How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?
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Anonymous
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As we start to look at colleges and majors and future careers, I'm at a loss on how to advise my girls on this. I was a teacher who then SAH a long time and then went back. This worked out for us due to my husband's income, but he doesn't really like his job (lawyer) and I can't really recommend teaching honestly. Both my girls know they want to be mothers, but also want to have careers. One in particular is considering med school but is definitely undecided.
How are you talking to your daughters about what they should consider for the future. I'm thinking in terms of work-life balance, monetary and non-monetary contributions to household from both spouses, childcare, etc. I honestly just don't even know how to advise them. I have never bought into the "have it all" notion, which is why I chose to SAH with a spouse whose career was demanding and a non-flexible teaching schedule. What is the ideal for working motherhood going forward? Does that make any sense? |
Anonymous
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To not have kids unless you really love children and have an incredibly strong desire.
Looking back, I had kids because everyone told me how great it is and it seemed like the next step in life. Major regrets. |
Anonymous
Um, okay. I don't "really love children" and didn't have an "incredibly strong desire," and my kids are the best thing that I've done and I've never regretted it. OP, leave this particular crap to your kid to decide. |
Anonymous
| They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help. |
Anonymous
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Ha my DD has NO interest in havingn kids, but then I didn't either, and now I can't imagine my life without them. I was fortunate to choose a career that I could do consulting on a part-time basis working from home while they were growing up and then just moved back into a FT role when they went to college. I think alot of jobs will offer that as well as work from home.
I am the primary breadwinner, and was even working PT, and was home for all of my kids sports events, school meetings etc. |
Anonymous
| Joint finances and no prenup or GTFO unless there are children from a previous marriage, which i would advise against but the heart wants what the heart wants |
Anonymous
| Get educated and start working before marriage. Keep credentials and credit updated throughout marriage and childraising. Don't have more children than you think you can raise as a single parrot. |
Anonymous
| *parent* hahahahaš¦š¦š¦š¦ |
Anonymous
+1 that, and don't have kids until you are closer to 30. Spend your 20s building your career and network. Very important to also be financially independent, just in case. Both my kids see how DH does a lot around the house. He does most of the cooking. |
Anonymous
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Instead of med school, look into PA school. Itās shorter and cheaper but still lets the graduates do a lot of ārealā medicine.
Otherwise, tell your daughters the same you would sons: choose something that interests you and lets you contribute to supporting a family. Choose a partner who supports all parts of you. |
Anonymous
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I'd focus more on your daughtes' finding themselves and then supportive partners who will be as invested in their careers as they are and letting them explore what they want to do. If there is a will, there's a way and there is no way to know in high school how various things in your life will play out. If they want to be a SAH mom at 30 and have married someone they love and he/she doesn't make enough for them to do it, than that is a family decision they will have to tackle together. No advice you could give now will have any bearing on that.
My group of friends in high school are now four MDs, one lawyer and one recovering journalist turned PR professional. One of the doctors has a stay at home husband; another one has two older kids in college and a set of twins who are in second grade from a second marriage; another doctor is divorced but has her parents nearby who provide childcare support and occasionally financial support. The lawyer moved for her husband's job to Europe and does contract work. I'm the PR woman and in an unexpected twist make more than two of the doctors. None of this has any bearing on where we thought we would be as high school and college students but all (but one) have found stable lives, homes, partners, children - basically lives of abundance but not necessarily always on the money side. |
Anonymous
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Honestly I would try not to burden them with all this baggage. I would hope my kids would be optimistic and open minded. Work hard in college etc to have more options open for their career. Including busy careers or ones that allow for work-life balance.
I don't think I thought about any of this when I was a teen. It's been nuanced to navigate as an adult. |
Anonymous
| We have four adult daughters. Theyāre all fine. We never āadvisedā them on any of this BS. All weāve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. Youāre overthinking this, OP. Itās almost as if youāre projecting your own regrets on to them. |
Anonymous
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It's taking advice from other people that leads people down paths that make them unhappy. If you give them any advice at all, it should be "don't listen to advice."
If you've supported their self-esteem and autonomy, given them a good education, taught them common sense and practical life skills, they'll be fine no matter what they decide to do. So many people choose a path because that's what they "ought to do," and they end up resentful and unhappy. Don't be part of that pressure, explicitly or implicitly. Just give them the tools to know their own minds, and to advocate for themselves and their needs in any relationship, personal or professional. |
Anonymous
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Every adult in a household needs to work and if one person in the household decides to not work you need to understand the consequences of those actions.
Don't ever want to be X and then say, I guess I won't do that because I want to be a parent... that's insance. Be X then if parenting and X does not work out, you adjust... become a pediatrician instead of a surgeon, be a part time accountant, but be what you want to be. One person in the marriage can not think "I am giving a gift to my spouse of staying home" while the other spouse thinks "I am giving up my career for my spouse" and then years later each think the other had the better deal. If 1 spouse stays home and the other works, what does that mean to you if there is a divorce. You work 80 hours a week so that you can pay alimony and never see your kids. If you stay home you are essentially saying I am okay with being poor in my older year if something happens death/divorce/etc, you might have to go back to work at 50 and work until you are 70 so support yourself... are you okay with that scenario? Do you want both parents to be fully involved in the children's lives or do you want 1 absent parent and 1 present parent. If you want your children to have 2 parents you need to arrange you life that way. There is not right or wrong when making this decision, there are only decisions and consequences. |