Kid treated my boyfriend like crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

NP. I would say their father invited her, rather than that she "forced herself" into their life. Really they should be acting out with their father, but she's an easier target. This is why if I became widowed, I would never date a man with children at home.

Okay, their father forced them to allow her into their lives, and she chose to be a part of that coercion. What difference does it make?

I am sorry your parents got divorced and that you still feel upset by that. But children, whether minors or adults, should not be attempting to control or be given the ability to control their parents' dating lives. Sometimes people marry people other people don't like. Like in-laws. Let's say a grown daughter dates and marries someone she chooses - is she coercing her parents and other family into accepting her husband? No. She chose him, she is part of the family, so he gets folded into the family fold. And people should be civil and polite to him. Same goes for parents remarrying. It may not be ideal, but it's life. It is not someone forcing their way into a family or someone coercing their family members into liking someone.

You need to give up on this idea that a child of divorce - or even worse the ex of someone who is divorced - has the right to make the decision about who dates who. The person in the relationship gets to decide who they want to date. Children shouldn't be trying to manipulate their parents' into not dating people. It's not healthy. That's giving kids too much power. And if you are the ex, you need to accept that once you divroce someone...he gets to marry or date who he wants. He's not doing something wrong if he dates or remarries. If you didn't want your kids having a stepmom, well, don't get divorced. Some exes still want to control their ex husbands post divorce. That is not how it works.

What? No, it's not the same thing at all. Nobody thinks children should get to determine their parents' dating decisions. Since OP's situation is not going well after years of effort, it may be time for HER to decide to call it. Not the kids' decision. But they do not have to like her. Genuine liking of someone cannot be coerced. And yes, it is coercive, even if it's okay that it's coercive. Let's be honest about what's going on here. The kids do not have a choice about this person being in their home and in their family time. Children of divorce have very little choice and control, and so they exercise what little influence they have through social behavior.

And it's not the same as having a DIL or SIL. Not the same at all. Because for a non-senile adult, they can't be forced to co-habit with a DIL or SIL against their will. And the DIL or SIL doesn't have the same authority over their MIL and FIL that a step-parent has over a minor child. It's not even close to the same thing.

This is preposterous. By your definition, any decision that a parent imposes on a child is coercive. Requiring them to do chores is coercive. Finishing the broccoli on their plate is coercive. You devalue the meaning of the word by throwing it around so casually. I’d wager you’ve never experienced true coercion. If you had, you wouldn’t use it in such trivial contexts.

Bro. Making a child live with a person they don’t like and doesn’t like them is a BIG deal.

Welp, you make your kids live with you, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

They’re f’ing with you and it sounds like it’s working.

Be the adult and stop caring/noticing. Imagine being this insecure about what some high schoolers are doing to you?

The more you don’t notice their shenanigans, the more frustrated they’ll get. This will either cause them to stop or it will smoke them out so they misstep in front of dad.

If you’re savvy, you could engage in your own campaign of plausibly deniable activities but I have low confidence you’ll pull it off.

This is bad advice. Please don’t play games with them. I teach HS boys and they often start out with attitude and eye rolling. They come around though if you show genuine interest in them and you make the effort to get to know them (don’t ask generic questions such as how is school going?). You have to make the effort though. Give them their own space with dad. Don’t compete with them for dad’s attention and they will start to like and respect you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it

You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?

This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..

It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).

Yes, these are interesting perspectives. Much of the time I’m able to be like, eh, they are teens, this is normal, don’t let it bother you. Other times I am like, well this may be normal but it kind of sucks all the same. I try to give them a lot of space to be with their dad without me around.

Do you have any kids of your own?

[Anonymous]

Give her a break. Some teens are jerks. They should be respectful at the very least. They don’t have to be friendly but they should not be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating?
How did you talk about this with your son prior to the meeting?

We’ve been dating for almost two years. I told him that a friend would like come with us to the playground and asked if he was up for it. He said yes. We spent about an hour at the playground and it was a complete disaster!

An hour was too long for a first meeting. First meeting should be 30 seconds to two minutes. Hi, I'm Blah, cool toy or whatever, great to meet ya. The end. Second meeting should be about five minutes. Starting off with an hour was too long. I can't overstate how totally weird it is to think of your mom dating some strange man.

It’s also weird to have an adult friend (without a child of their own) come along to the playground

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

NP. I would say their father invited her, rather than that she "forced herself" into their life. Really they should be acting out with their father, but she's an easier target. This is why if I became widowed, I would never date a man with children at home.

Okay, their father forced them to allow her into their lives, and she chose to be a part of that coercion. What difference does it make?

I am sorry your parents got divorced and that you still feel upset by that. But children, whether minors or adults, should not be attempting to control or be given the ability to control their parents' dating lives. Sometimes people marry people other people don't like. Like in-laws. Let's say a grown daughter dates and marries someone she chooses - is she coercing her parents and other family into accepting her husband? No. She chose him, she is part of the family, so he gets folded into the family fold. And people should be civil and polite to him. Same goes for parents remarrying. It may not be ideal, but it's life. It is not someone forcing their way into a family or someone coercing their family members into liking someone.

You need to give up on this idea that a child of divorce - or even worse the ex of someone who is divorced - has the right to make the decision about who dates who. The person in the relationship gets to decide who they want to date. Children shouldn't be trying to manipulate their parents' into not dating people. It's not healthy. That's giving kids too much power. And if you are the ex, you need to accept that once you divroce someone...he gets to marry or date who he wants. He's not doing something wrong if he dates or remarries. If you didn't want your kids having a stepmom, well, don't get divorced. Some exes still want to control their ex husbands post divorce. That is not how it works.

