AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My mom cannot take PTO. Her parents are (thankfully!) still both alive and in their 90s so she uses/saves all her PTO taking them to doctors appts and caring for them. 2/3 of our regular sitters are full time nannies and I feel weird about asking them to leave their full time families in a childcare lurch for the day. The other one is in both grad school and works during the day.

But you're right- I'm pretty indifferent about going in general just because the amount of mental work, logistical planning, and money (wedding gift, 4hr drive, sitter @ $25hr, possible hotel room) just doesn't feel worth it to me.

This is why I haaate "can't your mom help?" My mom is up to HERE with caregiving for adults. Poor sandwich generation grandmas!

Yeah, the default assumption that all parents have grandparents who are able in willing to jump at the chance to babysit bother me. In my case, I'm the sandwich generation. My mom is 78 and wouldn't be able to watch a toddler by herself for 24 hours -- same with my dad and ILs.

And just because you are a competent mom of two doesn’t mean you are equipped to handle an overnight with twice the number of kids!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like SIL’s marathon is out of town, and your SIL and BIL had planned for you or some other unwitting relative to watch their kids all along without your/their consent? Because why else would BIL fly with his 2 kids?

[Anonymous]

Bride and groom likely could only afford their desired wedding venue if they got the cheap time on a Friday afternoon. Not your problem. Neither is BIL’s childcare. Can’t SIL’s parents or regular babysitter stay with their kids at their house while she runs her marathon? I mean, they expect your mom to drop everything to babysit.

[Anonymous]

A normal sitter would have a rough time with 4 young kids. My kids are older now but I remember what a nightmare it was for bedtime at ages 1 and 3. Dh and I would tag team. How does BIL think OP will put his two very young kids to bed while also putting her kids to bed. Has he ever even put his kids to bed alone???

I turned down a lot of weddings wheb my kids were your BIL’s kids ages. Logistics too difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like SIL’s marathon is out of town, and your SIL and BIL had planned for you or some other unwitting relative to watch their kids all along without your/their consent? Because why else would BIL fly with his 2 kids?

I read it as he was planning on splitting the cost of an on site sitter with his brother’s kids, but OP and her husband don’t feel comfortable with that idea (I wouldn’t either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A normal sitter would have a rough time with 4 young kids. My kids are older now but I remember what a nightmare it was for bedtime at ages 1 and 3. Dh and I would tag team. How does BIL think OP will put his two very young kids to bed while also putting her kids to bed. Has he ever even put his kids to bed alone???

I turned down a lot of weddings wheb my kids were your BIL’s kids ages. Logistics too difficult.

In fairness this was MIL’s suggestion not BIL’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh's cousin is getting married at 3pm on a Friday two hours away from home so we'd have to leave by noon at the latest if we went. Our kids are 5 and 2. On Fridays, our older one gets out of school at 3pm and our little one only has a half day of daycare til 12:30 then comes home for nap. DH's whole family will be at the wedding obviously so they can't watch the kids, my mom still works full time, and our 3 regular sitters also work full time. We are going on a vacation two weeks before the wedding and don't really have extra PTO to burn either.

For some reason this has spiraled into a huge family issue. DH's brother called last night and said that he is planning on coming in to town for the wedding with his 3yo and 1yo because his wife has a marathon that weekend and asked if whoever is watching our kids can watch his too. We said we weren't planning on going because we don't have anyone to watch the kids. Then he suggests that we split an AirBnb near the wedding (in the middle of literal nowhere) and "find a local babysitter" to watch all 4 kids. Then was annoyed when we said we weren't leaving our kids in a strange house with a strange person. Finally, MIL calls and suggests that she, FIL, DH, and BIL just go to the wedding as a family and I take the day off work and have all 4 kids (1, 2, 3, and 5yo) by myself overnight.

I'm perfectly happy with DH going to the wedding alone and staying home with my kids, but I don't have a PTO day to take and just really don't want the 4 little kids alone for the night. AITA?

He’ll no. Do not take PTO and have your husband be abundantly clear with your MIL that she should NEVER assume to schedule you or DHs PTO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My mom cannot take PTO. Her parents are (thankfully!) still both alive and in their 90s so she uses/saves all her PTO taking them to doctors appts and caring for them. 2/3 of our regular sitters are full time nannies and I feel weird about asking them to leave their full time families in a childcare lurch for the day. The other one is in both grad school and works during the day.

But you're right- I'm pretty indifferent about going in general just because the amount of mental work, logistical planning, and money (wedding gift, 4hr drive, sitter @ $25hr, possible hotel room) just doesn't feel worth it to me.

This is why I haaate "can't your mom help?" My mom is up to HERE with caregiving for adults. Poor sandwich generation grandmas!

Yeah, the default assumption that all parents have grandparents who are able in willing to jump at the chance to babysit bother me. In my case, I'm the sandwich generation. My mom is 78 and wouldn't be able to watch a toddler by herself for 24 hours -- same with my dad and ILs.

It's not a default assumption here. OP specifically listed her mom as one of the only people she would consider leaving her kids with in her first post.

[Anonymous]

Hahaha at MIL

Your DH should just say no, that is not happening. DH will go to the wedding while OP stays home with just their kids.

BIL and MIL can come up with another solution for BIL’s kids like maybe SIL cancel her marathon or BIL asks his in laws to watch their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh's cousin is getting married at 3pm on a Friday two hours away from home so we'd have to leave by noon at the latest if we went. Our kids are 5 and 2. On Fridays, our older one gets out of school at 3pm and our little one only has a half day of daycare til 12:30 then comes home for nap....

I'm perfectly happy with DH going to the wedding alone and staying home with my kids, but I don't have a PTO day to take and just really don't want the 4 little kids alone for the night. AITA?

2 hour drive for a 3 pm Friday wedding. No PTO so on a normal Friday the OP would be picking 1 up at 12:30-down for a nap- then picking up the other at 3. OP works from home about 4 hours Friday pm. The BIL wife can skip her recreational marathon to deal with her kids. No reason for OP lose PTO to do a marathon babysit. One marathon has to go and it's not the horrid inlaws choice of the babysitting.

Let the inlaws + that dad rotate babysitting those 2 kids. Not your problem OP so stay put and let the DH go- he can drive 2 and return 2 hours same day solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH goes alone. You stay home.

This and if BIL w at a his kids to stay with you- he hires a sitter who can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like SIL’s marathon is out of town, and your SIL and BIL had planned for you or some other unwitting relative to watch their kids all along without your/their consent? Because why else would BIL fly with his 2 kids?

I read it as he was planning on splitting the cost of an on site sitter with his brother’s kids, but OP and her husband don’t feel comfortable with that idea (I wouldn’t either).

Oic, yes it does sound like this is the case. He shouldn’t assume the OP will go along with this bad plan.

[Anonymous]

"BIL, you and SIL will have to come up with your own childcare arrangements. I can't take 4 kids that Friday."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell gets married at 3 pm on a Friday and gets mad if people aren't able to attend??? I'd send DH by himself. I'm probably in the minority, but I'd offer to help with the cousins. It's just one night.

Even a highly skilled nanny would not take this on. This is the stuff of nightmares.

It's 4 kids, two of them are her own. I don't see how two extra kids for the night is a nightmare, unless the cousins are absolute terrors who don't sleep at night. I used to be a nanny and weekend babysitter and there were many times I watched 4 young kids.

[Anonymous]

I would to take all 4 kids- but...it's clear you don't want to go to this wedding and the childcare is an excuse. You could find someone and even take someone with you- get references from your regular sitters, other family, etc. I think you should own that you just don't want to bother.