How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should focus on themselves and choose careers that they think they will like (or at least don't sound awful) and pay well. They very well may not end up getting married. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm mid-40s and I have plenty of female friends (who are attractive, well-educated, accomplished) who never found anyone and are still single. So they need to be able to support themselves at a comfortable standard of living (whatever that means to them).

I also have lots of single female friends in their 40s. It's a choice they made. Not a wrong choice - many are happy - but some thought that marriage would happen eventually if they just went about their lives. If you want a spouse and/or kids, which OP says hers do, you do have to decide that and make it happen. Whether that means dating with intent or settling or single mom IVF or whatever.

And how many of these now 40 something single women regret that choice they made? I bet my bottom dollar that virtually all of them do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I would say generally no, most practicing doctors typically can't take a few years off to SAH. My sister is an MD and she was just mentioning she can't even imagine taking a longer maternity leave even because she would be worried she would forget too much/lose skills. Her specialty includes surgery and a surgeon basically has to keep up their skills regularly. If you want to help your daughters make more informed decisions, try to help them to informational interviews with women in these careers. Medicine is a HARD career for anyone, especially women. So so hard. It is doable if you are passionate about it, 100%. My sister is a great, present mom and physician, as are many of her colleagues. But it is a VERY LONG ROAD and involves a lot of time away from your child. There is just no other way around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I would say generally no, most practicing doctors typically can't take a few years off to SAH. My sister is an MD and she was just mentioning she can't even imagine taking a longer maternity leave even because she would be worried she would forget too much/lose skills. Her specialty includes surgery and a surgeon basically has to keep up their skills regularly. If you want to help your daughters make more informed decisions, try to help them to informational interviews with women in these careers. Medicine is a HARD career for anyone, especially women. So so hard. It is doable if you are passionate about it, 100%. My sister is a great, present mom and physician, as are many of her colleagues. But it is a VERY LONG ROAD and involves a lot of time away from your child. There is just no other way around it.

I see someone else mentioned part time work. This is actually a good option for physicians but it can take a bit to get here. You need to get through residency and then after residency most want to build up their skills before scaling back. But eventually there can be some good options. It just should be done because you truly want to be a physician, be working with patients and can't really see a different path for yourself. If you can see a different path, there are easier paths to life, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have daughters, but I am a women with a successful career. My mom raised me to make my own money and not be dependent on any man. A man is not a plan. She also raised me in a home with a father who was an active, involved parent who contributed to the household maintenance while having a full time job and volunteering in our community- just like my mom. I married a man who sets a similar example for our sons of what it means to be an equal partner and parent while also being an employee, friend, and neighbor.

You should give your daughters the advice to follow their passions and ambitions as far as they will take them - and to choose a partner like the men I hope my sons will be who won’t expect them to “mommy track” their career for the sake of his ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

NP here
You have no idea how things will work out. They are young.
My sister had it all, great husband, 15 million dollars, great kids etc. Until she was 40.. diagnosed bipolar. Now end stage alcoholic at 55. Failed rehab x 4. Divorcing. Kids don't talk her.


Husband's brother was happily married with a job and 2 kids. Divorced at 35. Moved back in with his mom in 2007 and had never worked since.

Talk to me in 15 years

[Anonymous]

Women need Four Animals to be successful
1) Jaguar in the Driveway
2) Tiger in the Bed
3) Mink on their back
4) a Jackass to pay for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

NP here
You have no idea how things will work out. They are young.
My sister had it all, great husband, 15 million dollars, great kids etc. Until she was 40.. diagnosed bipolar. Now end stage alcoholic at 55. Failed rehab x 4. Divorcing. Kids don't talk her.


Husband's brother was happily married with a job and 2 kids. Divorced at 35. Moved back in with his mom in 2007 and had never worked since.

Talk to me in 15 years

Okay? None of this has anything to do with OP's ask, or the PP who said that kids can figure out careers without "advice"/baggage from their parents as teens.

[Anonymous]

How do you advise anyone even your kid about what to do and who to be? Is t the point to raise at independent person as a parent? Whatever my kids want out of life as long as they are not breaking laws or hurting others, themselves abs making a living enough to support themselves is fine. Kid wants to be a garbageman? Fine. As long as he's healthy and at peace with himself, why is that bad? Kid wants to be a Dr with a zillion dollars in school loans? As long as she is aware of the reality and has a plan to live with the debt and it's worth it - go ahead. I mean, it's impossible to guide your kids to the "perfect" life of happiness and bliss. There's gonna be some low point and sacrifice in life because it's a long path usually and you may change your mind at different times in how you want to live.

