How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

[Anonymous]

Agree it is so important to find a great person to share life with. Not someone "nice," not something good at "impression management," not someone who "love bombs" with over the top gestures that activate all the dopamine... Find a person of character who behaves in a selfless way, consistently.

I think it is much harder to go back to school later if circumstances require it, so it's good to go ahead and get that graduate degree in your 20s. Figure out what you really want to do, and go for it. I have so much respect for doctors, but medical school is a huge challenge. Be sure you want to do that.

I don't think the field matters as long as you can find some employment. I will probably get flamed for this, but where I live, public school teachers make six figures. And there's opportunities to get additional degrees and admin positions. I don't think that's so bad. Maybe they won't bring in plastic surgeon numbers. But if you live within your means, that's a nice, solid second income.

[Anonymous]

I tell both son and daughter to make sure they can support themself and focus on career before getting married or have kids. I got married young-ish (26) and had 2 kids by 32. But I was a young attorney making enough money to pay for daycare/nanny and by the time they were in elementary school I had a lot more autonomy over my schedule and was able to really be there for them. Wouldn’t change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Don't have kids unless you can commit 18 years to being pretty much selfless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I actually think you are the one with the unrealistic picture of working and motherhood.

Yes, doctors can take off, they can also take on jobs that are flexible and they can take teaching jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

THIS. It's critical.

And be financially sound in your own right. As well as know where the money is when/if you marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

They’ll figure it out man. C’mon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I actually think you are the one with the unrealistic picture of working and motherhood.

Yes, doctors can take off, they can also take on jobs that are flexible and they can take teaching jobs.

+1

OP it feels like you are already encouraging your daughters to aim low career wise because that's the only way to also have a family.

I would say the opposite can also be true. I have a lot of doctor friends, many married to other Drs. Some are all-in (one even has a SAH spouse), some work part-time, some moved to shift work that is flexible etc. None regret becoming doctors and the ones that wanted kids have them. If your hourly wage is high, you sometimes have more options in terms of working fewer hrs and still making good $. I am a lawyer and have lawyer friends in this boat as well (ex. PT of counsel at a big law firm).

Of course your kids can make whatever decisions they want. No one has to have a superpowered career. But don't limit them like this from the start. That's awful.

[Anonymous]

I haven't. I don't think it's my place. These are things they can figure out for themselves. My best friend and I both had stay at home moms for a while before they each went back to work. She loved when her mom was home and hated when her mom went back to work. I hated when my mom was home and loved when she went back to work. Some people get their self esteem out of work, and some out of having kids with perfect hair and clothes. No one way is best for all people.

[Anonymous]

My mom told me to always have my own money - whether that's a cash fare to get home from a party, or a private savings account if I need to leave my spouse. I would add to that, keep current the skills and connections to get a new job if whatever the current situation is (including SAH) goes south. Marriages end for a variety of reasons, and jobs end too. You don't need to have one foot out the door but you should know where the doors are.

I have an only child and am willing to help her with childcare if/when she has kids. I plan to tell her that, and encourage her to think about family networks when choosing her profession and hometown. I moved far away from home and then regretted it; my ILs moved to be near us and their granddaughter which I will always appreciate.

We know a lot of teachers and nurses, and I'm a lawyer. There are different kinds of flexibility - some people have flexible schedules, and some people have flexible workplaces, and some people have neither. I hope to talk to DD more about those tradeoffs as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

-Don't become a nurse. I know DCUM generally loves nurses but for me it has been a succession of underpaid and under-appreciated jobs. And I have a master's degree, went to Hopkins, did a large variety of things within nursing--really maxed out the profession. But I would never advise my daughters to pursue it. I'd estimate that 95% of my friends in nursing agree.

-Don't stay home for more than a few years. My good friend was a trailing spouse of a State Department employee and never worked. He just left her and she is screwed--financially, socially, etc. Not worth it. Women--always have a job and a life outside the family unit. You never know what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't. I don't think it's my place. These are things they can figure out for themselves. My best friend and I both had stay at home moms for a while before they each went back to work. She loved when her mom was home and hated when her mom went back to work. I hated when my mom was home and loved when she went back to work. Some people get their self esteem out of work, and some out of having kids with perfect hair and clothes. No one way is best for all people.

+1. OP, your daughter may not even have kids. Or not have kids until older in life, career already solidified. Her priorities will change. Personally I'm not advising my daughter to choose a major or a career based on whether or not she'll have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

How about first learn to BE a good partner?
That’s the part most people are missing.