Husband won't take the kids swimming of even go with us.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He sounds pretty bad at parenting. What *is* he bringing to the table?

Swimming is non-negotiable for me. Maybe offer your husband to do all the housework and bedtime on days you do swimming?

He also doesn't like housework and I would have to nag the hell out of him to get ANYTHING done. He only cooks eggs one style, and the kids do not like eggs. I am so resentful and tired.

So what’s keeping you in this marriage?

I wonder that sometimes. Dh makes a lot more money. Who has a single parent swim membership but is married? Me. I'm tired of doing all the activities solo. It's not fair he can sit on his ass while I am out with the kids multiple times a week.

Take the lot more money and give it to a nanny. Problem solved. Add a 15% constulting fee for yourself if he doesn't want to set up the nanny.

Does you husband want the kids? Does he want a relationship with the kids? Does he want a relationship with you?


If he wants you but not the kids, or not do the work for the kids, let him pay to get away from the kids. It's OK. No need to resent that.
Tell kids dad provide for them, let them fill in the blanks.

Only here is a nanny suggested. This is op. We don't have enough money to employ nannies.

You said he makes a lot more money than you.

That's because op is making this all up, and people are falling for it.

He does, but I didn't give a baseline.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does your DH handle ANY unpleasant tasks? Could he have a similar gripe about you? Something to think about. I’m sure you are not perfect.

Taking non swimmers (especially more than one) to the pool is no fun. Never was for me. As a family, go stay at a hotel or vrbo with a pool, and get the 7yo swimming confidently at least. Both you and DH, together. Likely he will be more inclined to assist on a vacation as opposed to a crowded pool full of neighbors. Lessons year round for both kids. Next summer work on your 4yo as above. YES you still need to watch like a hawk but you will be well on your way to having a far more pleasant time at the pool.

This is op. He wouldn't swim even on our beach vacation in the swimming pool. He sucks all the joy out of my life. I have been working on swimming for years with our 7-year-old. He loves water play but is very scared to emerge his face in the water for more than a few seconds. We do lessons, but of course, I need to drive them. All the unpleasant is on me. If I didn't do it, I would be in zero activities. It's a lot of pressure on me. I feel like I am a single mom sometimes. I'm always the only solo parent. I feel like this, even on vacations. I took the kids to see the fireworks on the fourth alone!! Who dies when they are married?

Ugh. I’m so sorry OP. I’m of the opinion that parents can not enjoy a certain task/activity (for example I hate playing board games with my kids - DH does it) and can skip things once in awhile but sounds like your DH won’t do ANY activities of any kind , ever. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Out of curiosity what IS he doing during these times? Like during fireworks? Or all afternoon while you are at the pool? Watching tv or something?

I׳’m wondering this too. It’s unusual not to go see the fireworks with the family.

Eh, I know of people who don’t care for fireworks and never go.

It isn’t about what he “cares for.” It’s doing things as a family, including holidays, that the kids he chose to have want to do with their FAMILY, not just their mom while their dad sits at home on his butt.

Op here. Yes, this. It's selfish to always do only what you like. We have kids, and there's also me, his wife. If something is important to the other person, you should try to compromise. He may be mildly autistic. I'm just so drained and since he has the kids watching tv ALL DAY while I work a nontraditional schedule, I feel guilty and want to bring the kids out when I come home from work. I'd rather sit on the sofa. I also always come home to a sink full of dishes and food all over the floor. And yes, I have asked him a million times to do these chores so I am not stressed when I get home. Does he do them? Rarey. I prepare all their food while I am away because he won't cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he autistic? It sounds like he might be.

Sigh. Nope, it really doesn't sound like that. Do better.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH handle ANY unpleasant tasks? Could he have a similar gripe about you? Something to think about. I’m sure you are not perfect.

Taking non swimmers (especially more than one) to the pool is no fun. Never was for me. As a family, go stay at a hotel or vrbo with a pool, and get the 7yo swimming confidently at least. Both you and DH, together. Likely he will be more inclined to assist on a vacation as opposed to a crowded pool full of neighbors. Lessons year round for both kids. Next summer work on your 4yo as above. YES you still need to watch like a hawk but you will be well on your way to having a far more pleasant time at the pool.

