We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

[Anonymous]

You look into options she can afford. You do not destroy a marriage for her. much easier to have her live elsewhere and visit and be cheerful. You can visit without your husband. Your marriage and kids come before your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

I read the thread, doofus. There are no posts about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

I read the thread, doofus. There are no posts about it.

Hey Doofus: Try page 1, post at 15:21.

You’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

I read the thread, doofus. There are no posts about it.

Hey Doofus: Try page 1, post at 15:21.

You’re welcome.

15:21 says exactly nothing about the mother being a spender, only that OP can afford to give her $300-500 a month in assistance. Op can give mom that much (to the detriment of her kids college and her (OP) retirement.) It does NOT say mom is spending $300-500 a month.

OP--do you have a garage you can convert into a studio apartment with the stipulation she can't come into the main house whenever she wants? Would that be a temporary solution until she gets into cheaper housing? Time to start networking--get her on every list you can find for subsidized housing. She may need to continue working part time. Ask everyone you know--Facebook, next-door, senior center etc etc if they have an ADU for rent cheap. Maybe there's another senior woman or two looking for a house mate. Crowd source this problem, but ultimately this is HER problem to solve, and your marriage to save. Your husband's feelings come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

I read the thread, doofus. There are no posts about it.

Hey Doofus: Try page 1, post at 15:21.

You’re welcome.

15:21 says exactly nothing about the mother being a spender, only that OP can afford to give her $300-500 a month in assistance. Op can give mom that much (to the detriment of her kids college and her (OP) retirement.) It does NOT say mom is spending $300-500 a month.

OP--do you have a garage you can convert into a studio apartment with the stipulation she can't come into the main house whenever she wants? Would that be a temporary solution until she gets into cheaper housing? Time to start networking--get her on every list you can find for subsidized housing. She may need to continue working part time. Ask everyone you know--Facebook, next-door, senior center etc etc if they have an ADU for rent cheap. Maybe there's another senior woman or two looking for a house mate. Crowd source this problem, but ultimately this is HER problem to solve, and your marriage to save. Your husband's feelings come first.

Not PP, but it’s confusing because OP answered the questions within the previous comment and it’s kind of all mixed up together.

[Anonymous]

Every city has low income housing for senior citizens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it help if you asked her to pay rent to get a hold of her shopping habit? You could put the money aside and use it for when she needs nursing home care. The main goal is to avoid the money going to Amazon and qvc and avoid overloading your home with cheap crap.

This. You have to get control of the money to stop the buying and hoarding.
The passive aggressive comments have to stop. Speak to her directly about it. “Stop interfering.” “Your comment is rude. Either stop or we will find a different place for you to live.” My guess is that you haven’t gone nuclear on her because she’ll respond with crying and pouting. Be okay with that.
As another poster said, you could look at a studio apartment.

Did OP mention her mother was passive aggressive?

Yes, and OP said she is a spender + hoarder. Read the thread. There are not that many comments.

I read the thread, doofus. There are no posts about it.

It’s in 15:21. It didn’t quote correctly. Read the blue area.

You need to find an alternative living arrangement. It’s hard. You feel guilty. You can’t let this destroy your marriage and affect your kids. Look at low income senior living places. You may not be able to save as much for college but living with you is not sustainable. We have discussed this and can never have any of our parents live with us.

[Anonymous]

^also, put parental controls on all devices like you would a child. Block her shopping sites. Tell her they are down if she complains. We had to do this with MIL to control spending and blocked FB marketplace and Amazon. Luckily she doesn’t have any idea how screentime blocking works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every city has low income housing for senior citizens.

No they don't. Every community determines how they will apportion housing vouchers. The vast majority give their vouchers/housing units to those who have minor children and have none for seniors.

The current strategy is to put poor seniors into a nursing home environment at the least provocation, where the corporate owners can milk Medicare/Medicaid for every penny. Over medicating is increasingly common, to keep elderly passive and confused. And keep them in the facility and watch the government money roll in to corporate pockets.

[Anonymous]

Here is the response at 15:21. The OP’s answers are bolded:
It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?
two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

[Anonymous]

You absolutely did not “have to” move her in with you. That was a choice. Move her back out.

[Anonymous]

I would look for more of a senior community nearby for her so that she has people her age to socialize with. And if you are subsidizing I would take over her finances and put her on a cash card only budget, and block online shopping on her devices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely did not “have to” move her in with you. That was a choice. Move her back out.

#1. Tell her this is not working. Period.