We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every city has low income housing for senior citizens.

and a waiting list as long as the Mississippi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I was in a similar situation. My mom moved in with us because she couldn't afford to live alone any longer on just her social security. That lasted for a few years, but she no longer lives with us for a host of reasons.

Before we told her that we wanted her to move out, we did a lot behind the scenes.

First, we researched affordable housing for seniors. It is a terrible situation--there are 20+ year waitlists for subsidized senior housing in many places. We called dozens of places, and either they were unaffordable or had incredibly long waitlists.

We live in Fairfax County, which has a handful of county-owned affordable properties for seniors, so we decided on one of those. And when I say "decided", I mean that DH and I found the one that was the cheapest and closest to our home. Unfortunately, because of the small amount of social security my mom gets, she didn't have a lot of options.

Then, we researched what help she could get with her low income, which were an EBT card and transportation voucher. Which aren't a lot, but are something. Once she moved out on her own, she was able to qualify for more services, such as Meals on Wheels. Her health has declined, so she now has an aide a few days/week, paid for by Medicaid.

Once we had a plan, we told her that we thought she should move out, and told her a bunch of reasons why (none of which were the truth, which was that I wasn't going to get a divorce because of her). She was angry and pissed but realized within a week or so that she had no other options because of a lifetime of poor financial decisions.

So once we got her on board, we took her to visit the property we had identified, and she liked it, so we put her on the waiting list. It was less than a year, maybe 10 months or so, until a place opened up.

Something to note is that it will be hard to get approved for much with the $60k your mom has in the bank. My mom couldn't get Medicaid the first time we applied because of an amount much less than that.

Also, we likely spend more than $300-$500/month subsidizing her via paying for her cell phone, groceries, basically anything she needs that she can't afford (which is a lot, because her social security income is so low). So that expenditure stinks, but the way we look at it is: 1) she is my mom and 2) its cheaper than if we had to maintain two homes because her living with us ruined our marriage.

OP, this poster gets it. So many people will come on here and say she needs to leave but doesn't acknowledge the how without bankrupting your family.

Start looking at resources within the county you live. If you haven't yet, have your Mom get a DL with your address so now she will be considered a resident. And then start with the aging care office in that county. For example, FFX Co is: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults

We had to do something similar with an elderly aunt who was living in OH with her son who was killed by a drunk driver. This aunt has no assets except for a sub $2000/month SS check. And that's still too high to fully take advantage of all the programs for those in poverty. She lived with us for a year in a spare bedroom until we found a non-profit independent living facility nearby and after she qualified for housing assistance from the county. And we still contribute to her care.

Elderly care in this country is held together by bandaids.

that's so sad about her son - kudos to you for stepping in to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

Like a nursing home? Are there Medicaid independent living facilities?

No, you have to qualify to need nursing care. There is low income senior housing but I think the waitlist is long and varies by area.

My dad thankfully has a paid for small house in a lcol area, because he definitely could not live with us.

My MIL did much the same as OP's mother, despite her children begging her for years to stop spending so much and save for retirement. She currently lives in a very nice building in Oak Park, Illinois. It's a great location. I would be happy to live there.

Is the clock ticking on her living there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

She's not going to qualify with 60K in savings for Medicaid. And it's not that simple. (NP)

She could private pay and spend down that 60k very quickly, yes?

Medicaid usually requires you need assistance with more than one of the 6 ADL’s (activities for daily living). They are:

Bathing
Dressing
Eating
Transferring
Toileting
Continence

Yes, absent that you cannot get a Medicaid bed. I'm fairly sure that the woman who shared a room with my mom was able to handle all six, but she had no money and think she bluffed her way. But bully for her. She had worked since she was 14 and fairly worn down, like really so. She would have probably kept working if she could have kept it up, but she was exhausted. She was a nice lady and a great room mate for my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn’t save anything for retirement. We had to move her in with us. She literally has $60k to her name plus social security. Her living with us has put a terrible strain on my marriage. Please - advice and ideas on what to do??

How is that the fault of you or your spouse? You owe her nothing. She made poor choices, and now she needs to suffer the consequences. And I know you're going to say something the line of, "She did such for me when I was younger." Well, that's a parents' job. She brought you into the world, as it was her duty to give you the best life she could. You didn't ask to be born, and therefore, are not obligated to repay her.

[Anonymous]

You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Op here - the $300-$500 would mean we are taking from our kids’ college tuition or my retirement fund

OP, you are out of your mind. Your husband will rightly leave you. You can’t afford to subsidize your mom. Your nuclear family comes first. This is her problem to deal with. Put her in senior subsidized housing and she has to live on SS. You find your retirement and kids college. The end. Grow a spine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

Hope you don’t live in this country. If so, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It’s a different culture. Most Americans don’t want to be chained to their parents and limited in their life by the family they were born into. Sense of family values = cater to your family no matter what they do or don’t do. I’m so glad I had the freedom to live my own life and so what I want to do independent of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It’s a different culture. Most Americans don’t want to be chained to their parents and limited in their life by the family they were born into. Sense of family values = cater to your family no matter what they do or don’t do. I’m so glad I had the freedom to live my own life and so what I want to do independent of my parents.

I’m not pp but the reason why you’re glad says it all. Family comes first in many other cultures, and I’m glad it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you park her in a tiny house on your property? Does the county allow these ADUs?
That way she has her own space but very small.

60K could make for a pretty cool tiny house

[Anonymous]

This Tiny house kit is 14K,

https://www.amazon.com/ECOHOUSEMART-House-FRAMING-D33H-986-brown/dp/B09MBXW7G2/ref=sr_1_8?keywords=ECOHOUSEMART&qid=1683714907&sr=8-8

[Anonymous]

Prefabricated tiny home is the keyword

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

It’s a different culture. Most Americans don’t want to be chained to their parents and limited in their life by the family they were born into. Sense of family values = cater to your family no matter what they do or don’t do. I’m so glad I had the freedom to live my own life and so what I want to do independent of my parents.

I’m not pp but the reason why you’re glad says it all. Family comes first in many other cultures, and I’m glad it does.

This is nonsense. That’s how a cycle of abuse continues in cultures.