Reply to DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

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[quote=Anonymous]I love you

I’m proud of you

I am here if you need me

You can’t say these things too often.

Also, once they start college, respect that it is their home. And you are their visitor. You hate the bedspread, their clothing is a disorganized mess, somethings smells funky and they won’t use the cute coffee cart. That’s fine. It’s their home. Don’t criticize it. Don’t criticize their friends, their roommate, their haircut or their college’s new policy on whatever. 
 Find a few things you like, and can make genuinely positive comments about. The campus is so pretty when the leaves change.  Your dorm room gets such great sunlight. Whatever.

Approach planning a visit from the angle of: we’d like to come see you— does one of these two weekends work?  rather than just informing them when you are coming.  Respect a no— I have midterms that week/ a big social event, whatever, and ask when would be better.  My mother recently called me to complain that my DD could not visit during the specific two hour period she was passing by the school on a weekday because DD has a class, followed by orchestra rehearsal and could I please talk to said child and make her skip these to gisit?  Ummm….no.  Respect she’s at college to attend class and that orchestra is important to her and change your plans to accommodate that. Or say (without guilting her) that you understand, are sorry to miss her, and will try again next time. Do not be my mother and expect your kid to drop everything because you decide to show up.

Ask how much time they have available for a visit, and respect their time limits. They have homework, friends and plans that don’t involve you. Take the 3 hours they give willingly and really enjoy them over 8 that you force or guilt out of them.

Meet them where they are. A nice walk, a manicure, the coffee shop— those may be your things to do with friends.  Don’t demand your kid do them. Instead, do their things. One of my kid loves thrift shops. Not my thing, and I really flew here for a weekend to spend the 4 hours we have together at Goodwill? Runs through my head.  Yep. Because that’s their thing.

If they can’t come home for a break or holiday, tell they you will miss them but you understand. Resist the urge to play the guilt card. When they do come home, tell them that you are so happy they love college, and it is exactly where they should be, but you’re happy they made it home because they make the house is always a bit brighter.

And make home a place they want to be.  One kid immediately wants “decent Indian” and one misses Mellow Mushroom. So those meals happen.  Both have found study spaces in the house that work for them, and we respect their space and need for quiet.

You get the point. I don’t happen to think you get far with “spend time on my terms or I won’t pay”.  You just get a kid who is gone for good the second they have financial freedom. Instead, respect their time and space, and preferences, just as you would any friend you visited.  And reserve criticisms for really important issues like not following up with a doctor on a health issue or academic probation.

OP— the “I parent, you listen” phase of your relationship is ending. Or over. Accept that and work on building more of an adult relationship. And remember, no good relationship is built overnight. It’s one visit, one thoughtful care package, one funny text of the dog at a time. And that you will get better long term results asking and respecting the answer than demanding. [/quote]

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