd suggest backing off way more than you have with these kids. They have a mom (I'm guessing) and they do not want another one. So, make sure you aren't acting like their mom. Also, give them lots of solo time with their Dad. The most annoying part of my father getting remarried when I was a teen was having to deal with his annoying wife all the time. He didn't see the issue, of course, why not have us all get together. But I didn't want to navigate this new relationship with her because I didn't choose her. I found her irritating, and I was still angry about the divorce. They've been married over 20 years now, and I stopped being mean to her about 16 years ago, but I still always really appreciate when she bows out of something and lets me just spend time with my dad. Because she is still not my mom! I can love and appreciate now what a good partner she is for my dad, so I care for her in that way. But, that's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being a bit harsh on OP. She waited a full 2 years to introduce the BF - this is a stable relationship and she obviously was trying to protect her kid. Although the playground didn’t work, a casual 1 hour meetup on a child’s familiar turf doesn’t seem THAT crazy of a plan to me.

She does sound a little clueless in envisioning a Hallmark scenario but if her son was really dysregulated then I think she deserves some more thoughtful advice on how to move forward.

I guess the important thing now is how well OP and her BF can “differentiate” from the boy’s behavior. That is - not take it personally and accept it instead of reacting to it emotionally as a personal offense.

People are being harsh on OP because it only seems like she cares about what her bf thought and if that improved for others. She did not ask anything about how to make this better for the 7yo or how others with young kids navigated this for their KIDS. That's why the harsh reaction. It's like the bf is a delicate flower either hurt feelings but she couldn't care less about how the 7yo is processing this significant new information.

[Anonymous]

The kid is just testing to see how your patient your BF is.