Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Mother of the year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

If the wife has your full name from Facebook, and has threatened to call your husband, she knows where you live.

She’s probably already done a deep dive into who you are and everything about you. Facebook!? She knows where you work, your kids names and where they go to school, and has probably gone through all of your family pictures. That, and she is probably forcing her husband to tell her all of the details about your relationship, where you normally meet, how you met, etc.

If she is threatened, she will not move into your neighborhood. And if she does, you can guarantee at some point she’s gonna run into your husband either on accident or on purpose.


If this story is true, you are doomed.

She knows my husband. They actually graduated from high school together. She told me, “walk away & fix your marriage to avoid putting (husband’s name) through the hell I’m going through.”

Yes. Fix your situation, which is the cause of your current angst. This may not mean fixing your marriage, though.

As a guy who has been in your DH’s position, it’s horrible to have to hear that the woman you loved and trusted was cheating on you. But we got through it and are happily married still after many years. A part of me can never trust as fully as I would have, but this is still the life I chose. Your DH may not decide to stay with you, but if you love and respect him at all, you MUST give him that voice and that choice.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am not a troll. I own a home in the neighborhood my ex-AP and his wife are moving into. They are renters. They are moving into the townhome section in my neighborhood. I live in the single family home section. We will be on opposite sides of a large neighborhood in my community.

My husband, ex-AP & ex-AP’s wife went to the same high school. They are all several years older than me. I met ex-AP on social media.

My Facebook was very much private. Deactivated now. My husband doesn’t use social media very much.

Ex-AP’s wife had a brief affair several years ago. Shortly after the affair, ex-ap’s wife found out she was pregnant. There was never a DNA test done on the child, but ex-AP does take care of the child. Ex-AP’s wife denies ever having physical relations with her affair partner. They have had a very rocky marriage to say the least. Part of the message she sent to me acknowledged that.

I am trying my best to feel empathy, but it’s not easy as I’m severely hurting. I feel as if I’ve lost my best friend. I realize I was living in a fantasy, but it’s not easy to let that go. I feel very lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In case OP is not a troll . . .

OP, every one of your posts is ME ME ME ME ME. What about expressing some regret for your shit!y decisions? What about empathy for what you out his wife through, and what you are likely about to inflict on your husband? What about your kids or his? You are so selfish it’s disgusting.

OP is just in some deep, deep affair fog. Hopefully in her “real” life she has more compassion. Right now she is like a drug addict in withdrawal.

This is how I feel. Like I’m in a fog. The only other time I felt this way was when I had PPD.

[Anonymous]

OP let us know if he leaves his wife.

Let us know if they get the child genetically tested.

It appears you are part a perverse revenge plot on the part of your AP.

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight: exAp's wife had someone else's baby and raised it as her husband's. Husband=exAP does not know if the kid is his. Husband=exAP has a series of affairs displacing his anger at this situation. Husband=exAP meets OP. He thinks is in love with her. Tells his dad. Finally tells his wife. Wife of ex-AP freaks out bc they have kids together and how is she going to take care of them plus the kid that is not her DH's? Wow this DH=exAP has a lot on his plate now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not a troll. I own a home in the neighborhood my ex-AP and his wife are moving into. They are renters. They are moving into the townhome section in my neighborhood. I live in the single family home section. We will be on opposite sides of a large neighborhood in my community.

My husband, ex-AP & ex-AP’s wife went to the same high school. They are all several years older than me. I met ex-AP on social media.

My Facebook was very much private. Deactivated now. My husband doesn’t use social media very much.

Ex-AP’s wife had a brief affair several years ago. Shortly after the affair, ex-ap’s wife found out she was pregnant. There was never a DNA test done on the child, but ex-AP does take care of the child. Ex-AP’s wife denies ever having physical relations with her affair partner. They have had a very rocky marriage to say the least. Part of the message she sent to me acknowledged that.

I am trying my best to feel empathy, but it’s not easy as I’m severely hurting. I feel as if I’ve lost my best friend. I realize I was living in a fantasy, but it’s not easy to let that go. I feel very lost.

Yeah, you’re a troll.

I'm the poster who called someone (you?) a Troll Hunter because of this persistence. How are you defining "troll" in this context? If you are defining a troll as a person who makes things up to rile people on the internet up, I don't think this fits. There is no reason to believe that the OP is making anything up other than that you don't think the scenario is plausible. She's definitely posting about a provocative topic, which a minute and a half on the relationship forum would have told her, but a topic being provocative does not automatically make the poster a troll.

No, DP calling OP a troll. Someone who makes up stuff and posts it for a reaction.

If OP is so very broken up about this, why is OP spending hours - hours - posting about it? And the extra little detail each time OP posts? The wife tells her about the state of their marriage?

It’s unbelievable. Not to be believed.

