How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a lawyer and there are a lot of doctors in my family.

Doctors like to b**ch a lot about their jobs, but the reality is in some specialty you can have good hours and get paid well. Much more so than law, where if you have a government job you work full time and top out at 176k, or if you are the rare biglaw partner, you can make a ton but work terrible hours.

For ex, one of my relatives is a psychiatrist who works three eight hours days at a hospital and makes 140k. That's not bank, but that's for 24 hours, total. No on call, etc. To make that much as an attorney, you'd be working at least forty hours a week and probably more like fifty or more. My other relative has a practice that involves procedures, works maybe thirty to forty hours a week, and makes half a million a year.

My point is, dont discourage med school just because she wants to be a mom.

Why would you take put loans/ spend all that money to make 140K when psychiatric NPs make 120K with half the training? It's a waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

Ideal is two spouses with non demanding careers who make 150k each. Civil servants, engineers, accountants working in companies after a few years in public accounting, etc.

However, my girls can be whatever they want to be.

I took years off, and I have the opportunity to get back in and dream big because I went to the best school I could get into. I might be a few million dollars poorer than my peers, but I can be just as accomplished if I want to sweat like they did.

No regrets for me and I am ooking forward to my daughters' futures.

My older sister is a judge with kids. She is just a few years older but highly accomplished because she kept working and never took any time off. It's a good thing she did because she is getting divorced. No regrets for her either. She has wonderful kids and a great career.

Life is not perfect. You make the best of it, and you maintain optimism for the future. You win some decisions, you lose others. But it all works out.

[Anonymous]

Geez, I’m more confused than ever.

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough one. I think it varies by kid. If your kid has a strong interest and aptitude (like maybe the med school one) l would say go for it. Why not? I see many doctors who work part time so maybe it’s becoming a decent career for people who are seeking work life balance.

If your kid does not have strong interests or aptitude, then the next thing to consider is making sure they can support themselves. I would never advise a daughter to rely on a man to support her. Doesn’t mean you should advocate for only very high paid jobs, but at least a degree that leads to good job prospects. Then once she is earning her own money she can decide if she should step back or not to raise kids - maybe she will be the higher earner and he partner will be the primary parent who works part time, as is the case in my family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have taught your daughters everything you had to teach by your example. Whatever you say now will be just words and cannot outweigh what you have shown them. They can do what they want with what you have taught. It is up to them. Trust them to make the right (or eventually right, or close to right) decisions for themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy and a girl and I don't give gender-specific advice.

I tell them do not assume someone else will support you. Always make your own money. My belief is allowing someone else to support you financially permanently alters critical dynamics in the relationship. Beyond that, they will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's taking advice from other people that leads people down paths that make them unhappy. If you give them any advice at all, it should be "don't listen to advice."

If you've supported their self-esteem and autonomy, given them a good education, taught them common sense and practical life skills, they'll be fine no matter what they decide to do.

So many people choose a path because that's what they "ought to do," and they end up resentful and unhappy. Don't be part of that pressure, explicitly or implicitly. Just give them the tools to know their own minds, and to advocate for themselves and their needs in any relationship, personal or professional.

I have to agree with several of these points. Any advice you give is stale and is biased by your experience which is not enough of a sample to rely on. Parents think they know best but they do not -- even the best well meaning parents. Let them be them. That may mean ignoring a lot of the advice above. Have kids when you have kids. Yes find a great partner. But do not waste your youth. That comment will mean different things to different people. You have to let them find themselves and be them. That is the best advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To not have kids unless you really love children and have an incredibly strong desire.

Looking back, I had kids because everyone told me how great it is and it seemed like the next step in life. Major regrets.

Um, okay.

I don't "really love children" and didn't have an "incredibly strong desire," and my kids are the best thing that I've done and I've never regretted it.

OP, leave this particular crap to your kid to decide.

Maybe you were blessed with kids without mental disorders, unlike me, kids can ruin your life.

[Anonymous]

My advice for anyone is either to become a doctor in a specialty that has good flexibility/ability to make your own schedule OR get a job where you are paid for some combo of judgement/connections vs where you are paid to work hard and churn out work. I think that will become most true in a post-chatGPT world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am suggesting Emergency Medicine. Shift work with good pay and can flex in/out in terms intensity as family stuff changes. That's irrespective of gender.

plus don't forget to sprinkle in some trauma and exhaustion from working night shifts.

I feel like there are a lot of glowy people on here about being a dr. My relatives that are young drs work far harder than basically all others in my cohort except big law (and honestly I would still argue in residency they work harder than my friends who have done that). Yes there are some unicorn specialties but they may not be ones your kid is actually interested in and they are usually the hardest to get into for residency. If you are passionate about medicine do it! We need great drs. Of course. But don't go into it thinking it's anything but a pretty tough road for awhile. Good salary when out of residency but HUGE loans for the vast majority which cuts into it for another 5-10 years.

This isn't about whether particular careers are easy/hard but rather whether a teen girl should be discussed bc she may want to be a mom someday. Most of us are saying OP should not encourage her DD to sell herself short now.

I am a lawyer PP and have made decisions since having kids to have better work-life balance. But I don't regret pursuing this path in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

not impressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Why do they need to take time off?
I'm a great mom and I never stopped working.

Also, how do you know they'll be able to have kids?
How do you know they'll find a partner to have kids with?
How do you know they'll want to have kids?
How do you know they'll have a spouse/partner who assumes they should be the one to take time off if they have kids?

You're making A LOT of antiquated assumptions about womanhood/motherhood.

Your children - whether male or female - should pursue a career they are interested in and life will happen along the way. But right now is about college or career path, not planning for parenthood.

But what if your daughter’s biggest dream is to be a mother? My teenage daughter has wanted to be a mother since she was seven and is planning her career around her deep desire to be a mother. I never tried to convince her to have kids, this is 100% her idea. Her younger sister is on the fence about having kids and definitely cares more about her future career as an entrepreneur than having children. I would honestly prefer it if my kids didn’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not waste your college and especially grad school years. Shop for a husband.

Although I hope you are being sarcastic, I (unfortunately) think that half of the DCUM posts pushing nursing careers are so that their daughters meet a doctor to marry. smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

not impressed.

I'm impressed. You sound like a jealous and negative person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a boy and a girl and I don't give gender-specific advice.

I tell them do not assume someone else will support you. Always make your own money. My belief is allowing someone else to support you financially permanently alters critical dynamics in the relationship. Beyond that, they will figure it out.

This. I do however give different relationships advice to my sons and daughters. Career advice is gender neutral, however, with a few small exceptions.