How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

NP here
You have no idea how things will work out. They are young.
My sister had it all, great husband, 15 million dollars, great kids etc. Until she was 40.. diagnosed bipolar. Now end stage alcoholic at 55. Failed rehab x 4. Divorcing. Kids don't talk her.


Husband's brother was happily married with a job and 2 kids. Divorced at 35. Moved back in with his mom in 2007 and had never worked since.

Talk to me in 15 years

You are all so damned bitter. It’s amazing.

It’s not bitter it’s realistic.

[Anonymous]

I'd say finding a 50% partner is way more important than your career. Find a man who makes the same income as you (or more of course!) and will also do 50% of the work.

Go after what you love and you'll be happy in what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can have it all.

Don’t search for a job or career that fulfills you or defines you. Search for a job or career that enables you to do the things that fulfill you with the people you love to be with.

You can definitely have it all. Just not all at the same time. Timing, flexibility and options are crucial

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer and there are a lot of doctors in my family.

Doctors like to b**ch a lot about their jobs, but the reality is in some specialty you can have good hours and get paid well. Much more so than law, where if you have a government job you work full time and top out at 176k, or if you are the rare biglaw partner, you can make a ton but work terrible hours.

For ex, one of my relatives is a psychiatrist who works three eight hours days at a hospital and makes 140k. That's not bank, but that's for 24 hours, total. No on call, etc. To make that much as an attorney, you'd be working at least forty hours a week and probably more like fifty or more. My other relative has a practice that involves procedures, works maybe thirty to forty hours a week, and makes half a million a year.

My point is, dont discourage med school just because she wants to be a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

NP here
You have no idea how things will work out. They are young.
My sister had it all, great husband, 15 million dollars, great kids etc. Until she was 40.. diagnosed bipolar. Now end stage alcoholic at 55. Failed rehab x 4. Divorcing. Kids don't talk her.


Husband's brother was happily married with a job and 2 kids. Divorced at 35. Moved back in with his mom in 2007 and had never worked since.

Talk to me in 15 years

You are all so damned bitter. It’s amazing.

It’s not bitter it’s realistic.

No, the situation that this poster has described is not realistic. It’s pretty much a worse case scenario. I suppose I can’t count on the clearly happy marriages of my kids - two of which are already into their second decade - lasting forever. But, no, I don’t think there’s any reason to anticipate a doomsday scenario at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Please don't discourage your daughter from going to medical school because you want her to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should focus on themselves and choose careers that they think they will like (or at least don't sound awful) and pay well. They very well may not end up getting married. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm mid-40s and I have plenty of female friends (who are attractive, well-educated, accomplished) who never found anyone and are still single. So they need to be able to support themselves at a comfortable standard of living (whatever that means to them).

I also have lots of single female friends in their 40s. It's a choice they made. Not a wrong choice - many are happy - but some thought that marriage would happen eventually if they just went about their lives. If you want a spouse and/or kids, which OP says hers do, you do have to decide that and make it happen. Whether that means dating with intent or settling or single mom IVF or whatever.

And how many of these now 40 something single women regret that choice they made? I bet my bottom dollar that virtually all of them do.

Single and childless here at age 46! Perfectly happy. Many of my married mom friends seem miserable, exhausted, and constantly complaining about their life. So you'd lose that bet in my case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Please don't discourage your daughter from going to medical school because you want her to be a SAHM.

YES! I came to say the same thing!

OP I can't believe you are trying discourage your daughters from great careers so they can pop out babies??? Wtf!

How about you encourage them to follow their dreams? Work hard? Make their own money? Stop discouraging women from having a career because you want to be a granny

[Anonymous]

Many of the jobs your girls might want to do it probably don’t even exist yet, so what time sort that out on their own.

I would tell them though, but I tell all of my young mentees. Who and if they marry is the number one indicator of their future. Having a true partner will make or break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Why do they need to take time off?
I'm a great mom and I never stopped working.

Also, how do you know they'll be able to have kids?
How do you know they'll find a partner to have kids with?
How do you know they'll want to have kids?
How do you know they'll have a spouse/partner who assumes they should be the one to take time off if they have kids?

You're making A LOT of antiquated assumptions about womanhood/motherhood.

Your children - whether male or female - should pursue a career they are interested in and life will happen along the way. But right now is about college or career path, not planning for parenthood.

[Anonymous]

I am suggesting Emergency Medicine. Shift work with good pay and can flex in/out in terms intensity as family stuff changes. That's irrespective of gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Why do they need to take time off?
I'm a great mom and I never stopped working.

Also, how do you know they'll be able to have kids?
How do you know they'll find a partner to have kids with?
How do you know they'll want to have kids?
How do you know they'll have a spouse/partner who assumes they should be the one to take time off if they have kids?

You're making A LOT of antiquated assumptions about womanhood/motherhood.

Your children - whether male or female - should pursue a career they are interested in and life will happen along the way. But right now is about college or career path, not planning for parenthood.

+1 this is an incredibly regressive OP for 2023

[Anonymous]

I don’t tell them want to study.

I just am very clear how expensive life is (housing, childcare, the travel they live), and that help identify some career paths that might pay better. Their current goal is to save a big nest egg before kids, so maximize career but who knows what they will do.

As for dating, I just show them news articles about how modern adult dating is dominated by OLD and how awful that is. I will leave it to them to see what happens in college and grad school

I try to give them knowledge, not advise, but really wish I could give them wisdom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Please don't discourage your daughter from going to medical school because you want her to be a SAHM.

+ 1 my parents did exact that - they discouraged me from going to med school as it would not be a good career choice for a woman/mother in their view. I followed their advice and still regret it to this day. I have a good career in another field but never lived my dream of becoming a doctor. It was decades ago, though, and it is quite sad that some women like you, OP, still think along this sexist lines. Let your daughters fulfill their ambitions and make their own choices when the time comes. Real choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am suggesting Emergency Medicine. Shift work with good pay and can flex in/out in terms intensity as family stuff changes. That's irrespective of gender.

plus don't forget to sprinkle in some trauma and exhaustion from working night shifts.

I feel like there are a lot of glowy people on here about being a dr. My relatives that are young drs work far harder than basically all others in my cohort except big law (and honestly I would still argue in residency they work harder than my friends who have done that). Yes there are some unicorn specialties but they may not be ones your kid is actually interested in and they are usually the hardest to get into for residency. If you are passionate about medicine do it! We need great drs. Of course. But don't go into it thinking it's anything but a pretty tough road for awhile. Good salary when out of residency but HUGE loans for the vast majority which cuts into it for another 5-10 years.