Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s already march and you don’t have a beach house booked yet? Is this an unpopular beach?

This pinged my troll radar as well. OP, this could have been a really good thread in November. People have more time for IL hate threads over the holidays.

No, read the OP. She booked the same beach house as last year and MIL is starting to make noises about how much fun they had last summer. This was after they balked at going in on a larger house or splitting costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s already march and you don’t have a beach house booked yet? Is this an unpopular beach?

This pinged my troll radar as well. OP, this could have been a really good thread in November. People have more time for IL hate threads over the holidays.

No, read the OP. She booked the same beach house as last year and MIL is starting to make noises about how much fun they had last summer. This was after they balked at going in on a larger house or splitting costs.

Where does it say she booked the same house as last year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

PP, your reading comprehension is way, way off.

[Anonymous]

if you did enjoy your time with everybody but the size of the house and people not chipping in with a problem then you can just tell them that you had a lot of fun, but the house is too small and your option if everybody wants to come us to get a bigger house with everybody chipping in. Do you need to know by X date otherwise you’ll just see them for the weekend. Just use your words.

You need to keep in mind, all of those little kids are bigger this year take up more room, and the house will feel much smaller.

[Anonymous]

I would get out ahead of it, OP. Just be direct. Don't say, "Wouldn't it be better if we . . . " Just say, "This year we are going to . . ."

I would word it this way:

"We are renting the same house on X Dates. We would love to have Mom and Dad join us the weekend of the 7th/8th. The room will be available starting at 10 a.m. on Friday. SIL, if your family would like to join, here are some listings and hotels nearby. Unfortunately, since we were bursting at the seams last year and the kids are a year older now, we won't be able to fit everyone in that small house again.

For meals, we are planning to eat out on Friday and make a big pot of spaghetti on Saturday. We would love for someone to cover salad and someone to cover dessert. Please stop by the grocery store and get breakfast and lunch foods for your family so we don't have to keep running to the store.

This is becoming a fun tradition and we hope it all works out for another [Name] Family Beach weekend this year!"

Basically, you're reverting back to what you originally signed up for . . . hosting the ILs for a single weekend, and SIL joining on her own if she wants to. You're also making meal expectations clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stick my ground about sharing a bigger house if you are going to do a big group vacation. You can candidly and kindly say “we liked spending time with everyone but found the house last year to be too crammed”. Just be direct. Don’t harp on recounting lack of contribution. That will turn it into a blame. Send it in s group message and see if anyone is interested, responds, picks up the project etc…

If no one does then just drop it and do your thing. Invite other friends. Don’t invite anyone at all. If in laws bring it up just say “no one responded to our message so se proceeded with other plans”. If they suggest m squeezing in together again just reiterate “like I said it was too crammed and we want kids to have their own room”. If they keep bringing it up they are being rude and awkward and you can ignore them.

Don’t be so afraid of it being a thing. Just be direct, reasonable and understanding, but also state your preferences and don’t budge on what your family prefers.

I like this one. How I would handle. It's honest and direct.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

PP, your reading comprehension is way, way off.

I was using an example or two, and the bolded is what OP was highlighting, hence my highlighting. What is your question?

There are many attributes to booking a beach rental, family history often notwithstanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP your title is misleading - I though tyou owned the beach house, and the ILs were coming and going all year, as they pleased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP your title is misleading - I though tyou owned the beach house, and the ILs were coming and going all year, as they pleased.

Lmao what? You made assumptions. Not the OP’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get out ahead of it, OP. Just be direct. Don't say, "Wouldn't it be better if we . . . " Just say, "This year we are going to . . ."

I would word it this way:

"We are renting the same house on X Dates. We would love to have Mom and Dad join us the weekend of the 7th/8th. The room will be available starting at 10 a.m. on Friday. SIL, if your family would like to join, here are some listings and hotels nearby. Unfortunately, since we were bursting at the seams last year and the kids are a year older now, we won't be able to fit everyone in that small house again.

For meals, we are planning to eat out on Friday and make a big pot of spaghetti on Saturday. We would love for someone to cover salad and someone to cover dessert. Please stop by the grocery store and get breakfast and lunch foods for your family so we don't have to keep running to the store.

This is becoming a fun tradition and we hope it all works out for another [Name] Family Beach weekend this year!"

Basically, you're reverting back to what you originally signed up for . . . hosting the ILs for a single weekend, and SIL joining on her own if she wants to. You're also making meal expectations clear.

I like this!

[Anonymous]

OP your ILs are the give an inch and they'll take a mile type. You need boundaries. If MIL brings it up again, just say it was way too crammed for a relaxing vacation and drop it. Don't take the bait. Don't follow up. People will only take advantage of you if you allow it.

[Anonymous]

Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to stand up to them. He can say "hey we are renting a house again and would be happy to upgrade to a bigger house if everyone is willing to split it. If not, I'd suggest finding your own rental and the house really is too small for 10 people at a time. Here are some rentals nearby: (links)"