DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to stress that there are options available that mean your husband will not have to spend his entire inheritance on his brother. That is so sad and not necessary. It sounds like his family has the means to set him up.

Brother needs:
A home (either his own home or a group home)
Disability payments every month
A social worker who can help him manage logistics.

it depends on how severe his disability is. He may require extensive health care and hospitalizations, medications, and around the clock supervision

[Anonymous]

I don't get the OP hate. But I think the brother is a red herring. It's what your DH is telling you, but the real reason is he doesn't want to commingle his inheritance. Meanwhile, he is happy to let you commingle the gifts from your family. Complete BS.

The brother already has gotten an inheritance. That money can care for him, and certainly if it is structured properly, he will get medicaid and other services. There's no reason for the husband to squirrel away his inheritance and I can virtually guarantee you, he's doing it because he wants to keep it all in case of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are moving to a very expensive West Coast housing market and are trying to figure out how to afford a house that we like. DH's father passed away unexpectedly about a decade ago, and DH received an inheritance in the high six figures. (His parents were divorced, and I expect he will get at least that much and probably more from his mother when she passes.) DH hasn't spent a penny of his inheritance yet, and I think it's reasonable for him to use some of it for purchasing a house when we move. He is refusing to consider spending any of the money because he assumes he will be completely financially responsible for his disabled brother when his mother passes away and he wants to save the money for that. His brother has severe mental illness (schizophrenia/psychosis) and lives with his mother. His mother is in good shape but is 80 years old. She is in complete denial about the severity of her son's illness and as far as we know has not made any provisions for his care or set up any special needs trusts, etc.. DH's brother has/will inherit a decent sum of money but DH assumes that his brother will be preyed upon/be unable to manage the money.

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations). I hope it is many years away but I will inherit a sizeable sum when my parents pass and would not hesitate to use it to improve our family's quality of life. So I'm quite resentful that DH is unwilling to use any of his inheritance to benefit his wife and children. If his father had wanted to leave all of his money to DH's brother, then that's what he would have done. Obviously it was his father's wish that his estate was divided equally between his two children. Am I being unreasonable?

Not just unreasonably, but fairly unintelligent. A person with schizophrenia and psychosis cannot take care of themselves in perpetuity if you dump money in their lap. That's not how mental illness works. DH knows he will be the only one left to take care of his brother, and that both his parents expect that of him, and he likely feels responsibility even without his parents' money. You, OTOH, want an extra bedroom NOW and think his brother should either become not schizophrenic or . . . live on the street when your MIL dies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

Yes, in this case, you should. Just buy a house you can afford with the money available from each of you and save the rest. You can't make him change, but you can save the $34k gift money. Personally, I'd put it in a separate brokerage account and save it, and take some occasional draws for a spa day every quarter and heliskiing trips with friends every winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the OP hate. But I think the brother is a red herring. It's what your DH is telling you, but the real reason is he doesn't want to commingle his inheritance. Meanwhile, he is happy to let you commingle the gifts from your family. Complete BS.

The brother already has gotten an inheritance. That money can care for him, and certainly if it is structured properly, he will get medicaid and other services. There's no reason for the husband to squirrel away his inheritance and I can virtually guarantee you, he's doing it because he wants to keep it all in case of divorce.

Then maybe the two of them should sit down and sign a post nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

Which they can do using their money from their jobs and equity from their house. If OP doesn’t want to use her annual gift of 34k that is 100% her prerogative, but her husband is not obligated to use the inheritance to buy a bigger/nicer house than they can afford themselves.

What irks me the most about OP is her utter lack of gratitude for being in such a privileged financial situation to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to stress that there are options available that mean your husband will not have to spend his entire inheritance on his brother. That is so sad and not necessary. It sounds like his family has the means to set him up.

