For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Most married people don’t get overnight trips away from their kids together. It’s just not normal.

2. You aren’t hearing the down side to the “my parents are around all the time” setup, so don’t imagine it’s all peachy. There are good and bad parts, like anything. But you seem to be envisioning only the good parts of another setup and noticing only the bad parts of yours.

This. My parents are around all the time and are helpful, but I pay emotionally and mentally for the 5-6 nights a year my kids spend the night at their house and the other help they provide. My parents will provide almost any help I need, but they will not suggest or plan anything on their own. My mom has mobility issues and dietary restrictions, yet she will not research or call or plan anything. She will just say “let’s have brunch” and if I ask where she says “oh, you pick” It’s that way for everything. They come to every sporting event or school performance and my kids love it - but my parents are visibly annoyed when I talk to my friends and socialize part of the time instead of sitting with them. Sometimes I long for the freedom to just worry about my spouse and children and not have to plan for 2 extra adults at all times. I love them, but they are retired and I work full time and yet they never acknowledge or seem to understand how much work they make for me - even when I ask for the tiniest bit of help like a list of potential restaurants for a vacation I plan and pay for that they join us on annually.

PP, if your parents' help isn't worth it for you, why not just decline it? You don't have to let your kids stay with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who's kids have a standing "date" with her parents every week. Every single week, they drop the 2 kids off and pick them up the next day. I would kill for that! So I get the jealousy.

Yea this is the dream but it’s really not that common. I don’t really have any advice other than you get get thru it and this too shall pass. Now I have teens and I’m dreading the empty nest.

pp here. Definitely is the dream! They are totally the unicorn family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We never had parental help, because ours are in Europe. Our circle is made up of internationals like us and Americans who for various reasons (aging parents, distance, family tension), also don't receive parental help.

Now all our kids are teens, I don't recall anyone complaining about this. It's the norm for most people we know. People pay for babysitting or forgo the dates. Since we didn't have a lot of money when our kids were little, we did not go on date night. We've always celebrated our anniversary with our kids - after all, that's why we got married, to have them! And we've always traveled with them, because they're cute and fun to have around.

Sorry, but I can't relate, OP.

ZERO help, I was shocked bc my parents are very loving. No resentment but a constant wonder of why they just don't see the helping hand that they could offer. Absolutely went through a period eariler where I felt resentment but then I've just sort of accepted it. IT SUCKS. The one time my children both went to a birthday party was the first and only time DH and I ever have had alone. It was very freeing for a short moment in time, those with help definitely get to feel this momentary freedom more often.

[Anonymous]

We don't have any family nearby and only one living grandparent, who's in her 80s and in poor health.

Here's how we deal with it: found a really good in-home daycare and nurtured a wonderful relationship with the women working there, all of whom (apart from the owner) have babysat for us. The kids love them, and they spoil the kids. We call one of the women the kids' bonus grandma.

When the kids grew out of the daycare ages, we got au pairs.

We make it work. Seething with jealousy is unhealthy and I agree with pp that you need an attitude reset.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to ask whether you’ve ever considered having them watch your kid after bedtime? My in-laws aren’t capable of real babysitting, but when they come visit, we put our toddler to bed and then go to dinner at 7:30. Our kid is a good sleeper and almost never wakes up after bedtime, which I recognize isn’t true of all toddlers, but just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

What??? “My family is perfect and everyone else waited too long to have kids” is so profoundly unhelpful and smug.

[Anonymous]

We just made it work, no family help, no babysitters outside a neighbor for a rare emergency (a few times). My family lives close by but they have no interest in our child and rarely see them.

Once kids hit ES, one parent worked at home, other parent SAH so we'd do lunch dates and be creative. Taught kids to behave at restaurants and went early. Brought toys/electronics/books depending on age. When they went through spurts we'd do carry out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

This is really not helpful to the OP.

[Anonymous]

My neighbors had so much help from their parents when our kids were younger. Grandma picked the kids up every morning and grandpa got them off the bus and into the house each afternoon. We had zero help from family and DH was really picky about sitters. I understand how you feel.

