We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

Are you planning on helping out around your kids' houses or are you just planning to lie around and be waited on hand and foot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

What makes me sad to see is so many parents expecting repayment when they're supposed to love their kids unconditionally, no strings attached. If the OP's mother truly loves her, she'll want her to have a happy and comfortable relationship with her husband, which is not what OP is experiencing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

What if your kids are happier having their own space? Don't you care about your kids' happiness? They say that parents are only happy when their kids are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely did not “have to” move her in with you. That was a choice. Move her back out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd put my husband out before I'd put my mother out.

Well, that's your personal preference. The OP's personal preferences may be different, and you need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look for more of a senior community nearby for her so that she has people her age to socialize with. And if you are subsidizing I would take over her finances and put her on a cash card only budget, and block online shopping on her devices.

And what if OP's mom does not allow OP to take over the finances?

Them she no longer is welcome to live under OP’s roof.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

That's your personal preferences. Different people may have different preferences, and you have to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to start paying rent and stop the hoarding/shopping. You can put it in a separate savings account or mutual fund or CD in your name and use it later on to help with her expenses.

If she is offended then she is free to move out.

Her rent covers her room. She is not allowed to store things or leave clutter in shared areas. If she doesn’t like it, she is free to move out.

Hoarders are selfish and often infantile. You need to draw a hard line.

You are not obligated to house her in a manner she desires.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who really needs home to be a place to unwind? If my IL moved in and was hoarding, stressing me out, and causing DH and I to argue, I’d probably just hide in the bedroom and never come out. Life is stressful enough. My downtime at home is necessary.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

That's your personal preference. Different people may have different preferences and you need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

Totally agree with you. I am not from a culture with intergenerational living, but we have an amazing social network and seniors are taken care of. I would never throw my mom out on the street or drug den at the age of 80. So cruel and heartless. But also, the mom needs to pull herself together and can’t terrorize the household. Sad that OP doesn’t have satisfying options, despite living in a rich country.

That's your personal preference. Different people may have different preferences and you need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

Parents are supposed to take care of their children. A good parent wouldn't expect anything in return from their child, and would want their child to live their life to the fullest and not have to sacrifice their space and comfort to "repay" them. For all you know, the OP doesn't even plan on living to the same age her mother is now. I know I don't. If her mother's not too old to deserve to be alive, she's not too old to be able to take care of herself.

Sounds like Japan. Overwork. That's why their child rate is so low. So tires.

Bad stuff happens. If my mom needed help then I help her.

That's your personal preference. Different people may have different preferences and you need to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who judges OP and other posters with nightmare elderly parents, gets my mother for a week. Once you have lived with her for a week....or 2 or 3 if you live, report back. I suspect a lot of you Judgy Mcjudgysons will need therapy and meds after that week. Oh and plot twist...she's yours. You figure out what to do with an abusive elderly person and then feel free to preach to the rest of us and write a book!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother!!! Take care of her. People in this country astound me and then they wonder why there are so many mass shootings. There is zero sense of community and filial obligations. People are alone and isolated and they go crazy.

Yes, this is the OP's mother, so her relationship with her should be the OP's choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Are these comments under a thread about an adult child living at home hard for you to read?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1104109.page

"You have 30 days to get out, I don't care where you go, as you are an adult, but you can't stay here."

That's it. Don't enable him more.

or

He’s almost 30. Tell him to go.