This is op. He wouldn't swim even on our beach vacation in the swimming pool. He sucks all the joy out of my life. I have been working on swimming for years with our 7-year-old. He loves water play but is very scared to emerge his face in the water for more than a few seconds. We do lessons, but of course, I need to drive them. All the unpleasant is on me. If I didn't do it, I would be in zero activities. It's a lot of pressure on me. I feel like I am a single mom sometimes. I'm always the only solo parent. I feel like this, even on vacations. I took the kids to see the fireworks on the fourth alone!! Who dies when they are married?

Ugh. I’m so sorry OP. I’m of the opinion that parents can not enjoy a certain task/activity (for example I hate playing board games with my kids - DH does it) and can skip things once in awhile but sounds like your DH won’t do ANY activities of any kind , ever. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Out of curiosity what IS he doing during these times? Like during fireworks? Or all afternoon while you are at the pool? Watching tv or something?

I׳’m wondering this too. It’s unusual not to go see the fireworks with the family.

Eh, I know of people who don’t care for fireworks and never go.

It isn’t about what he “cares for.” It’s doing things as a family, including holidays, that the kids he chose to have want to do with their FAMILY, not just their mom while their dad sits at home on his butt.

Op here. Yes, this. It's selfish to always do only what you like. We have kids, and there's also me, his wife. If something is important to the other person, you should try to compromise. He may be mildly autistic. I'm just so drained and since he has the kids watching tv ALL DAY while I work a nontraditional schedule, I feel guilty and want to bring the kids out when I come home from work. I'd rather sit on the sofa. I also always come home to a sink full of dishes and food all over the floor. And yes, I have asked him a million times to do these chores so I am not stressed when I get home. Does he do them? Rarey. I prepare all their food while I am away because he won't cook.

Okay, he’s immature and a crappy partner. We get it. So how can we (DCUM) help?

[Anonymous]

I am like your husband. I know how to swim but don’t like it that much and I am not particulary refined in it, I take a medication that makes me feel miserable in the heat, I never shed away the extra tummy weight after pregnancies (and our pool is full of perfect bodies) and I hate all the pre and post work involved with going to the pool.
I bring kids regularly at the swim classes but Iam really dreading the summer pool days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids sound very young. Things may change as they get older.

I did most of the swimming/swimming lessons etc when the kids were small. I didn’t mind, really. We usually met up with friends. Now that they are older, DH takes them to their sports most of the time, and likes hanging out with all the dads.

You can each have separate parenting “areas”- most things do not require 2 parents.

Maybe he can find something else to do with them, so that you get a break as well? When mine were very small, DH always took mine to the park/playground and for ice cream after. Usually took up a few hours.

Ditto. I used to be resentful that I did all of the early morning practices and games while DH got to sleep in. But I also knew I was a morning person so it was less stressful for me. Fast forward, our kids are teenagers. Now my DH does the late night pickups since I go to bed much earlier. Parenting is compromise and if you both go into that way things generally even out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH handle ANY unpleasant tasks? Could he have a similar gripe about you? Something to think about. I’m sure you are not perfect.

Taking non swimmers (especially more than one) to the pool is no fun. Never was for me. As a family, go stay at a hotel or vrbo with a pool, and get the 7yo swimming confidently at least. Both you and DH, together. Likely he will be more inclined to assist on a vacation as opposed to a crowded pool full of neighbors. Lessons year round for both kids. Next summer work on your 4yo as above. YES you still need to watch like a hawk but you will be well on your way to having a far more pleasant time at the pool.

This is op. He wouldn't swim even on our beach vacation in the swimming pool. He sucks all the joy out of my life. I have been working on swimming for years with our 7-year-old. He loves water play but is very scared to emerge his face in the water for more than a few seconds. We do lessons, but of course, I need to drive them. All the unpleasant is on me. If I didn't do it, I would be in zero activities. It's a lot of pressure on me. I feel like I am a single mom sometimes. I'm always the only solo parent. I feel like this, even on vacations. I took the kids to see the fireworks on the fourth alone!! Who dies when they are married?

