Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

NP. Hopefully! I certainly am raising my kids to set boundaries, to listen, to respect other people’s autonomy, and to distance themselves from toxic people. Like anyone in my life, I know that if I treat my kids with kindness and respect, they’ll want to spend time with me. I know that if I am critical, overbearing, and selfish, they will want to keep some distance. See how that works?

Kids need parents to be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

If I am footing your bills, you do not have that right! Feel free to be completely on your own at age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is being cut-off a big deal? I don’t see many downsides, tbh.

What? Do you WANT your kids to never speak to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or , OP, those adult children can also forgive them and be better parents/adults themselves. How is cutting them off being a better person? You’re just as bad as they are. And I’m not sure what you mean by “nowadays”? I’m pretty sure people have always had the ability to cut other people off.

People are more empowered to cut off today

I’m not buying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

NP. Hopefully! I certainly am raising my kids to set boundaries, to listen, to respect other people’s autonomy, and to distance themselves from toxic people. Like anyone in my life, I know that if I treat my kids with kindness and respect, they’ll want to spend time with me. I know that if I am critical, overbearing, and selfish, they will want to keep some distance. See how that works?

Kids need parents to be parents.

Yes. No one said otherwise. My kids have boundaries and rules and limits, and there are consequences for bad behavior. In so doing, I am teaching them how to treat each other, their parents, their friends, their teachers, etc., with respect and boundaries. By that same token, I treat my kids with respect, and I listen to them, and I respect their boundaries about their bodies. In time, I will have to listen to and respect their adult boundaries, wants, needs, and preferences. And if I don’t, there will be consequences. You tried it! But again: see how that works?

[Anonymous]

Worry about what??
Why should my kids cut me off? They are worried I will cut them off but really, I was just being flippant.
My young adult kids and I had talks and installed an understanding that I and their dad are always there for them. There is no our house, not theirs, it is OURS which means ALL of ours , their house so to say.
Now if you are talking about narcissistic parents, how would they ever understand much of anything? They are mentally ill persons that use all, even their kids as narc supply.
They cannot understand normal, functional parental behaviours. Those young adults with such monsters for parents should run and never look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are young but I have no intention of cowering in fear being “REALLY careful.” If my kids can’t recognize I’m just a fellow human doing my best, fine.

Incidentally I’ve noticed my peers really struggle to mature enough to understand their parents are just fellow adults, who made mistakes but were well-intentioned.

These relationships usually become toxic BECAUSE parents refuse to see their kids as fellow adults.

My ils are these people. It is an understatement to say they are not normal and the things they thought they could control in our lives were crazy. No one I know has ever cut off a family member for trivial reasons. Abusive people get cut off. A poster above said most of the people who cut off family members are narcissists. I think narcissistic family members are the reason people get cut off. Most of the time, people have no clue about the abuse that goes on in families. No one would have a clue about the horrible things mil and fil did to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

NP. Hopefully! I certainly am raising my kids to set boundaries, to listen, to respect other people’s autonomy, and to distance themselves from toxic people. Like anyone in my life, I know that if I treat my kids with kindness and respect, they’ll want to spend time with me. I know that if I am critical, overbearing, and selfish, they will want to keep some distance. See how that works?

Kids need parents to be parents.

Nothing that pp said implies they are not being a parent. You clearly are a terrible parent as you believe good parenting requires being selfish, overbearing, and critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Nah! These are learned patterns. Your kids will hate you as much as you hate your parents. You all are dysfunctional.

You don't have kids. "Learned patterns". What a joke. Who is dysfunctional in an abusive family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

NP. Hopefully! I certainly am raising my kids to set boundaries, to listen, to respect other people’s autonomy, and to distance themselves from toxic people. Like anyone in my life, I know that if I treat my kids with kindness and respect, they’ll want to spend time with me. I know that if I am critical, overbearing, and selfish, they will want to keep some distance. See how that works?

Kids need parents to be parents.

Nothing that pp said implies they are not being a parent. You clearly are a terrible parent as you believe good parenting requires being selfish, overbearing, and critical.

Please learn what logical fallacies are.
What you wrote is one and is idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

I still have a relationship with my parents, but I’ve created a lot of boundaries. Some of which they don’t like, but I don’t care. What am I doing with my own kids:
-not being emotionally abusive, including saying things like “you don’t love me” and spending every holiday locked in my room or crying
-have a healthy, functional relationship with my spouse where we sleep in the same bedroom, take vacations together, and show respect and affection for one another
-not emotionally needy when it comes to my kids; I don’t expect them to be my therapist
-I support my kids equally and don’t favor one over the others

Oh, I forgot, i also don’t hoard things…yeah, those are the big ones!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is being cut-off a big deal? I don’t see many downsides, tbh.

What? Do you WANT your kids to never speak to you?

If my kids want to speak to me, then I will welcome it. But if they don't want to speak to me, then I won't be troubled by it. I have done my job as a parent, and given them everything I could. Now they are adults, and will live their own lives. I will continue living mine. It will be nice if they continue to have a relationship with me, but it's not something that is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Just because you birth kids doesn't mean those kids will be your friends when they are adults. It all depends on the personality you have and the personalities they have. It's like siblings -- just because 2 kids are born from the same parents doesn't mean those siblings will be friends with each other.

If you have a great relationship with your kids, great. But if you don't, it's not a bad thing to just move on, rather than trying to force a relationship just because you are family.

[Anonymous]

Lots of kids from homeschooled and/or strict households have cut off their parents. Also adoptees.