Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the “I could never forgive that” comments from people who have NOT been through infidelity or some sort of betrayal are really helpful at all and I hope OP is taking them with a grain of salt. You DO NOT know what you would do in this situation until it happens to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the “I could never forgive that” comments from people who have NOT been through infidelity or some sort of betrayal are really helpful at all and I hope OP is taking them with a grain of salt. You DO NOT know what you would do in this situation until it happens to you!

+1000. Until you are actually in a situation, you have no idea what you would really do. Talking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the “I could never forgive that” comments from people who have NOT been through infidelity or some sort of betrayal are really helpful at all and I hope OP is taking them with a grain of salt. You DO NOT know what you would do in this situation until it happens to you!

+1000. Until you are actually in a situation, you have no idea what you would really do. Talking from experience.

Nope. You are wrong, some women really do know themselves well enough to follow through on their convictions. Case in point, I was cheated on and I left. I always knew I would if it ever happened to me. I left because I was so hurt and could never picture myself in that scenario ever again, not because I wanted to one up him or cut off my nose to spit my face. I just know that I’m not the kind of person who could ever trust again after that kind of betrayal and humiliation. I’m so much happier now. I just think it’s ok for women to say they would never tolerate cheating and really mean it. You don’t have to have gone through it. Your word is yours and yours alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

It is so easy for you to say “kids will be fine, promise.” I know OP’s kids are older but you don’t know her or her kids to make that kind of statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

It is so easy for you to say “kids will be fine, promise.” I know OP’s kids are older but you don’t know her or her kids to make that kind of statement.

Well, to play devil’s advocate, perhaps you’re right. But I’d rather an overly sensitive 21 year old young adult experience some familial shake up than to stay with a man who called me ugly and unlovable to his side chick. Goes to my point earlier on having self respect.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m guessing that you don’t work or are financially dependent on your husband for your current lifestyle. Otherwise it truly doesn’t make sense to twist yourself into knots condoning his shameless behavior.
Whatever you need to make it work, but just remember that however remorseful he may seem now, it won’t change the fact that if it weren’t for you discovering his deeds he would have kept right at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the “I could never forgive that” comments from people who have NOT been through infidelity or some sort of betrayal are really helpful at all and I hope OP is taking them with a grain of salt. You DO NOT know what you would do in this situation until it happens to you!

+1000. Until you are actually in a situation, you have no idea what you would really do. Talking from experience.

How have you missed all the posts from people who HAVE been betrayed commenting on their regrets on trying to make their marriages work or how much better their lives were after divorce?

I've gone through this and two of my kids have SN. It was about 10 years ago. We worked with a counselor and while I didn't have the same level confidence in the relationship that I did the first 10 years we were together, I thought our relationship was solid enough - even though, at times, I would get triggered by his actions/events. Recently, my husband began exhibiting behaviors that I saw when he was in the midst of his betrayal 10 years ago.

I regret giving the marriage another chance. I regret not recognizing that something is broken in my husband that he could do this not only the first time but that he's doing it now. I will be divorcing him as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. I don't know what the right choice is for OP but my husband didn't bash me to his AP like OP's husband has. My husband didn't have the same level of vitriol that OP's husband has communicated. I couldn't have given my marriage a second chance if I had such concrete evidence of my husband's contempt for me - I mean, certainly banging another woman was an act of contempt but the words just take it to a whole 'nother level as does the truth trickle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

I'm going to say this out of "tough love", a woman work respects herself does not need to stay or leave their H to prove that. A woman who fully respects herself knows another person's actions have 100% nothing to do with them.

A fully self confident woman will immediately know, when they hear bad word about themselves, no matter who says them (H, MIL, neighbor, frienemy) they will not even give it a second thought, because they know the words have nothing to do with them.

There is nobody on the face of the earth in a relationship with somebody that is not "over looking character flaws" and that includes you.

The character flaws are her husbands. She does not need to fix them. She just needs to determine if she can live with them, and she can't ... she already decided that. Now she needs to determine if he will change the "deal breaker" flaws and after 20 years of marriage and <1 year affair, she might just give him a shot.

That is not because she lacks confidence or she doesn't respect herself, it's because she thinks he might have a shot at changing.

You don't have a crystal ball, I don't have a crystal ball and OP does not have a crystal ball. You don't know if going or staying is a better decision, nobody does.

But a fully self confident woman would not need OP to do the exact same thing she did to validate her choice, she would let OP make her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the “I could never forgive that” comments from people who have NOT been through infidelity or some sort of betrayal are really helpful at all and I hope OP is taking them with a grain of salt. You DO NOT know what you would do in this situation until it happens to you!

+1000. Until you are actually in a situation, you have no idea what you would really do. Talking from experience.