Ugh. I’m so sorry OP. I’m of the opinion that parents can not enjoy a certain task/activity (for example I hate playing board games with my kids - DH does it) and can skip things once in awhile but sounds like your DH won’t do ANY activities of any kind , ever. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Out of curiosity what IS he doing during these times? Like during fireworks? Or all afternoon while you are at the pool? Watching tv or something?

I׳’m wondering this too. It’s unusual not to go see the fireworks with the family.

Eh, I know of people who don’t care for fireworks and never go.

It isn’t about what he “cares for.” It’s doing things as a family, including holidays, that the kids he chose to have want to do with their FAMILY, not just their mom while their dad sits at home on his butt.

Op here. Yes, this. It's selfish to always do only what you like. We have kids, and there's also me, his wife. If something is important to the other person, you should try to compromise. He may be mildly autistic. I'm just so drained and since he has the kids watching tv ALL DAY while I work a nontraditional schedule, I feel guilty and want to bring the kids out when I come home from work. I'd rather sit on the sofa. I also always come home to a sink full of dishes and food all over the floor. And yes, I have asked him a million times to do these chores so I am not stressed when I get home. Does he do them? Rarey. I prepare all their food while I am away because he won't cook.

Am I reading correctly that you have two kids, 3 and 7, you each work and yet you have no childcare? This would be a big reason you are both miserable. Change the dynamic so you both have more energy when you are with the kids.

Have you addressed the real problem with your husband? He is not coping with life, he is a workaholic and has disengaged completely. I suspect not since this post was focused on swimming.

Try to be less rigid in your ideas of what the kids need and what good parents do. They are making a bad problem worse.

You both need individual therapy and therapy together since you do not communicate at all. It is worth a try because even if you divorce, it will go better if you are emotionally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Forget the pool club until they’re old enough to swim without you being in the water. Put them in lessons.

[Anonymous]

My God OP is awful. I pity her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH handle ANY unpleasant tasks? Could he have a similar gripe about you? Something to think about. I’m sure you are not perfect.

Taking non swimmers (especially more than one) to the pool is no fun. Never was for me. As a family, go stay at a hotel or vrbo with a pool, and get the 7yo swimming confidently at least. Both you and DH, together. Likely he will be more inclined to assist on a vacation as opposed to a crowded pool full of neighbors. Lessons year round for both kids. Next summer work on your 4yo as above. YES you still need to watch like a hawk but you will be well on your way to having a far more pleasant time at the pool.

This is op. He wouldn't swim even on our beach vacation in the swimming pool. He sucks all the joy out of my life. I have been working on swimming for years with our 7-year-old. He loves water play but is very scared to emerge his face in the water for more than a few seconds. We do lessons, but of course, I need to drive them. All the unpleasant is on me. If I didn't do it, I would be in zero activities. It's a lot of pressure on me. I feel like I am a single mom sometimes. I'm always the only solo parent. I feel like this, even on vacations. I took the kids to see the fireworks on the fourth alone!! Who dies when they are married?

Ugh. I’m so sorry OP. I’m of the opinion that parents can not enjoy a certain task/activity (for example I hate playing board games with my kids - DH does it) and can skip things once in awhile but sounds like your DH won’t do ANY activities of any kind , ever. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Out of curiosity what IS he doing during these times? Like during fireworks? Or all afternoon while you are at the pool? Watching tv or something?

I׳’m wondering this too. It’s unusual not to go see the fireworks with the family.

Op here. This has been my norm for so long. The oldest was born when he was toward the end of a stem Ph.D. It was my norm to do things alone because he was busy. Our oldest is 7. I think he has anxiety and can't stop working. On the fourth, he worked at home while we went to the fireworks. He couldn't spare a few hours even though it was a PTO day. When the oldest was born, he left the hospital to work even though he could have called off work. My friend came to stay and was shocked he left. I had an emergency c section and the baby was in the NICU. He doesn't value outings. I get not wanting to go out all the time, but mostly every suggestion gets shut down, or he's whiny and wants to leave shortly after arriving. That's why I said he sucks the joy. He also tries to give me a bedtime. He sleeps super early so we never have alone time either. I can't remember the last time we watched tv together. He always finds something wrong with whatever tv show I want to watch.

