How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Adoption is a rather difficult task. Check it out over in the infertility threads.

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of the “shooting for the stars” girl power type of talk but young women go on TikTok and are bombarded with make-up tutorials, girls bouncing about in bikinis for subscribers and people fawning over preppy wealthy girls who showcase their family vacations and luxe wardrobe.
Oddly, the straight girls drooling over strong, confident lesbian soccer players content feels the most empowering. You get the impression they don’t “desire” the girls so much as want to be them. My point is many, many young woman are fantasizing about big diamonds and Paris honeymoons. I see so much content about their desire to be taken care of, ie, not work and live the all white furnished, pilates and a latte life.

So, unless you’re a typical DCUM overachiever (with all their Lake Wobegon above average children) or your daughter has super employable strengths (e.g., STEM), I wouldn’t wait around for this “passion” to rear its precious head; advise them to choose a career path that is stolid and pays a living wage. The rest has too many variables and will work itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd focus more on your daughtes' finding themselves and then supportive partners who will be as invested in their careers as they are and letting them explore what they want to do. If there is a will, there's a way and there is no way to know in high school how various things in your life will play out. If they want to be a SAH mom at 30 and have married someone they love and he/she doesn't make enough for them to do it, than that is a family decision they will have to tackle together. No advice you could give now will have any bearing on that.

My group of friends in high school are now four MDs, one lawyer and one recovering journalist turned PR professional. One of the doctors has a stay at home husband; another one has two older kids in college and a set of twins who are in second grade from a second marriage; another doctor is divorced but has her parents nearby who provide childcare support and occasionally financial support. The lawyer moved for her husband's job to Europe and does contract work. I'm the PR woman and in an unexpected twist make more than two of the doctors. None of this has any bearing on where we thought we would be as high school and college students but all (but one) have found stable lives, homes, partners, children - basically lives of abundance but not necessarily always on the money side.

I work in PR and am curious how you make more than the 2 doctors... tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would try not to burden them with all this baggage. I would hope my kids would be optimistic and open minded. Work hard in college etc to have more options open for their career. Including busy careers or ones that allow for work-life balance.

I don't think I thought about any of this when I was a teen. It's been nuanced to navigate as an adult.

+1 In pretty hands-off with this stuff, and follow this cues. They’re in the world and see what we do, what their friends’ parents do, etc. aww keep the lines of communication open and handle these discussions as they come up organically.

But honestly, their eyes would glaze over if we tried to talk to them about work/life balance, etc. at this point. It’s come up a bit more with our oldest, who just started college and is starting his young adult life, but otherwise…no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would try not to burden them with all this baggage. I would hope my kids would be optimistic and open minded. Work hard in college etc to have more options open for their career. Including busy careers or ones that allow for work-life balance.

I don't think I thought about any of this when I was a teen. It's been nuanced to navigate as an adult.

+1 In pretty hands-off with this stuff, and follow this cues. They’re in the world and see what we do, what their friends’ parents do, etc. aww keep the lines of communication open and handle these discussions as they come up organically.

But honestly, their eyes would glaze over if we tried to talk to them about work/life balance, etc. at this point. It’s come up a bit more with our oldest, who just started college and is starting his young adult life, but otherwise…no.

Ugh, sorry for typos!!

[Anonymous]

OP, you're getting way ahead of yourself. Your DDs have an entire world in front of them, including lifestyles beyond your knowledge and experience. Maybe they won't want to partner, or be in a monogamous relationship, or have kids, or have a career. Whatever you have to say to them is going to be hopelessly passe by the time they are of the age to consider these things. Suggest you spend more time supporting them with what is directly in front of them now, and what is in their IMMEDIATE future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

THIS. It's critical.

And be financially sound in your own right. As well as know where the money is when/if you marry.

So basically its all about money, make money, find someone who makes money and keep focus on joint money. No wonder, so many marriages fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

How about first learn to BE a good partner?
That’s the part most people are missing.

THis^. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Please don't discourage your daughter from going to medical school because you want her to be a SAHM.

True but also don't push your daughters to go into medicine as education and training eats up their youth. Sense of superiority and lack of work-life balance robs them of happy marital lives or gets divorced. Obviously half of them do it all and do it well but overall its taxing even though lucrative and fulfilling and lots of doctors regret their choices but can't get out of rat race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As we start to look at colleges and majors and future careers, I'm at a loss on how to advise my girls on this. I was a teacher who then SAH a long time and then went back. This worked out for us due to my husband's income, but he doesn't really like his job (lawyer) and I can't really recommend teaching honestly. Both my girls know they want to be mothers, but also want to have careers. One in particular is considering med school but is definitely undecided.

How are you talking to your daughters about what they should consider for the future. I'm thinking in terms of work-life balance, monetary and non-monetary contributions to household from both spouses, childcare, etc. I honestly just don't even know how to advise them. I have never bought into the "have it all" notion, which is why I chose to SAH with a spouse whose career was demanding and a non-flexible teaching schedule. What is the ideal for working motherhood going forward?

Does that make any sense?

OP, just advice them to find careers and partners they enjoy, doesn't have to lucrative careers and wealthy husbands, fulfilling careers and loving husbands are more valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They should focus on themselves and choose careers that they think they will like (or at least don't sound awful) and pay well. They very well may not end up getting married. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm mid-40s and I have plenty of female friends (who are attractive, well-educated, accomplished) who never found anyone and are still single. So they need to be able to support themselves at a comfortable standard of living (whatever that means to them).

I also have lots of single female friends in their 40s. It's a choice they made. Not a wrong choice - many are happy - but some thought that marriage would happen eventually if they just went about their lives. If you want a spouse and/or kids, which OP says hers do, you do have to decide that and make it happen. Whether that means dating with intent or settling or single mom IVF or whatever.

This. I know several great women in their very late thirties/early forties who have never found a good partner. I know a few other women who settled with whoever they were dating around 35 with pretty bad results. If they want to be married they need to put effort into it. A lot of the good guys get married young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of med school, look into PA school. It’s shorter and cheaper but still lets the graduates do a lot of “real” medicine.

Otherwise, tell your daughters the same you would sons: choose something that interests you and lets you contribute to supporting a family. Choose a partner who supports all parts of you.

And recognize that American society means males are paid and rewarded more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to find a good partner. Either the partner does their share of the work, or they make enough money to hire help, and they are willing to manage said help.

THIS. It's critical.

And be financially sound in your own right. As well as know where the money is when/if you marry.

So basically its all about money, make money, find someone who makes money and keep focus on joint money. No wonder, so many marriages fail.

My mom taught me to make my own money. In this day and age, women can do that in this country.

[Anonymous]

The advice I give is simple: In all things fine balance.

You can have it all but maybe not all at once. Be willing to sacrifice for things you want but don’t sacrifice more than you can bear. Don’t love a partner more than you love yourself. Work has a purpose but you are still replaceable there. Don’t value it over where you are irreplaceable.

Balance over time is the goal.

[Anonymous]

My parents had 3 girls and their goal was that we would have a career that we enjoy and would be able to support ourselves financially. If we found people to share our life with that would be great, but we shouldn’t count on a rich spouse/marriage. I thought it was good mentality.