What? No, it's not the same thing at all. Nobody thinks children should get to determine their parents' dating decisions. Since OP's situation is not going well after years of effort, it may be time for HER to decide to call it. Not the kids' decision. But they do not have to like her. Genuine liking of someone cannot be coerced. And yes, it is coercive, even if it's okay that it's coercive. Let's be honest about what's going on here. The kids do not have a choice about this person being in their home and in their family time. Children of divorce have very little choice and control, and so they exercise what little influence they have through social behavior.

And it's not the same as having a DIL or SIL. Not the same at all. Because for a non-senile adult, they can't be forced to co-habit with a DIL or SIL against their will. And the DIL or SIL doesn't have the same authority over their MIL and FIL that a step-parent has over a minor child. It's not even close to the same thing.

This is preposterous. By your definition, any decision that a parent imposes on a child is coercive. Requiring them to do chores is coercive. Finishing the broccoli on their plate is coercive. You devalue the meaning of the word by throwing it around so casually. I’d wager you’ve never experienced true coercion. If you had, you wouldn’t use it in such trivial contexts.

Bro. Making a child live with a person they don’t like and doesn’t like them is a BIG deal.

Welp, you make your kids live with you, no?

Because I'm legally responsible for them, and who else would be willing to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP

Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?

NP. I would say their father invited her, rather than that she "forced herself" into their life. Really they should be acting out with their father, but she's an easier target. This is why if I became widowed, I would never date a man with children at home.

Okay, their father forced them to allow her into their lives, and she chose to be a part of that coercion. What difference does it make?

I am sorry your parents got divorced and that you still feel upset by that. But children, whether minors or adults, should not be attempting to control or be given the ability to control their parents' dating lives. Sometimes people marry people other people don't like. Like in-laws. Let's say a grown daughter dates and marries someone she chooses - is she coercing her parents and other family into accepting her husband? No. She chose him, she is part of the family, so he gets folded into the family fold. And people should be civil and polite to him. Same goes for parents remarrying. It may not be ideal, but it's life. It is not someone forcing their way into a family or someone coercing their family members into liking someone.

You need to give up on this idea that a child of divorce - or even worse the ex of someone who is divorced - has the right to make the decision about who dates who. The person in the relationship gets to decide who they want to date. Children shouldn't be trying to manipulate their parents' into not dating people. It's not healthy. That's giving kids too much power. And if you are the ex, you need to accept that once you divroce someone...he gets to marry or date who he wants. He's not doing something wrong if he dates or remarries. If you didn't want your kids having a stepmom, well, don't get divorced. Some exes still want to control their ex husbands post divorce. That is not how it works.

What? No, it's not the same thing at all. Nobody thinks children should get to determine their parents' dating decisions. Since OP's situation is not going well after years of effort, it may be time for HER to decide to call it. Not the kids' decision. But they do not have to like her. Genuine liking of someone cannot be coerced. And yes, it is coercive, even if it's okay that it's coercive. Let's be honest about what's going on here. The kids do not have a choice about this person being in their home and in their family time. Children of divorce have very little choice and control, and so they exercise what little influence they have through social behavior.

And it's not the same as having a DIL or SIL. Not the same at all. Because for a non-senile adult, they can't be forced to co-habit with a DIL or SIL against their will. And the DIL or SIL doesn't have the same authority over their MIL and FIL that a step-parent has over a minor child. It's not even close to the same thing.

This is preposterous. By your definition, any decision that a parent imposes on a child is coercive. Requiring them to do chores is coercive. Finishing the broccoli on their plate is coercive. You devalue the meaning of the word by throwing it around so casually. I’d wager you’ve never experienced true coercion. If you had, you wouldn’t use it in such trivial contexts.

Bro. Making a child live with a person they don’t like and doesn’t like them is a BIG deal.

Welp, you make your kids live with you, no?

Curious, what exactly do you mean by "welp"?

[Anonymous]

Oh, who cares if teenagers get upset because their dad is dating someone they don't like? If they remove themselves from their dad's life in protest, and their dad doesn't seem to care or mind, why should the dad's girlfriend give a damn? Those are *his* bratty kids. His kids, his problem. If they eff off into the sunset... good. Less stress, more peace. Let them run off and live their own miserable lives.

[Anonymous]

To the poster in here who is dealing with her boyfriend's teenage brats: they are nice to you in front of him because he has obviously sat them down and informed them that they have to be. He has prioritized you. That should give you some comfort.

They'll either soften towards you over time or they won't. Either way, they'll grow up and get their own lives. Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. That's the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend needs to learn how to stand up to the little twerp. Let him deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Why is your 7 yo acting this way? Who modeled this behavior for him? I don’t think my almost 7 yo would even know how to do what you’ve described.

[Anonymous]

Girlfriend of dad of teenagers: please remember you are essentially a stranger to these kids. How would you feel if you went to your home, your haven, your private place, where you can be yourself and relax with your family, and there was a stranger sitting in the middle of it. That would probably make you pretty uncomfortable, right?

If their "rudeness" when their father leaves the room consists of sitting silently or scrolling on their phones - uh, yeah. No kidding. Why should they have to talk to you? They didn't ask for you to be there. This is different from interacting with a teacher, or a grocery store clerk, or even a distant relative who occasionally visits. You are a stranger who is in their space and they do not want you there. Any attempt by you to engage with them on anything other than their terms is aggressive and inappropriate. You are there to spend time with their father; do that, but leave the kids alone.

Sauce: would hide in my room any time my stepmom was home but my dad wasn't, and I know it bothered her. I'm a nice, polite, professional person. But the level of discomfort I felt being around her as an introvert who just wanted to be left alone was astronomical.