Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

'

OP, do you make millions of dollars? What's the difference between your HHI and that of your ILs? These are just wild assumptions, but I'm guessing if OP did make millions of dollars then they'd rent a big enough beach house for the whole family and all this would be moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

If OP comes back and tells us that her IL’s are dirt poor, you’d may have a point. But as of right now you’re blathering on about an imaginary scenario. The facts that we do know are OP’s in laws want to cram into a small house (essentially ruining OP’s comfort and enjoyment of vacation), and not contribute anything. When questioned, they went silent.

[Anonymous]

Op come back and update us on what you and DH decided

[Anonymous]

I had the same reaction. If the ILs can’t afford it and you can, they may be assuming your are happy to pay for them all, rather than not have them be able to come.

My family would do this and it doesn’t bother me, they pull their weight in other ways, like more caregiving.

Try to be generous if this is the situation OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

If you want to spend your hard earned vacation time and money cramming your family of four into a single bedroom so that your extended family can mooch off of you, taking over the rest of the house you paid for and not even offering to pay for a meal then have at it. My family of origin has a similar philosophy and would do the same if left unchecked but I have put boundaries in place and am much happier for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

You made all of this up out of whole cloth. Nowhere does OP say that she's filthy rich, her family is dirt poor, or that the kids enjoyed this time together "like no other vacation they've ever had."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

If OP comes back and tells us that her IL’s are dirt poor, you’d may have a point. But as of right now you’re blathering on about an imaginary scenario. The facts that we do know are OP’s in laws want to cram into a small house (essentially ruining OP’s comfort and enjoyment of vacation), and not contribute anything. When questioned, they went silent.

Being poor doesn’t entitle you to assume others will subsidize your vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

So if OP makes millions of dollars and rest of family is dirt poor and kids are enjoying this time together like no other vacation they've ever had, that makes no difference if in laws can't pony up an equal amount of money for let's say some luxury beachfront house that OP can afford but no one else can? And OP gets the first week of the beachfront property completely to themselves with no one else in the house?

Wow, all y'all's families are way different than mine. Mine is more of a "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" situation. But yeah I'm not surprised.

If OP comes back and tells us that her IL’s are dirt poor, you’d may have a point. But as of right now you’re blathering on about an imaginary scenario. The facts that we do know are OP’s in laws want to cram into a small house (essentially ruining OP’s comfort and enjoyment of vacation), and not contribute anything. When questioned, they went silent.

Well exactly.

We have paid for multiple vacations for less well off BIL and nieces. But you know, even with that history where they can expect us to want to spend time with them and pay for it, they don't just assume and wriggle their way into extra time. They're always appreciative and respectful of our budget.

My assumption is that there is not a big wealth differential with OP and their in-laws or she would have mentioned that. Even still, a wealth differential is not an excuse for the less wealthy family member to be an entitled jerk who takes without asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break the vicious cycle. Book a beach resort instead of a house. Then send around the link so everyone who still wants to come can get their own room.

Yup, you must break the cycle by doing this or by cancelling

This. Time to do something different and break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Break the vicious cycle. Book a beach resort instead of a house. Then send around the link so everyone who still wants to come can get their own room.

Yup, you must break the cycle by doing this or by cancelling

This. Time to do something different and break the cycle.

+1

[Anonymous]

To those claiming that it's too late to rent a house for this summer, DH and I used to do late rentals to OBX all the time. They have a ton of housing and condo options there. While the best houses do go early, we have never come up empty handed even if we waited until spring to rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

Good grief you are awful! The OP is selfish because she doesn’t want to ruin half her vacation hosting uninvited freeloaders or wait for it..the freeloaders are the ones sacrificing to grace OP with their presence. You are a real piece of work. I can’t imagine how many things you invite yourself to and how much freeloading you partake in while rationalizing it. So gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

So one of your theories is that OP's in-laws, who were not invited, are not paying for the house, are not contributing any food or labor, and are forcing other families to cram into a single room, really do not enjoy this vacation? Well, I have a simple solution - they should stay home.

And another theory is that OP is "selfish" because she doesn't want ot pay for her extended family's vacation, which also makes her own vacation less enjoyable, and forces her to cram her whole family into one room of a 3 BR house that she is paying for?

Either you have started drinking early, have suffered a recent head injury, or are simply too slow to be left unattended on the internet.