Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

So one of your theories is that OP's in-laws, who were not invited, are not paying for the house, are not contributing any food or labor, and are forcing other families to cram into a single room, really do not enjoy this vacation? Well, I have a simple solution - they should stay home.

And another theory is that OP is "selfish" because she doesn't want ot pay for her extended family's vacation, which also makes her own vacation less enjoyable, and forces her to cram her whole family into one room of a 3 BR house that she is paying for?

Either you have started drinking early, have suffered a recent head injury, or are simply too slow to be left unattended on the internet.

It seems that either the family is moochers, and/or that OP should be making alternate arrangements, such that no one is treated unequally ie: a resort.

What your issue is, is anyone's guess.

*such that no one is treated unequally, and that OP has their own sufficient space for vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your husband need to decide what you want to do and go from there. Whatever the plan is, it will be easier if the two of you are on the same page.

We are the “poor” relatives on my husband’s side and not once have we invites ourselves on family members’ vacations or felt like they needed to host us, so to the PPs suggesting OP might be the “rich” relative who owes everyone else a free vacation, no.

+1

[Anonymous]

The only way any income differential matters is if OP *invites* others. If I can't afford a week at the beach I don't just show up on someone else's vacation.

MIL likes this because she gets her wish of having all her grandbabies around (or lots of). She will push boundaries to get what she wants. The BIL/SIL are either moochers or clueless.

You've gotten some good advice on this thread. I go with being direct and nice. "We will be in Corolla from June 10 - 20 if anyone wants to rent a house or hotel nearby. The house is too small to cram so many people in, so either folks can choose to rent thier own place or, let me know if you want to split a house like this (example link).

Then follow through.

If your DH balks, you don't go. Let HIM deal with his extended family intruding on the small beach house this summer.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn’t want to “ruffle feathers?” DH handles all cooking, grocery shopping, and other hosting duties. YOU sit in the hammock with a book and a glass of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t want to “ruffle feathers?” DH handles all cooking, grocery shopping, and other hosting duties. YOU sit in the hammock with a book and a glass of wine.

THIS. And kids keep the room. The moochers can sleep on air mattresses together in the living room.

[Anonymous]

OP why don't you use your words??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why don't you use your words??

This saying is aging like milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why don't you use your words??

This saying is aging like milk.

Mmm, cheesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why don't you use your words??

This saying is aging like milk.

Mmm, cheesy.

But why can't OP communicate with her own family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Just say each of your kids get their own bedroom and so do you. Not enough bedrooms so if they want to come they have to find their own place to stay. The real problem is your husband is a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why don't you use your words??

This saying is aging like milk.

Mmm, cheesy.

But why can't OP communicate with her own family?

Have you ever met a family?

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up buttercup.

Nope. Pay your way to get an appropriately sized vacation home or stay home, moocher buttercups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, OP, there’s some middle ground here, and you know it. You’re getting the house, either way. If they are willing to cram, fine. But hard no on the food.

“We will not be buying and providing food and drink for everyone again. Frankly, we were a little surprised that you guys didn’t so much as buy your own groceries or offer to get takeout dinner a few nights, when we were graciously paying for a beach house.” Yes, I would be that pointed about it.

Wrong. (not OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

PP, your reading comprehension is way, way off.

+1. Sounds like PP is projecting, wildly.