How are you advising your daughters on career/working motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Why would you give your daughters different advice than sons?

They should aim high and work hard in their careers, same as men, without thinking about baby plans. They most likely will not start having kids for years or a decade after graduating college. If they decide to take a step back when they have kids, then they’ll be taking a step back from a much better place in life.

It kills me when women are forced to be stay at home because their whole lives they made choices to make less money and take jobs they don’t like for “flexibility”, and then by the time they have kids it “didn’t make sense” to “pay to work” because daycare was as much as their salary and they hate their jobs anyway.

[Anonymous]

I've told my college daughter to work as hard on your personal life as you do your work life. Try to nail down a marriage partner by 30. Past 30, it gets really, really hard. Make your personal life a priority. Work fades, family lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give my sons and daughters the same advice which is to basically live as far BELOW your means as you can for as long as you can, keep your expenses LOW, and save as much as you can while you’re young. The more money you can save while keeping your expenses low, the more options you have later, including for things like SAH or taking long maternity/paternity leaves, switching jobs/careers, etc.

Yes! This is the exact advice I give my kids. It's what my husband and I did too, so they see it in action.

[Anonymous]

I will tell my daughter what my mother told me:
"You can have it all, just not at the same time."

In other words, there will be times where you will need to ramp down somewhat from work for your kids, and then there will be times where you can go full bore, but usually not simultaneously. Worked for me! Also, be careful choosing a partner--having an equitable marriage is the key to balancing it all.

[Anonymous]

Im not overbearing so I don’t advise them on this. Not like they would listen anyways. People chose their own path. They will learn from your mistakes and also take from you the good they saw in your choices. Don’t make them your dream deferred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks.

I think I just worry because I didn't work for so long, and the women they know who do work (aunts, friends, neighbors) all appear to have this great balance - I worry they have a unrealistically rosy picture of motherhood, that's all. Like, can doctors even take a few years off to SAH, or is that impossible? (Just an example)

Why don’t you tell them the truth? They will face very hard decisions, one of which being how to balance career and motherhood. Even if they may want to prioritize motherhood, they may not be able to do so. They may prioritize career, that’s fine, too. In any event, it all boils down to having a great partner with whom they can discuss these decision points and make joint decisions. And also tell them that even if they prioritize career, they still can be great moms. To me, it is as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach them that a man is not a plan. No women should be financially dependent on a man.

DH and I are divorcing— and it is a good thing for our family. This is exactly what I told my daughter this evening. We are able to divorce amicably without any fuss because both DH and I are financially independent.

[Anonymous]

A meme of this post is going around Facebook today; I sure wish the adult women in my life had told me this when I was young!

Bunny Knox
August 3, 2022 • © "Honestly the best piece of advice I can give to younger girls trying to figure life out is to completely ignore men. I'm not being quirky or cute when I say that, I mean it seriously. Ignore men's judgments of you, ignore their insincere
compliments, ignore their half-assed romance. Focus on developing yourself. Practice your art, play sports, do theater, volunteer, spend time with your friends, but do not put substantial effort into pleasing men. They'll be there for you to pursue when the time comes and if you want to. But nothing will waste your youth
more than fighting for male acceptance."

[Anonymous]

Shoot for the stars.
Be in a position to support yourself - anything can happen.
I would never tell a daughter to lower their ambition to plan for motherhood- jeez.
For my working extra hard in my 20s gave me a level of flex I would’ve never had.

[Anonymous]

Exact same as my boys.
Study hard. Pick a good major (in the intersection of interests, skills, and pays the bills).
Get internships that lead to a good job in your 20s.
Worry about balancing work and family later. You have a lot more choices if you are educated and employed in a good field. So many big companies offer flexible work arrangements these days and know not to lose their talented working moms. Bad for business.
As Sheryl Sandburg said “Don’t “leave” before you leave.
-Executive mom of 4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As we start to look at colleges and majors and future careers, I'm at a loss on how to advise my girls on this. I was a teacher who then SAH a long time and then went back. This worked out for us due to my husband's income, but he doesn't really like his job (lawyer) and I can't really recommend teaching honestly. Both my girls know they want to be mothers, but also want to have careers. One in particular is considering med school but is definitely undecided.