Brother needs:
A home (either his own home or a group home)
Disability payments every month
A social worker who can help him manage logistics.

it depends on how severe his disability is. He may require extensive health care and hospitalizations, medications, and around the clock supervision

But it sounds like the family hasn't set these things up. I have the exact same situation, I know that schizophrenia is not like other disabilities (like down syndrome), there is often family dysfunction and denial getting in the way of practical solutions. So at minimum, what happens if the family sets these up? Then the husband can deal with the reality that is left over. The husband should NOT take responsibility for a dysfunction system. Believe me. Speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

This is weird for a married couple to argue about.
OP, how much do you contribute to the finances? Maybe your DH feels that you spend more than you bring in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

He suggested she use her gift from her parents. She is totally within her rights to say she doesn’t wish to do so and agree to live on their joint income. But this idea that she wants a larger/better house, can’t pay for it with just their joint income, has gifts from her parents to pay for it if she really wants to, and is mad because her DH won’t contribute his inheritance that he is saving to deal with a disabled brother is just so awful. If you look for “equal” in any relationship (especially marriage) rather than “fair”, you will not have a ton of quality relationships. And then to comment on her brother’s marriage and have her interest in protecting her family money from the gold-digger as a reason why her husband should not plan for his sibling is just the cherry on the top. Note to self - raise self sufficient children and not parasites who look at gifts as entitlements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

He suggested she use her gift from her parents. She is totally within her rights to say she doesn’t wish to do so and agree to live on their joint income. But this idea that she wants a larger/better house, can’t pay for it with just their joint income, has gifts from her parents to pay for it if she really wants to, and is mad because her DH won’t contribute his inheritance that he is saving to deal with a disabled brother is just so awful. If you look for “equal” in any relationship (especially marriage) rather than “fair”, you will not have a ton of quality relationships. And then to comment on her brother’s marriage and have her interest in protecting her family money from the gold-digger as a reason why her husband should not plan for his sibling is just the cherry on the top. Note to self - raise self sufficient children and not parasites who look at gifts as entitlements.

+1

OP do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

Which they can do using their money from their jobs and equity from their house. If OP doesn’t want to use her annual gift of 34k that is 100% her prerogative, but her husband is not obligated to use the inheritance to buy a bigger/nicer house than they can afford themselves.

What irks me the most about OP is her utter lack of gratitude for being in such a privileged financial situation to begin with.

Eh. It is what it is. No need to display humility here to appease posters who are offended by generational wealth.

OP wants a certain lifestyle for her family and that is OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to stress that there are options available that mean your husband will not have to spend his entire inheritance on his brother. That is so sad and not necessary. It sounds like his family has the means to set him up.

Brother needs:
A home (either his own home or a group home)
Disability payments every month
A social worker who can help him manage logistics.

it depends on how severe his disability is. He may require extensive health care and hospitalizations, medications, and around the clock supervision

But it sounds like the family hasn't set these things up. I have the exact same situation, I know that schizophrenia is not like other disabilities (like down syndrome), there is often family dysfunction and denial getting in the way of practical solutions. So at minimum, what happens if the family sets these up? Then the husband can deal with the reality that is left over. The husband should NOT take responsibility for a dysfunction system. Believe me. Speaking from experience here.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the OP hate. But I think the brother is a red herring. It's what your DH is telling you, but the real reason is he doesn't want to commingle his inheritance. Meanwhile, he is happy to let you commingle the gifts from your family. Complete BS.

The brother already has gotten an inheritance. That money can care for him, and certainly if it is structured properly, he will get medicaid and other services. There's no reason for the husband to squirrel away his inheritance and I can virtually guarantee you, he's doing it because he wants to keep it all in case of divorce.

I'm the person with the same situation as the husband an I agee with a lot of this. Though, I don't think he is saving it for divorce. I think the husband is just terrified of what will happen once both his parents are gone and is hoarding the money because it's all a giant black hole of terror.

He needs to be the one person in his family-of-origin living in reality and look into disability/medicaid etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

Yes, in this case, you should. Just buy a house you can afford with the money available from each of you and save the rest. You can't make him change, but you can save the $34k gift money. Personally, I'd put it in a separate brokerage account and save it, and take some occasional draws for a spa day every quarter and heliskiing trips with friends every winter.

+1 I would move put your gifts aside to save for a rainy day, same as he's putting his inheritance aside. If you guys couldn't afford a house at all without dipping into his inheritance, I might feel differently, but just wanting a nicer house vs wanting to save against future family responsibility is a silly hill to die on imo, especially since all the money in question is from other people. Just buy what you guys can actually afford with your own money.