We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation. My mom moved in with us because she couldn't afford to live alone any longer on just her social security. That lasted for a few years, but she no longer lives with us for a host of reasons.

Before we told her that we wanted her to move out, we did a lot behind the scenes.

First, we researched affordable housing for seniors. It is a terrible situation--there are 20+ year waitlists for subsidized senior housing in many places. We called dozens of places, and either they were unaffordable or had incredibly long waitlists.

We live in Fairfax County, which has a handful of county-owned affordable properties for seniors, so we decided on one of those. And when I say "decided", I mean that DH and I found the one that was the cheapest and closest to our home. Unfortunately, because of the small amount of social security my mom gets, she didn't have a lot of options.

Then, we researched what help she could get with her low income, which were an EBT card and transportation voucher. Which aren't a lot, but are something. Once she moved out on her own, she was able to qualify for more services, such as Meals on Wheels. Her health has declined, so she now has an aide a few days/week, paid for by Medicaid.

Once we had a plan, we told her that we thought she should move out, and told her a bunch of reasons why (none of which were the truth, which was that I wasn't going to get a divorce because of her). She was angry and pissed but realized within a week or so that she had no other options because of a lifetime of poor financial decisions.

So once we got her on board, we took her to visit the property we had identified, and she liked it, so we put her on the waiting list. It was less than a year, maybe 10 months or so, until a place opened up.

Something to note is that it will be hard to get approved for much with the $60k your mom has in the bank. My mom couldn't get Medicaid the first time we applied because of an amount much less than that.

Also, we likely spend more than $300-$500/month subsidizing her via paying for her cell phone, groceries, basically anything she needs that she can't afford (which is a lot, because her social security income is so low). So that expenditure stinks, but the way we look at it is: 1) she is my mom and 2) its cheaper than if we had to maintain two homes because her living with us ruined our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look for more of a senior community nearby for her so that she has people her age to socialize with. And if you are subsidizing I would take over her finances and put her on a cash card only budget, and block online shopping on her devices.

And what if OP's mom does not allow OP to take over the finances?

[Anonymous]

Could you get a nice travel trailer for her to live separately in?

[Anonymous]

You can’t let a hoarder live with you. Full stop.

It’s a compulsion that she can not stop and she will destroy your home. Hoarders will steal to continue their hoard. They will shift to garbage and scour curbsides and pick up every free thing on neighbor groups. They will stalk garage sales convincing the sellers to let them take whatever is left over for free. She may steal your credit cards, open loans in your name, etc etc. Her compulsion makes love her hoard more than you. She will always choose her hoard over your family.

It’s horribly traumatic for kids to live in a hoarder home.

You have to get her out. ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn’t save anything for retirement. We had to move her in with us. She literally has $60k to her name plus social security. Her living with us has put a terrible strain on my marriage. Please - advice and ideas on what to do??

We did this for 2.5 years with my MIL and it was miserable. She was miserable. We were miserable. We ended up spending so much money because of the stress. We were constantly trying to be out of the house. She would not keep up with hygiene and had a cat that destroyed the room she was in. It was death by 1000 cuts.
The doctors would not approve her for dementia housing so she moved back home. She gets checked on every other day and has all her needs taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn’t save anything for retirement. We had to move her in with us. She literally has $60k to her name plus social security. Her living with us has put a terrible strain on my marriage. Please - advice and ideas on what to do??

We did this for 2.5 years with my MIL and it was miserable. She was miserable. We were miserable. We ended up spending so much money because of the stress. We were constantly trying to be out of the house. She would not keep up with hygiene and had a cat that destroyed the room she was in. It was death by 1000 cuts.
The doctors would not approve her for dementia housing so she moved back home. She gets checked on every other day and has all her needs taken care of.

Also she was and is a hoarder. She spent all of her money on QVC/Plants that were still getting delivered to her house. She never pitched in with our kid or cleaning or anything. The only time I could get in to clean her room was when she went to the doctor. We had to throw out every item that was in her room, which we bought. She would not eat meals with us and left her dishes in her room or on the stove.
I was trying to get dinner together one day and she was eating something else because she would never eat at the same time as us even if dinner was 30 minutes out she would ask my DH to make her something else. My son was coloring at the table with her and she watched him walk outside and went back to eating. The door was unlocked because she let her cat out, which I repeatedly asked her not to do because the cat would tear up the screen door and scratch the glass when it wanted to come back in. So unlocked door and didn't say anything and went back to eating and my son was up on his playground equipment at 2.5-ish without an adult.
When I asked her why she didn't say anything or stop him or let me know....she just shrugged and went back to eating.