The best advice I tell my kids when they ask us to throw it back to them and ask them what they think will be good for them. Be true to themselves and not do anything for money or think it's a job or career is permanent. That's what I wish someone told me. Figure out what they are good at and what they like to do - figure out how they want to live is all there is. The rest comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, and I'm surprised at the people saying the kids will just figure it out. Sure, we figure things out eventually, but some of my early choices really limited my options later. For example, I chose a field that mostly exists on the East coast, when it turns out I'd rather be on the West coast. I might have more kids if I'd married earlier or married someone with different ambitions. And so on.

OP, it sounds like you don't have exposure to a lot of different jobs (basing that off your question about doctors). I was in a similar situation in that my mom was miserable as a nurse, so I steered clear of all medicine, but now I know a lot of different types of nurses and some of them have great jobs: I wish I'd known about those options. You could try to introduce your kids to people in many differnet careers and, when the kids are approaching college, set up informational chats about how those people like their careers and work-life balance.

And you really think you would have made different choices had your mommy advised you? Somehow I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

You have 4 kids which means you have a huge chance 1 kids life goes sideways. Be prepared.

Oh please. Give it a rest and stop wishing ill on another poster just because you don’t like what they’re saying.

[Anonymous]

No one can have it all.

Don’t search for a job or career that fulfills you or defines you. Search for a job or career that enables you to do the things that fulfill you with the people you love to be with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

NP here
You have no idea how things will work out. They are young.
My sister had it all, great husband, 15 million dollars, great kids etc. Until she was 40.. diagnosed bipolar. Now end stage alcoholic at 55. Failed rehab x 4. Divorcing. Kids don't talk her.


Husband's brother was happily married with a job and 2 kids. Divorced at 35. Moved back in with his mom in 2007 and had never worked since.

Talk to me in 15 years

You are all so damned bitter. It’s amazing.

[Anonymous]

I have told my daughters if they want to have a career and children they need to think about and plan for the possibility that when their baby is born they may want to be a SAHM at least for a few years. Make sure they have enough money saved to cover that possibility and a spouse who supports it. Too many women today just assume that they will be okay with putting their infants in daycare once maternity leave is over and then the reality is they are not fine with it at all but have left themselves no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I would say generally no, most practicing doctors typically can't take a few years off to SAH. My sister is an MD and she was just mentioning she can't even imagine taking a longer maternity leave even because she would be worried she would forget too much/lose skills. Her specialty includes surgery and a surgeon basically has to keep up their skills regularly. If you want to help your daughters make more informed decisions, try to help them to informational interviews with women in these careers. Medicine is a HARD career for anyone, especially women. So so hard. It is doable if you are passionate about it, 100%. My sister is a great, present mom and physician, as are many of her colleagues. But it is a VERY LONG ROAD and involves a lot of time away from your child. There is just no other way around it.

That’s not generally that’s specific to surgeons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, and I'm surprised at the people saying the kids will just figure it out. Sure, we figure things out eventually, but some of my early choices really limited my options later. For example, I chose a field that mostly exists on the East coast, when it turns out I'd rather be on the West coast. I might have more kids if I'd married earlier or married someone with different ambitions. And so on.

OP, it sounds like you don't have exposure to a lot of different jobs (basing that off your question about doctors). I was in a similar situation in that my mom was miserable as a nurse, so I steered clear of all medicine, but now I know a lot of different types of nurses and some of them have great jobs: I wish I'd known about those options. You could try to introduce your kids to people in many differnet careers and, when the kids are approaching college, set up informational chats about how those people like their careers and work-life balance.

I was one of the people who said they'll figure it out. We might toss a one-off comment to our DD like "It seems like you really thrive when you're traveling" and she can incorporate that statement into her life however she wants, but we won't say "You should get a job that involves traveling." That's for her to decide. And maybe she likes traveling when there are no set plans but doesn't want to travel for work, or wants a dog and doesn't want to leave it to travel for work or a thousand other things. We raised a smart woman who can think for herself. And we let her do that, which includes yes, making some mistakes and learning from them. That's what life is all about.