Reply to DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've been in a similar situation. Spouse and I provided most of the care for his Dad, while we had young children (2 under 7). We had private caregivers but he lived with us. SIL (husband's sister) came every 2 months for a weekend to help and give us respite. That was better than nothing I suppose, but her husband didn't do anything. It lasted 5 years.

I have accepted that she did what she could.  But it wasn't equal, not even close, and when we asked that it be more equal, she couldn't comply because of her other restrictions (not local, small kids).

Our relationship will never be the same.

As for your situation, your spouse needs to put in an equal level of effort as his siblings. If you can foot the bill yourselves to pay for additional companionship, then you should offer to do that. If that means your DH's companionship is doubled, because you do not want to be there, then so be it. Whatever - if you want normal relations after your MIL dies, then you should do this. [/quote]

You had paid caregivers, so what is the issue.  Every two months sounds reasonable when she has young kids.  Her husband is helping as he has to take care of their family while she is away.  I did it without caregivers.  [/quote]

Well, we both had jobs (not remote). With 2 young kids (0 and 2 when this started). And we didn't have 24 hr paid caregivers because we aren't loaded. We did all medication management and meals. We used FIL's funds and supplemented ourselves to give him daily CNA care while we were gone for work, but we also had to help with toileting, bathing, etc. occasionally when the CNAs could not come.

For 5 years.

Her husband didn't help. In fact, she brought her own kids with her each time rather than leave them with BIL. Her help wasn't very helpful when she was always watching her kids instead of providing companionship.

The reality is that in a lot of families there isn't a sense of equality. Often the oldest gets the brunt of the burden. And sometimes its the daughter. So I wonder if OP falls into that situation. [/quote]

Was the estate divided equally at the end between brother and sister?[/quote]

There was no estate. All funds were used up, plus what we spent on his care in addition. probably $60-70,000.

No, SIL giving us 35000 wouldn't fix the inherent issue - which is unequal levels of caregiving. [/quote]

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