Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

GEEZ....this is easy! Rent a beach house for your family and do not invite anyone. If they ask, tell them you could not secure a bigger house and the host only allows so many people=your husband and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, OP, there’s some middle ground here, and you know it. You’re getting the house, either way. If they are willing to cram, fine. But hard no on the food.

“We will not be buying and providing food and drink for everyone again. Frankly, we were a little surprised that you guys didn’t so much as buy your own groceries or offer to get takeout dinner a few nights, when we were graciously paying for a beach house.” Yes, I would be that pointed about it.

some of you were raised in a barn. and what OP and her husband want doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Don't rental houses have limits on the number of guests per bedroom? Sounds like you might have been over the limit. Tell them you need a bigger house, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GEEZ....this is easy! Rent a beach house for your family and do not invite anyone. If they ask, tell them you could not secure a bigger house and the host only allows so many people=your husband and your kids.

you could do this. tell her you told the landlord about the extra guests and the landlord was surprised and said the house couldn't accomodate that many people. our house in maine run on a septic sytem and can only accommodate 6 people.
or tell your husband to say no -- it's his family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

'
Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

“Sorry not sorry?” “Hit a nerve?” Seriously, are you in 7th grade?

Next will be “I said what I said.”

With a little “nanny nanny foo foo” thrown in. That PP (who was projecting wildly) is off her rocker.

Definitely hit too close to home. Thank you for the confirmation.

I was a NP. There are several of us who know you’re nutty.

No one cares. Stop trying to derail the thread, please.

NP, I love that her defense to everything is that she must have "hit too close to home" and when that didn't work, she resorted to "no one cares" like my 5th grader says.

Of course it definitely wasn't her incessant babbling that absolutely no one asked for.

[Anonymous]

This is a you setting boundary issue. Yes, they took advantage, but you can always calmly and firmly set your boundaries. If they stomp on them then make it clear they are still in place.

I get it. A lot of people allow poor boundaries for the sake of pretending a family is warm and loving and functional. Functional, warm and loving families accept boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a you setting boundary issue. Yes, they took advantage, but you can always calmly and firmly set your boundaries. If they stomp on them then make it clear they are still in place.

I get it. A lot of people allow poor boundaries for the sake of pretending a family is warm and loving and functional. Functional, warm and loving families accept boundaries.

Her husband wants them there. Setting boundaries isn't going to work when he's the one causing the issues and inviting them. OP doesn't have the power to stomp her feet and snap her fingers here. She and her husband aren't on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a you setting boundary issue. Yes, they took advantage, but you can always calmly and firmly set your boundaries. If they stomp on them then make it clear they are still in place.

I get it. A lot of people allow poor boundaries for the sake of pretending a family is warm and loving and functional. Functional, warm and loving families accept boundaries.

+10000

I think that is why people are replying that no one cares - because no one cares what you want appearances or bragging rights to be. You take most of the pics without (some of the family), anyway.