[Anonymous]

First, don't be wishy washy about it: she needs to move out. Your family life, your spouse, your children, and above all, your sanity, require it and need to be prioritized.

Next, look for housing options for her.

Stay firm or you'll all go down in a sinking ship together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t let a hoarder live with you. Full stop.

It’s a compulsion that she can not stop and she will destroy your home. Hoarders will steal to continue their hoard. They will shift to garbage and scour curbsides and pick up every free thing on neighbor groups. They will stalk garage sales convincing the sellers to let them take whatever is left over for free. She may steal your credit cards, open loans in your name, etc etc. Her compulsion makes love her hoard more than you. She will always choose her hoard over your family.

It’s horribly traumatic for kids to live in a hoarder home.

You have to get her out. ASAP

That’s not necessarily true. We had a relative live with us for decades that was a hoarder. She had stacks of stuff in her room covering everything and also in her bathroom but no place else in the house. This was before the internet so she could not order things and did not go out a lot so was t really buying thi. (I did all her shopping.). The stuff she saved was mostly paper —- decades worth of receipts, letters, newspaper/magazine clippings from things she wanted to come back to or remember, etc. And she was the sweetest most loving thing ever. Not every hoarder is the same.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I was in a similar situation. My mom moved in with us because she couldn't afford to live alone any longer on just her social security. That lasted for a few years, but she no longer lives with us for a host of reasons.

Before we told her that we wanted her to move out, we did a lot behind the scenes.

First, we researched affordable housing for seniors. It is a terrible situation--there are 20+ year waitlists for subsidized senior housing in many places. We called dozens of places, and either they were unaffordable or had incredibly long waitlists.

We live in Fairfax County, which has a handful of county-owned affordable properties for seniors, so we decided on one of those. And when I say "decided", I mean that DH and I found the one that was the cheapest and closest to our home. Unfortunately, because of the small amount of social security my mom gets, she didn't have a lot of options.

Then, we researched what help she could get with her low income, which were an EBT card and transportation voucher. Which aren't a lot, but are something. Once she moved out on her own, she was able to qualify for more services, such as Meals on Wheels. Her health has declined, so she now has an aide a few days/week, paid for by Medicaid.

Once we had a plan, we told her that we thought she should move out, and told her a bunch of reasons why (none of which were the truth, which was that I wasn't going to get a divorce because of her). She was angry and pissed but realized within a week or so that she had no other options because of a lifetime of poor financial decisions.

So once we got her on board, we took her to visit the property we had identified, and she liked it, so we put her on the waiting list. It was less than a year, maybe 10 months or so, until a place opened up.

Something to note is that it will be hard to get approved for much with the $60k your mom has in the bank. My mom couldn't get Medicaid the first time we applied because of an amount much less than that.

Also, we likely spend more than $300-$500/month subsidizing her via paying for her cell phone, groceries, basically anything she needs that she can't afford (which is a lot, because her social security income is so low). So that expenditure stinks, but the way we look at it is: 1) she is my mom and 2) its cheaper than if we had to maintain two homes because her living with us ruined our marriage.

OP, this poster gets it. So many people will come on here and say she needs to leave but doesn't acknowledge the how without bankrupting your family.

Start looking at resources within the county you live. If you haven't yet, have your Mom get a DL with your address so now she will be considered a resident. And then start with the aging care office in that county. For example, FFX Co is: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults

We had to do something similar with an elderly aunt who was living in OH with her son who was killed by a drunk driver. This aunt has no assets except for a sub $2000/month SS check. And that's still too high to fully take advantage of all the programs for those in poverty. She lived with us for a year in a spare bedroom until we found a non-profit independent living facility nearby and after she qualified for housing assistance from the county. And we still contribute to her care.

Elderly care in this country is held together by bandaids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

She's not going to qualify with 60K in savings for Medicaid. And it's not that simple. (NP)

[Anonymous]

Can you park her in a tiny house on your property? Does the county allow these ADUs?
That way she has her own space but very small.

[Anonymous]

If she can’t afford an apartment on her own, then she will need to rent a room. It’s not that unusual even in the DMV.

It might not be what she wants but when there is no cash this is what it comes down to.

I would not sacrifice retirement. I would forgo significant college savings account . But that’s me.

[Anonymous]

Can you build her an accessory dwelling unit? Also called "granny flat". Keep an eye out, ake care of her, but have some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

Like a nursing home? Are there Medicaid independent living facilities?