We both did four 10s so we could have a day off together each week. One day per month was for us to be solo and do what we wanted by ourselves. The other three where date days.

We love movies so we built a home theater and spent weekend evenings watching movies when the kids were in bed.

We also did drive in movies. The first show is usually kid friendly then they would fall asleep and we could watch an adult movie.

Get help in other areas. I had someone cook four meals per week, had cleaners, and sent out laundry on occasion.

Have a tradition were grandparents come. We picked grandparents day at school. While our kids didn't get a lot of visits from grandparents, the annual trip to school and staying the weekend made great memories.

You will get through this. The years are short and I can't believe I have an independent teenager who helps around the house and watches the younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were able to help out the first few years, but they a) live out of state and b) have had health issues recently. So we are now in the camp of not being able to get away on our own. Recently, friends of ours who got married around the same time as us just went on a 2 week international trip for their 10 year anniversary whereas DH and I got a sitter to go out for a nice dinner locally.

It is what it is, but I do feel like people parenting with lots of family help are doing so on the “easy” setting. And I know plenty of people with genuinely helpful parents who don’t cause drama, so anyone claiming it always/often comes with drawbacks is just deluding themselves. DH and I know we have it harder than other parents (including having a special needs kid). We have just come to accept it, and honestly I’m pretty proud of how we always make the best of things and get through it together. Whereas some couples seem to fall apart at the smallest hardship.

What helps — realizing that kids get easier as they get older. Also, resorts with kids clubs are great once your kids are like 3-4 y/o +. Or bringing a sitter/nanny on vacation with you. You have a 1 year old which isn’t much fun for travel, but it won’t be like this forever.

Girls’ trip and guys’ trips. DH and I make sure to plan long weekends away with our friends so we each get some breaks throughout the year.

Also, being grateful for what we have. Our kids have 4 loving grandparents in their lives who try to visit when they can. Not everyone has living parents who show an interest in their children’s lives.

Money and/or flexibility at work. It sounds like you both work, so try to prioritize money to outsource or flexibility to handle things since you’re doing it on your own.

Exercise. I’ve found I’m happier when I take the time to work out a few times per week. I still feel like “me” getting this time away and I’m more energized for my kids.

+1

We're in a similar situation. Our kids are now 4 and 7 and it's easier to travel and find sitters. We definitely budget for sitters when we travel so DH and I can at least have a couple of nights out. FB groups like Club Bebe Voyage and Tiny Globetrotters are really helpful for suggestions for nanny services. We also focus on hotels or resorts that offer kids clubs and babysitting services. Recently we went to Europe and had two date nights and brunch through using the kids club and babysitters.

I would also focus on building your village and friendships. It's not for everyone but we do like traveling with friends because it helps spread out the childcare duties and our kids are more entertained.

Day dates are great. My DH and I also do girl and guys weekends. One thing I am grateful for is a husband who can handle our kids alone for several days. I know families where the husband has never done an overnight by himself because a grandparent will always step in. My kids have special memories of just having daddy time when I've been away for a weekend.

I also appreciate the fact that with paid childcare I have more control over routine, foods, screentime l, etc. It's hard to tell grandparents what to do when you arent paying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

DP here.
Curious who is to be blamed for this? You, your kids or your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

DP here.
Curious who is to be blamed for this? You, your kids or your parents?

Us too. My parents will not do anything to help, even when I was hospitalized for a week. So, we just stopped asking or needing them. I stayed local to care for them but after how they've treated us over the years, they are on their own. Let my sibling do it who is the POA.

At 60 you are extremely wealthy to retire early.

My parents are 100% to blame.

[Anonymous]

I’m

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

What do you think you’ve done wrong and made them uninterested? Are you one of those parents who insist that the grandparents parent the grandkids the same exact way that you do? Do you complaint that they’re too lenient, let them eat too much junk, etc.? Were you difficult growing up and as a young adult yourself? Did you ignore your parents until you had you been own children and needed help?

There’s always two sides to every story