How have you missed all the posts from people who HAVE been betrayed commenting on their regrets on trying to make their marriages work or how much better their lives were after divorce?

I've gone through this and two of my kids have SN. It was about 10 years ago. We worked with a counselor and while I didn't have the same level confidence in the relationship that I did the first 10 years we were together, I thought our relationship was solid enough - even though, at times, I would get triggered by his actions/events. Recently, my husband began exhibiting behaviors that I saw when he was in the midst of his betrayal 10 years ago.

I regret giving the marriage another chance. I regret not recognizing that something is broken in my husband that he could do this not only the first time but that he's doing it now. I will be divorcing him as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. I don't know what the right choice is for OP but my husband didn't bash me to his AP like OP's husband has. My husband didn't have the same level of vitriol that OP's husband has communicated. I couldn't have given my marriage a second chance if I had such concrete evidence of my husband's contempt for me - I mean, certainly banging another woman was an act of contempt but the words just take it to a whole 'nother level as does the truth trickle.

That is a sh*t ton of projecting, and I am very sorry for what you had to go through. But OP's situation is different, it's not better or worse based on lies her H told the OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m guessing that you don’t work or are financially dependent on your husband for your current lifestyle. Otherwise it truly doesn’t make sense to twist yourself into knots condoning his shameless behavior.
Whatever you need to make it work, but just remember that however remorseful he may seem now, it won’t change the fact that if it weren’t for you discovering his deeds he would have kept right at it.

She is financially independent and can leave based on finances. That was answered in a previous post.

Kept right at it? He was trying to break it off when she found out so maybe not.

[Anonymous]

That’s tough OP. I posted in the other affair thread. It’s very early for you. I was a wreck that close after.

Time. Take time. No rash decisions. Your feelings will go in a million different directions. I didn’t do marriage counseling and pretty much told him I was done. He was in individual therapy to deal with himself and some depression. Only at a point I was ready and I saw the change did I agree to MC. It was like 7 months after.

My situation- I also contacted OW, but she actually said he never said a bad word about me. His therapist told me he was always very highly complimentary. I also was fortunate to never see a message, photo, etc.

Triggers are awful and every single show or movie we watch seems to have cheating. Every single show. I’m mostly on the other side - 3.5 years later and one of the happier marriages, better communication and healthier spouse after dealing with their internal crap.

Here’s the thing everyone is different. It’s quite possible he didn’t mean any of that but was part of the escape fantasy and needed to do to disassociate from you/mental gymnastics. You won’t know for awhile. It’s a long road and it can be very much worth it, or maybe not. And that’s okay too. But everyone told me 3-5 years is the timeframe for getting over and through this no matter which side you land.

I wish you the best. You never deserved any of this.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and the people piling on and calling you names and being judgmental have their own issues. It’s really sad how the betrayed really have to take it from all sides when they are the victims in all of this. Some of these people judge the spouses more than the actual cheaters which says a lot about them.

Reading some of these messages may do you more harm than good because nobody will know but you. No situation is the same. It’s your life to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m guessing that you don’t work or are financially dependent on your husband for your current lifestyle. Otherwise it truly doesn’t make sense to twist yourself into knots condoning his shameless behavior.
Whatever you need to make it work, but just remember that however remorseful he may seem now, it won’t change the fact that if it weren’t for you discovering his deeds he would have kept right at it.

She is financially independent and can leave based on finances. That was answered in a previous post.

Kept right at it? He was trying to break it off when she found out so maybe not.

Yeah, he was really tying to break it off. His D just kept tripping and slipping in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

I'm going to say this out of "tough love", a woman work respects herself does not need to stay or leave their H to prove that. A woman who fully respects herself knows another person's actions have 100% nothing to do with them.

A fully self confident woman will immediately know, when they hear bad word about themselves, no matter who says them (H, MIL, neighbor, frienemy) they will not even give it a second thought, because they know the words have nothing to do with them.

There is nobody on the face of the earth in a relationship with somebody that is not "over looking character flaws" and that includes you.

The character flaws are her husbands. She does not need to fix them. She just needs to determine if she can live with them, and she can't ... she already decided that. Now she needs to determine if he will change the "deal breaker" flaws and after 20 years of marriage and <1 year affair, she might just give him a shot.

That is not because she lacks confidence or she doesn't respect herself, it's because she thinks he might have a shot at changing.

You don't have a crystal ball, I don't have a crystal ball and OP does not have a crystal ball. You don't know if going or staying is a better decision, nobody does.

But a fully self confident woman would not need OP to do the exact same thing she did to validate her choice, she would let OP make her own decisions.

Bravo 👏. I hope to internalise this post and I hope all the women reading it do too.