Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your husband need to decide what you want to do and go from there. Whatever the plan is, it will be easier if the two of you are on the same page.

We are the “poor” relatives on my husband’s side and not once have we invites ourselves on family members’ vacations or felt like they needed to host us, so to the PPs suggesting OP might be the “rich” relative who owes everyone else a free vacation, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

If OP comes back and tells us that her IL’s are dirt poor, you’d may have a point. But as of right now you’re blathering on about an imaginary scenario. The facts that we do know are OP’s in laws want to cram into a small house (essentially ruining OP’s comfort and enjoyment of vacation), and not contribute anything. When questioned, they went silent.

Multiple people have now asked OP what the wealth differential between families is and OP has not come back to respond.

If I were OP and wanted the thread to wind up a certain way, or to show it to my husband to convince him we could disinvite, that's one detail I might choose to leave out.

Sort of depends on whether OP is looking to this thread for a true AITA opinion or just reassurance that she is not.

The other thing about this is that it's DH's family, not hers. Do they go on vacation with her family at other times of the year, and is it more equal? Is her family more well off? Do OP and her husband both work (so vacation is being paid for by both of them), or is one of them pulling in a significantly bigger salary? All of that could have some effect of how much time/money to spend with these in-laws feels "fair" to both OP and her DH. Note that DH doesn't want to change up the vacation and wants to pay for everyone, so it would be helpful to understand where that's coming from.

[Anonymous]

This is OP back with a few points. The house we have rented for the past two summers is still available because we know the owners so they are holding it for us (they don’t rent it all summer, just here and there to friends). But I have looked and there are other larger houses in the area that still appear to be available.

I didn’t bring this up proactively with my in laws, they asked if we were planning to rent the house again when we were together with DH’s sister, which is why I threw out the idea of getting a bigger house. Am I thrilled about spending 2 weeks with everyone, no, but it would be fun for all the kids so I am willing to do it in a bigger place.

My in laws have just as much money as we do so they can absolutely afford it, they are just cheap.

DH doesn’t like to “ruffle feathers” with his mom and sister and is willing to suck it up, but I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your husband need to decide what you want to do and go from there. Whatever the plan is, it will be easier if the two of you are on the same page.

We are the “poor” relatives on my husband’s side and not once have we invites ourselves on family members’ vacations or felt like they needed to host us, so to the PPs suggesting OP might be the “rich” relative who owes everyone else a free vacation, no.

I'm PP and I'm not saying they "owe" it. Of course they don't have to, and if they did pay it would be an incredibly generous thing to do.

Going on vacations with my extended family is one of my favorite childhood memories. The games we played inside, the beach time, how we all got to know one another, etc. Those vacations created bonds for me that I still have in adulthood. And the aunt and uncle who were doing the lion's share of renting the beach house -- I have a great relationship with them today, and check in on them and keep up with them to make sure they're doing okay. They are -- they don't need me. But they were good to me and I think of them in that light. If they needed something, I'd be there for them.

It's not all about money. You can make it about money, and then you'll miss out on the relationships.

Of course if they all make about the same amount and the rest of the family is just freeloading thoughtlessly, forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP back with a few points. The house we have rented for the past two summers is still available because we know the owners so they are holding it for us (they don’t rent it all summer, just here and there to friends). But I have looked and there are other larger houses in the area that still appear to be available.

I didn’t bring this up proactively with my in laws, they asked if we were planning to rent the house again when we were together with DH’s sister, which is why I threw out the idea of getting a bigger house. Am I thrilled about spending 2 weeks with everyone, no, but it would be fun for all the kids so I am willing to do it in a bigger place.

My in laws have just as much money as we do so they can absolutely afford it, they are just cheap.

DH doesn’t like to “ruffle feathers” with his mom and sister and is willing to suck it up, but I am not.

DH is the one putting the work of entertaining and feeding on OP. Of course it's easy for him to 'suck it up.'

You let them (this includes the DH) cross this boundary without any consequence. They will continue to expect you to accommodate and not acknowledge it.
Something should be said so they understand not to take you for granted. Henceforth, future vacation shares can feel more equitable because if you don't nip this in the bud now, you are setting yourself up for continued freeloader usage.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP who was saying maybe OP is rich and should rethink this but given OP's post above that in-laws have just as much money and are just cheap, I take it all back. No reason you should be paying for everything if they have just as much as you. Sorry for being so skeptical!

[Anonymous]

Then say, yes we are planning to rent the same house, but will have other visitors during this time. I would suggest renting your own house in that area and it would be fun to hang out blah blah.

[Anonymous]

MIL and FIL were invited. The sibling + spouse + kids show up, don’t pay for anything and the OP has to buy and prepare food. And, the OP had to share her bedroom with her kids. Can someone tell me what special memories are happening in this beach house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

Oh god, glad we are not like your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or keep the house but tell them you have other guests coming for most of the time, so they are only invited for the last weekend.

Ding ding ding. I think this is your solution.

Nooooooo that’s a terrible idea. It sets the precedent that there is room for more than one family in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break the vicious cycle. Book a beach resort instead of a house. Then send around the link so everyone who still wants to come can get their own room.

Agree. If you do it again this summer, it will happen for the rest of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

'
Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

Oh god, glad we are not like your family.

Yeah, that is not exactly fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

So one of your theories is that OP's in-laws, who were not invited, are not paying for the house, are not contributing any food or labor, and are forcing other families to cram into a single room, really do not enjoy this vacation? Well, I have a simple solution - they should stay home.

And another theory is that OP is "selfish" because she doesn't want ot pay for her extended family's vacation, which also makes her own vacation less enjoyable, and forces her to cram her whole family into one room of a 3 BR house that she is paying for?

Either you have started drinking early, have suffered a recent head injury, or are simply too slow to be left unattended on the internet.

It seems that either the family is moochers, and/or that OP should be making alternate arrangements, such that no one is treated unequally ie: a resort.

What your issue is, is anyone's guess.