We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read.Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Am I in the minority here in thinking I can't replace my husband? He makes my life easier and better, like we share the cost of raising our family, he gets things done around the house, we take turns staying home with the kids so the other can go exercise or see friends, he makes me laugh and comforts me when I'm down. My mom does none of these things. So, no, I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage to move in my mom. When she stays with us she is like a fourth child and completely wears me out. I would help her find help, but at this point in my life, I can't envision a scenario where I'd move her in with my family and in my home to disturb the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

DP. I'd be arrested if I 'took care' of my mother like she took care of me.

If your mother could away with treating a child that way, what makes you think you can't get away with treating an adult that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

What makes me sad to see is so many parents expecting repayment when they're supposed to love their kids unconditionally, no strings attached. If the OP's mother truly loves her, she'll want her to have a happy and comfortable relationship with her husband, which is not what OP is experiencing right now.

This. Having children is supposed to a selfless act. If you were a truly kind and loving parent, ideally the children will want to be there for you, but you don't have children to ensure you have caregivers. You can hire caregivers. You can hire a case manager.

My mother had no problem leaving me with anyone breathing-abusive or not. I raised myself in many ways and she lived large with dad. Now suddenly I owe her the moon and nothing is enough. After enough years of abusive behavior where I could not please her I had her use her buckets and buckets of money to hire people. She didn't want to deal with me my entire childhood and i did cartwheels to please her. Now it's time to pay people to do what I have done for free.She also made me her therapist or more like emotional garbage can from about age 4. Time to hire someone for that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

What makes me sad to see is so many parents expecting repayment when they're supposed to love their kids unconditionally, no strings attached. If the OP's mother truly loves her, she'll want her to have a happy and comfortable relationship with her husband, which is not what OP is experiencing right now.

This. Having children is supposed to a selfless act. If you were a truly kind and loving parent, ideally the children will want to be there for you, but you don't have children to ensure you have caregivers. You can hire caregivers. You can hire a case manager.

My mother had no problem leaving me with anyone breathing-abusive or not. I raised myself in many ways and she lived large with dad. Now suddenly I owe her the moon and nothing is enough. After enough years of abusive behavior where I could not please her I had her use her buckets and buckets of money to hire people. She didn't want to deal with me my entire childhood and i did cartwheels to please her. Now it's time to pay people to do what I have done for free.She also made me her therapist or more like emotional garbage can from about age 4. Time to hire someone for that too.

Why don't you just cut her off?

[Anonymous]

You need to consult with an elder law attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

That's all in the past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

That's all in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read.Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Am I in the minority here in thinking I can't replace my husband? He makes my life easier and better, like we share the cost of raising our family, he gets things done around the house, we take turns staying home with the kids so the other can go exercise or see friends, he makes me laugh and comforts me when I'm down. My mom does none of these things. So, no, I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage to move in my mom. When she stays with us she is like a fourth child and completely wears me out. I would help her find help, but at this point in my life, I can't envision a scenario where I'd move her in with my family and in my home to disturb the peace.

Even if me, you, and the OP are the only people in the world who think that spouses can't be replaced, it doesn't matter. If OP prefers her husband to her mother, people need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

What happens when someone doesn’t have kids to subsidize them this way? Maybe she needs to consider that option. Is it that she doesn’t think she should have to live in a studio apartment, even if it’s very nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read.Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Am I in the minority here in thinking I can't replace my husband? He makes my life easier and better, like we share the cost of raising our family, he gets things done around the house, we take turns staying home with the kids so the other can go exercise or see friends, he makes me laugh and comforts me when I'm down. My mom does none of these things. So, no, I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage to move in my mom. When she stays with us she is like a fourth child and completely wears me out. I would help her find help, but at this point in my life, I can't envision a scenario where I'd move her in with my family and in my home to disturb the peace.

Even if me, you, and the OP are the only people in the world who think that spouses can't be replaced, it doesn't matter. If OP prefers her husband to her mother, people need to respect that.

I'm going to be #4. I also think I couldn't replace my husband. I love my mom, she is my best friend and I had a wonderful childhood. I would move her in with me although even that wouldn't be easy (we'd butt heads). But DH is my world. I truly don't think I could live without him. If I had to choose my mom or my dh- I'd choose dh every single time. (When I was hospitalized, my mom was surprised that I wanted dh with me. She somehow thought I'd kick him out and let her sleep at my hospital bed). Even if you aren't crazy in love with your dh, if you don't choose a spouse over your parents, why are you even married?! DH and I also would choose each other over our kids too, who we love dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother!!! Take care of her. People in this country astound me and then they wonder why there are so many mass shootings. There is zero sense of community and filial obligations. People are alone and isolated and they go crazy.

Nobody has said "This is your son!!! Take care of him" in this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1104109.page

What astounds me is the fact that people adhere by the "You have a moral obligation to help a family member in need even if you don't have any legal obligations to them." rule when adult children have a parent in need, but not when parents have an adult child in need. Either you agree with what I just put in quotes or you don't. Based on your comment, you seem to agree with this rule. Therefore, you should make this exact comment comment under the thread I linked. Not to do so would be hypocritical, illogical, and inconsistent on your part.

+1
Exactly, very good point. Sounds like there are some here would would put their parents before their own children. As a parent myself I would never want to see my kids taking resources away from their kids for me. I’d scrimp and cut my budget first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find low income senior housing.

This. There is a lot of this. She might need to move a few hours away but that’s ok. Try Richmond area or Philly area.

[Anonymous]

Low income senior housing and do what you can to make it as nice as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother!!! Take care of her. People in this country astound me and then they wonder why there are so many mass shootings. There is zero sense of community and filial obligations. People are alone and isolated and they go crazy.

Oh, yeah? WHat do you do when your elderly mother says she will kill you to your husband and your 8 year old is watching?

Signed,
daughter of immigrant parents--parents who left their country because they were tired of my grandma

[Anonymous]

This thread is like 14 mons old