Reply to Trying to get over husband’s affair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale. [/quote]

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest.  They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever 
Never wanted to marry me 
Stayed as we have a child with a disease 
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave 
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause) 
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me 
He was in love with her - his words 
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

[/quote]

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that &quot;he is remorseful&quot;? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying &quot;stay for the kids&quot; necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.) 
[/quote]

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments 
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair 
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life 
Our other child is a senior in high school 
[/quote]

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners. [/quote]

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it. [/quote]

I'm going to say this out of &quot;tough love&quot;, a woman work respects herself does not need to stay or leave their H to prove that. A woman who fully respects herself knows another person's actions have 100% nothing to do with them.

A fully self confident woman will immediately know, when they hear bad word about themselves, no matter who says them (H, MIL, neighbor, frienemy) they will not even give it a second thought, because they know the words have nothing to do with them.

There is nobody on the face of the earth in a relationship with somebody that is not &quot;over looking character flaws&quot; and that includes you.

The character flaws are her husbands. She does not need to fix them. She just needs to determine if she can live with them, and she can't ... she already decided that. Now she needs to determine if he will change the &quot;deal breaker&quot; flaws and after 20 years of marriage and &lt;1 year affair, she might just give him a shot.

That is not because she lacks confidence or she doesn't respect herself, it's because she thinks he might have a shot at changing.

You don't have a crystal ball, I don't have a crystal ball and OP does not have a crystal ball. You don't know if going or staying is a better decision, nobody does.

But a fully self confident woman would not need OP to do the exact same thing she did to validate her choice, she would let OP make her own decisions.[/quote]

Bravo 👏.  I hope to internalise this post and I hope all the women reading it do too.[/quote]

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