He left his newborn in the hospital to go to work, and you still figured out how to have a second child with him.

He’s telling you over and over that he’s a miserable person and at best a lazy parent. What, pray tell, is getting in the way of you just ending this marriage?

Please don’t say that he’ll have the kids half-time because he won’t take that.

Do you just like being a victim who doesn’t deserve a great life, or are you ready to take control and create your own happiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds pretty bad at parenting. What *is* he bringing to the table?

Swimming is non-negotiable for me. Maybe offer your husband to do all the housework and bedtime on days you do swimming?

He also doesn't like housework and I would have to nag the hell out of him to get ANYTHING done. He only cooks eggs one style, and the kids do not like eggs. I am so resentful and tired.

So what’s keeping you in this marriage?

I wonder that sometimes. Dh makes a lot more money. Who has a single parent swim membership but is married? Me. I'm tired of doing all the activities solo. It's not fair he can sit on his ass while I am out with the kids multiple times a week.

So your husband makes the money and provides for the family. That means it’s your job to raise the kids and support your husband. What part of this don’t you understand?

She said he makes "more money", not all the money. Her job is her actual job, as well as being a parent, which is his job too.

[Anonymous]

There are so many people who need to be actively taught how to take on the perspective of others. It is shockingly common for people to genuinely believe that everyone sees the world exactly as they do, so they don't see anything else and don't need to change a thing. They may not notice, for example, when others are hurt or need help, and don't understand when they are told someone is hurt or needs help, especially if they themselves don't feel that way about the situation. It just does not compute.

If we were talking about a child, I would suggest playing games like Backseat Drawing, but I'm betting OP's husband wouldn't join in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many people who need to be actively taught how to take on the perspective of others. It is shockingly common for people to genuinely believe that everyone sees the world exactly as they do, so they don't see anything else and don't need to change a thing. They may not notice, for example, when others are hurt or need help, and don't understand when they are told someone is hurt or needs help, especially if they themselves don't feel that way about the situation. It just does not compute.

If we were talking about a child, I would suggest playing games like Backseat Drawing, but I'm betting OP's husband wouldn't join in.

Thank you. I will look into that. Sh definitely has something that blocks him. We have been in therapy and I know she was getting annoyed at treating basic stuff like how to compromise. I wanted to install a sliding mirror in our guest room to exercise or see my whole body when I was getting ready. He was totally against it and called me high maintenance. It's a mirror you don't have to use daily for it to be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds pretty bad at parenting. What *is* he bringing to the table?

Swimming is non-negotiable for me. Maybe offer your husband to do all the housework and bedtime on days you do swimming?

He also doesn't like housework and I would have to nag the hell out of him to get ANYTHING done. He only cooks eggs one style, and the kids do not like eggs. I am so resentful and tired.

So what’s keeping you in this marriage?

I wonder that sometimes. Dh makes a lot more money. Who has a single parent swim membership but is married? Me. I'm tired of doing all the activities solo. It's not fair he can sit on his ass while I am out with the kids multiple times a week.

So your husband makes the money and provides for the family. That means it’s your job to raise the kids and support your husband. What part of this don’t you understand?

She said he makes "more money", not all the money. Her job is her actual job, as well as being a parent, which is his job too.

Go back and reread. She said "lot more money".

Even $1/hr could hire a nanny one afternoon a week.

[Anonymous]

My ex was the same. Now that they are a little older he will take them swimming except only at his mom's where others can get in with them, or with his girlfriend. They say he doesn't get in the water. Oh well, at least the girlfriend is playing with them.

I dropped my resentment for the most part and just try my best to enjoy swimming with them. If that means we only go for half an hour, so be it. I like making the memories with them, I pay for a pool anyways at my apartment, and swimming is important.