How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

PP here, and I'm surprised at the people saying the kids will just figure it out. Sure, we figure things out eventually, but some of my early choices really limited my options later. For example, I chose a field that mostly exists on the East coast, when it turns out I'd rather be on the West coast. I might have more kids if I'd married earlier or married someone with different ambitions. And so on.

OP, it sounds like you don't have exposure to a lot of different jobs (basing that off your question about doctors). I was in a similar situation in that my mom was miserable as a nurse, so I steered clear of all medicine, but now I know a lot of different types of nurses and some of them have great jobs: I wish I'd known about those options. You could try to introduce your kids to people in many differnet careers and, when the kids are approaching college, set up informational chats about how those people like their careers and work-life balance.

[Anonymous]

I give my sons and daughters the same advice which is to basically live as far BELOW your means as you can for as long as you can, keep your expenses LOW, and save as much as you can while you’re young. The more money you can save while keeping your expenses low, the more options you have later, including for things like SAH or taking long maternity/paternity leaves, switching jobs/careers, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have doctor and PA mom friends who make good money and have great work-life balance. I'm a fully remote management consultant and have terrible balance. Appearances can be deceiving More important than career planning advice, to me, would be pre-marital counseling. My spouse and I prided ourselves on being a 'great team' when we were dating/engaged/first married, but really we were just two successful and independent people. Our kids have exposed real gaps/lopsidedness in contribution to our partnership, and it's been very hard. I think taking some time to talk through this ahead of time, rather than finding ourselves unhappy with our default situation but lacking tools to address it, would have been so valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

How about first learn to BE a good partner?
That’s the part most people are missing.

Not women.

Unless you're an incel with no experience with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I've told kids, DS and DD, that working and having kids is *HARD*, and that is why you need a spouse who is helpful at home. I don't sugarcoat how hard it's been for me to work and have a family. We moved to a lcol area, and I quit for 1.5 years to reduce the stress in our lives. My kids are in HS/college, and I've shared with them why we moved to where we are.

They have older cousins n their 20s/30s, and they see how the the older cousins are putting career first in their 20s, and also looking for stable, helpful partners. One is about to be married; the other feels too young 25 but is dating; the last one isn't financially stable, and they know it, so they are not looking for anything serious right now.

[Anonymous]

Figure out what you want to do and how that can support the lifestyle you want. Add a kid that you need to be able to support on your own. Work to find a partner that wants what you want and is kind and supportive of your needs but also has a vision for his life and build that joint vision together. If my daughters want to go do medicine and med school, i will help them and also help with kids if they have them early in their careers and need/want my help. I only have 2 kids because my parents live close, are emergency and regular date night/work trip child care and my husband is a full on board partner in marriage and parenting (he also travels for work a lot).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would try not to burden them with all this baggage. I would hope my kids would be optimistic and open minded. Work hard in college etc to have more options open for their career. Including busy careers or ones that allow for work-life balance.

I don't think I thought about any of this when I was a teen. It's been nuanced to navigate as an adult.

This.

[Anonymous]

They should focus on themselves and choose careers that they think they will like (or at least don't sound awful) and pay well. They very well may not end up getting married. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm mid-40s and I have plenty of female friends (who are attractive, well-educated, accomplished) who never found anyone and are still single. So they need to be able to support themselves at a comfortable standard of living (whatever that means to them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

I don't know about SAH, but doctors in some specialties can scale down their workload drastically if they want to. My dermatologist has been working 2 days per week since she's had her kids. I know another doctor (ER) who picks shifts only a few days a month and a pediatrician whose job is providing the weekend coverage for a group.

[Anonymous]

The only advice I give is that it's essential to pick a good partner to do it. A wrong partner will sink you, a right one will lift you.

[Anonymous]

Older kids don’t want advice from their parents. They’re going to roll their eyes at whatever you say and think they know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult daughters. They’re all fine. We never “advised” them on any of this BS. All we’ve ever done is support them on whatever they want to do. You’re overthinking this, OP. It’s almost as if you’re projecting your own regrets on to them.

Lol, are you daughters 50+ years old, if not you don't really know how it will all "work out".

They’re all well into their 30s. All four have master’s degrees. Three are married, all to great guys. Two have children. The other two don’t and don’t plan to.

Yes, it’s all worked out. They’ve taken different paths and taken different amounts of time to arrive to different places and we’ve supported them all along the way without “advising” them on anything unless they ask first. You model behavior for them. You don’t tell them what to do.

You have 4 kids which means you have a huge chance 1 kids life goes sideways. Be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They should focus on themselves and choose careers that they think they will like (or at least don't sound awful) and pay well. They very well may not end up getting married. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm mid-40s and I have plenty of female friends (who are attractive, well-educated, accomplished) who never found anyone and are still single. So they need to be able to support themselves at a comfortable standard of living (whatever that means to them).

I also have lots of single female friends in their 40s. It's a choice they made. Not a wrong choice - many are happy - but some thought that marriage would happen eventually if they just went about their lives. If you want a spouse and/or kids, which OP says hers do, you do have to decide that and make it happen. Whether that means dating with intent or settling or single mom IVF or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, and I'm surprised at the people saying the kids will just figure it out. Sure, we figure things out eventually, but some of my early choices really limited my options later. For example, I chose a field that mostly exists on the East coast, when it turns out I'd rather be on the West coast. I might have more kids if I'd married earlier or married someone with different ambitions. And so on.

OP, it sounds like you don't have exposure to a lot of different jobs (basing that off your question about doctors). I was in a similar situation in that my mom was miserable as a nurse, so I steered clear of all medicine, but now I know a lot of different types of nurses and some of them have great jobs: I wish I'd known about those options. You could try to introduce your kids to people in many differnet careers and, when the kids are approaching college, set up informational chats about how those people like their careers and work-life balance.

You illustrated it in your first paragraph -- there are so many variables and experiences that come up, that it's hard to say this.is.the.one.true.path.

[Anonymous]

Do not waste your college and especially grad school years. Shop for a husband.