How are you talking to your daughters about what they should consider for the future. I'm thinking in terms of work-life balance, monetary and non-monetary contributions to household from both spouses, childcare, etc. I honestly just don't even know how to advise them. I have never bought into the "have it all" notion, which is why I chose to SAH with a spouse whose career was demanding and a non-flexible teaching schedule. What is the ideal for working motherhood going forward?

Does that make any sense?

Do your dds have any interest or strong skill? Why would you encourage them to do something because it is better for potential motherhood/ marriage when that may not happen? Why not encourage them on a fulfilling job that they want to do? Would you tell your son to be a something that they hate because it has better hours? No! You would encourage them to be the best they can.

[Anonymous]

I will tell my DD that female fertility declines quickly, unlike male fertility. Women have a very different biological clock and they have to pay attention to it and make a conscious decision about what kind of life they want to pursue - family first or achievements first.
Women have to make decisions that men can delay - whether they want marriage and children. I’ve known too many women who focused solely on career only to realize that time ran out on their dream of a family. They always thought there would be time for that later.

[Anonymous]

Your partner in life is so important. Don't just marry because everyone else is. Make sure this is a true best friend and you have discussed things like how kids, family, finances, work, etc will work. If a woman wants to to be a career superstar I also think she needs to consider the idea of a spouse who is a low earner, part-time working or stay at home rather than snub it. There is value in someone being at home more to deal with making meals, helping kids with homework, hosting playdates, going to docor's appointments, waiting for contractors, etc.

A friend of mine's whole therapy practice is 2 superstar couples and when life happens like a child with special needs, an ill family member, house falling apart or whatever the arguing is endless about who will make what sacrifices even if they had mastered the basics before the life changer. In one case they just decided to ship the kids off to boarding school ?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your partner in life is so important. Don't just marry because everyone else is. Make sure this is a true best friend and you have discussed things like how kids, family, finances, work, etc will work. If a woman wants to to be a career superstar I also think she needs to consider the idea of a spouse who is a low earner, part-time working or stay at home rather than snub it. There is value in someone being at home more to deal with making meals, helping kids with homework, hosting playdates, going to docor's appointments, waiting for contractors, etc.

A friend of mine's whole therapy practice is 2 superstar couples and when life happens like a child with special needs, an ill family member, house falling apart or whatever the arguing is endless about who will make what sacrifices even if they had mastered the basics before the life changer. In one case they just decided to ship the kids off to boarding school ?!

All of this. One of the most important things I did was marry a man that cares tremendously about supporting my career. He has always owned his own business and the reality is he is his own boss. So he dealt with more doctor’s appointments, nanny is sick, etc type stuff. I went to Asia and back three times in 2 months and he just rolled with it. The reality is that I now make a lot more than him because of his support, but I fully appreciate that I would never have gotten there without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your partner in life is so important. Don't just marry because everyone else is. Make sure this is a true best friend and you have discussed things like how kids, family, finances, work, etc will work. If a woman wants to to be a career superstar I also think she needs to consider the idea of a spouse who is a low earner, part-time working or stay at home rather than snub it. There is value in someone being at home more to deal with making meals, helping kids with homework, hosting playdates, going to docor's appointments, waiting for contractors, etc.

A friend of mine's whole therapy practice is 2 superstar couples and when life happens like a child with special needs, an ill family member, house falling apart or whatever the arguing is endless about who will make what sacrifices even if they had mastered the basics before the life changer. In one case they just decided to ship the kids off to boarding school ?!

Or...you can be a career superstar and marry a career superstar and have family help/nanny/etc deal with making meals, kids homework, playdates, etc. There are lots of different options out there. Just go after what you want. Same with fertility. Adoption is an option. Don't constrain your life before you need to, just to keep options open that you may not even care about. Sit down and think about what *you* want in life, and then go after it.