We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It’s a different culture. Most Americans don’t want to be chained to their parents and limited in their life by the family they were born into. Sense of family values = cater to your family no matter what they do or don’t do. I’m so glad I had the freedom to live my own life and so what I want to do independent of my parents.

+1

my DH and siblings spend so much money on their parents. Those same parents who weren’t willing to spend much on them. They also spent all of their own money so that their kids have to house them, feed them, pay for medical bills, etc. They were considered wealthy at one point but didn’t think about saving a dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It's a parents' job to take care of their child, not the other way around. Your kids didn't ask to be born, that was your choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, than she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Op here - the $300-$500 would mean we are taking from our kids’ college tuition or my retirement fund

That's cheaper than divorce, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It’s a different culture. Most Americans don’t want to be chained to their parents and limited in their life by the family they were born into. Sense of family values = cater to your family no matter what they do or don’t do. I’m so glad I had the freedom to live my own life and so what I want to do independent of my parents.

+1

my DH and siblings spend so much money on their parents. Those same parents who weren’t willing to spend much on them. They also spent all of their own money so that their kids have to house them, feed them, pay for medical bills, etc. They were considered wealthy at one point but didn’t think about saving a dime.

Why don't you persuade them to stop?

[Anonymous]

Op I am not able to read through all the responses but has anyone suggested a Medicaid assisted living/senior community living? There are some that take medicaid/social security. Basically they will take most of her SS but she'll have meals and community and not be in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am not able to read through all the responses but has anyone suggested a Medicaid assisted living/senior community living? There are some that take medicaid/social security. Basically they will take most of her SS but she'll have meals and community and not be in your house.

sorry I should say there is nothing called a medicaid assisted living but there are some that accept medicaid and medicaid will pay for some pieces, not the room and board but the SS would pay for that. It is basically specifically for folks that only have social security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

+1

I think that she is your mom and family is important, so if you can reasonably help, you should. This situation isn't remotely reasonable. I hope you can make something work so you don't have to kick her out, but you need to be prepared for that possibility.

I had an issue where I was worried that if I didn't do something my mom would wind up homeless and I felt so incredibly guilty when I stopped, but the situation became untenable. That was about ten years ago and lo and behold, my mom is fine. I don't think she even resents me anymore. Often what seems like a big crisis in the moment isn't a crisis at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It's a parents' job to take care of their child, not the other way around. Your kids didn't ask to be born, that was your choice.

In a cold financial calculation, you might be right. But in an emotional/familial calculation, you sound cold and heartless.

Anyway I sympathize with OP and think she should look into the efficiency option while exploring all the aid available to somebody living on Social Security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

I think people aren’t heartless but rather poor at communicating and setting boundaries . OP’s mom is out of line. She doesn’t get to act like that just because she’s the mom and needs help. And it’s easier for most of us to just end things instead of learning how to deal with others’ uncomfortable emotions when we set and firmly maintain our boundaries.

And no OP cannot replace her husband. Even if the position was just an interchangeable title, I don’t think anybody would want to marry her if they knew it would involve living with her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

Being on the street is better than being dead, so she would still be better off than most people her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

If she is 80 or older and living in those poor conditions, than she's still better off than most of her peers, as most people that age are dead. Why should she be given special treatment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Chances are, the OP's mother is going to die before her husband. So if the OP is estranged from her husband for her mother's sake, then when her mother dies, she won't have either her mother or her husband. And no, spouses CANNOT be replaced. The OP chose her husband, but not her mother.