Sometimes I think jsteele posts this stuff to get more ad dollars. People on this forum love a juicy affair story. Lots of posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

No! Do not tell your husband. Take it to the grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's good you have a therapist appointment -- July is actually quite soon; it can be nearly impossible to find a therapist with open appointments these days, so that is a positive. With the therapist, discuss whether/when/how to tell your DH. And as another PP noted rightly: If it comes out, your DH and the AP's wife will absolutely assume you and your now FORMER AP planned this move somehow. That has to be something to cover with the therapist as you decide whether or how to tell DH.

Meanwhile: Distract yourself, OP. You vented here, and that's fine and useful and you seem open to the tough things some are saying, things you do need to hear. But you also need to stop ruminating for now or eventually you WILL break down and text him, etc. If you can take your kids somewhere ASAP for maybe the rest of the week, do it. You're an SAHM, can you go away somewhere? Visit someone? Or the whole family including DH goes away impromptu this coming weekend, somewhere very busy and distracting. Whatever it takes. There really can be value in distraction at times like this. It's not a permanent way to work through feelings but you sound so keyed up, you need some release. Exercise twice a day or whatever. And prep for that first therapist visit so you don't just blather out a million details but focus on WHY you had an affair and how to regain self-control.

Important aside:

The AP moving near you -- does that mean he has kids who would be in schools with your own kids? THAT is a huge, screaming, neon red sign, OP. If you have kids who would be in schools together, you will be running into each other very, very frequently. Same if your kids end up in the same scout troops or at the same community pools etc. if your neighborhoods are like that. But the school situation would be the unavoidable one. I would check right now whether his new house is in the same school pyramid as yours; they might not be in the same pyramid at all, but if they are? You need first to spend this summer dealing with your wild emotions, then get strategic about how not to see him or his wife if your kids are schoolmates. Maybe even classmates. That's a problem.

Not OP. Kids in the same class. Has not been a problem. But 5 years in and not discovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

No! Do not tell your husband. Take it to the grave.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

No! Do not tell your husband. Take it to the grave.

+1.

Nasty, deceitful whores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

Keeping secrets is the opposite of therapeutic.

Complete BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

Keeping secrets is the opposite of therapeutic.

Complete BS.

Don’t drag innocent people into your psychodrama. OP has a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not a troll. I own a home in the neighborhood my ex-AP and his wife are moving into. They are renters. They are moving into the townhome section in my neighborhood. I live in the single family home section. We will be on opposite sides of a large neighborhood in my community.

My husband, ex-AP & ex-AP’s wife went to the same high school. They are all several years older than me. I met ex-AP on social media.

My Facebook was very much private. Deactivated now. My husband doesn’t use social media very much.

Ex-AP’s wife had a brief affair several years ago. Shortly after the affair, ex-ap’s wife found out she was pregnant. There was never a DNA test done on the child, but ex-AP does take care of the child. Ex-AP’s wife denies ever having physical relations with her affair partner. They have had a very rocky marriage to say the least. Part of the message she sent to me acknowledged that.

I am trying my best to feel empathy, but it’s not easy as I’m severely hurting. I feel as if I’ve lost my best friend. I realize I was living in a fantasy, but it’s not easy to let that go. I feel very lost.

Yeah, you’re a troll.

I'm the poster who called someone (you?) a Troll Hunter because of this persistence. How are you defining "troll" in this context? If you are defining a troll as a person who makes things up to rile people on the internet up, I don't think this fits. There is no reason to believe that the OP is making anything up other than that you don't think the scenario is plausible. She's definitely posting about a provocative topic, which a minute and a half on the relationship forum would have told her, but a topic being provocative does not automatically make the poster a troll.

No, DP calling OP a troll. Someone who makes up stuff and posts it for a reaction.

If OP is so very broken up about this, why is OP spending hours - hours - posting about it? And the extra little detail each time OP posts? The wife tells her about the state of their marriage?

It’s unbelievable. Not to be believed.

Sometimes I think jsteele posts this stuff to get more ad dollars. People on this forum love a juicy affair story. Lots of posts.

That is a fairly sad, paranoid view to hold.

I think if you look at any of the other threads about people who are dealing with disclosure of affairs, what you will see is that there is a lot of graspy emotional behavior, particularly in the beginning. While I don't support what OP has done, it would be fairly foolish to ignore that a pretty emotionally significant relationship of a year has just suddenly ended. That affects a person. Condemning the relationship is a pretty obvious move, but it does nothing for the overall situation to point out to the OP that she did a terrible thing.

As for the extra detail, I almost added a sentence about this to my last post to you. The OP is over-explaining because you people are saying that she made this up by pointing out "inconsistencies." She clarifies when asked to clarify. She is posting because she's going through a really intense situation and is found emotional support of a sort here.

Jsteele actually talks about this in one of his recap posts that deals with the lady who is trying to move on from her husband's affair. Some posters use this site as free therapy. OP maybe is doing that. Maybe she is just straight up lying about all of it. But I don't see the inconsistencies here that you're seeing and this scenario sounds very plausible to me. The only reason I would personally suspect troll is that it is the reverse of other affair-related posts on this site.