Feeling hurt when other people fall apart over their elderly ailing parents while mine died young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you. Also: I struggle with my in-law's lackadaisical way of not being great grandparents (when mine would have been fantastic, I think). Why do they get to squander the opportunity my parents never had?! They're old and have lots of money in the bank, and live like paupers because they're "saving it for the future," but hey, the future is here and you're old and you wasted it staring at the wall and now they're scared to die and angry and it's hard (in my inner sanctum) to feel sympathy when they could have led a different life.

x10000

THIS. Only the good die young, indeed.

Plus the surviving PIL gets to live like a king because of the PIL who left them in a great spot - through no credit or work of their own.

Wouldn't be so sickening if they were good humans who were not so petulant and divisive - the favoritism, alone.

[Anonymous]

DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s dysfunctional to be hurt be how other people feel about losing their own parents.

I get feeling envious, frustrated, regretful, needing space, and having your grief triggered by the experience.

But they aren’t doing anything TO you. They are just grieving their own parent in their own way. It’s not about you, just like it wasn’t about them when your parents died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you. Also: I struggle with my in-law's lackadaisical way of not being great grandparents (when mine would have been fantastic, I think). Why do they get to squander the opportunity my parents never had?! They're old and have lots of money in the bank, and live like paupers because they're "saving it for the future," but hey, the future is here and you're old and you wasted it staring at the wall and now they're scared to die and angry and it's hard (in my inner sanctum) to feel sympathy when they could have led a different life.

x10000

THIS. Only the good die young, indeed.

Plus the surviving PIL gets to live like a king because of the PIL who left them in a great spot - through no credit or work of their own.

Wouldn't be so sickening if they were good humans who were not so petulant and divisive - the favoritism, alone.

You do not know that your Parents would have been great grandparents.
It's very easy to romanticize that "My mom would have been the active/invovled/supportive grandparent!" You have no idea how growing old would have impacted them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s dysfunctional to be hurt be how other people feel about losing their own parents.

I get feeling envious, frustrated, regretful, needing space, and having your grief triggered by the experience.

But they aren’t doing anything TO you. They are just grieving their own parent in their own way. It’s not about you, just like it wasn’t about them when your parents died.

This is OP here.

Just to put the story straight, my MIL is still alive. As explained in my first post she lives in her own house and she receives help from private caregivers and from her adult children.

My DH and his siblings may be grieving even before MIL has passed but she is definitely still alive and hopefully she will continue to live for several more years.

MIL and I get along very well. She is a lovely lady and she has always been good to me.

It's just that I feel cheated out of all the extra years my parents could have lived and I could have spent with them, doing all the parent/adult child and mother/adult daughter things that people with living parents take for granted. Celebrating birthdays and milestones, maybe going on vacation together, mother and daughter chats, just to name a few.

When mom died, DH and I had only been married 10 months. Our wedding day was the last time I saw her happy before her cancer diagnosis. We never saw this coming.

My DH kind of understands my feelings. My SILs do not get it and they are unable to relate to the fact that I'm still missing my parents after so many years, while at the same time stressing out about the thought that MIL aged 93 might die one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

OP again.

Wow, you sound judgmental. Are you a psychologist or something? Or did you spend too much time on Google?

And where exactly was I ranting? Please enlighten me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

OP again.

Wow, you sound judgmental. Are you a psychologist or something? Or did you spend too much time on Google?

And where exactly was I ranting? Please enlighten me.

Seems i am right. Your response is true to your narc nature. Nothing your fault, attack, blame, undermine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you. Also: I struggle with my in-law's lackadaisical way of not being great grandparents (when mine would have been fantastic, I think). Why do they get to squander the opportunity my parents never had?! They're old and have lots of money in the bank, and live like paupers because they're "saving it for the future," but hey, the future is here and you're old and you wasted it staring at the wall and now they're scared to die and angry and it's hard (in my inner sanctum) to feel sympathy when they could have led a different life.

x10000

THIS. Only the good die young, indeed.

Plus the surviving PIL gets to live like a king because of the PIL who left them in a great spot - through no credit or work of their own.

Wouldn't be so sickening if they were good humans who were not so petulant and divisive - the favoritism, alone.

You do not know that your Parents would have been great grandparents.
It's very easy to romanticize that "My mom would have been the active/invovled/supportive grandparent!" You have no idea how growing old would have impacted them.

They were AMAZING grandparents, for the short time they were allowed (before passing). So yes, I most certainly DO know.

Terrible parents are even WORSE grandparents. I have seen it enough to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are feeling is normal, but it doesn't have anything to do with you husband and how he should feel about his mom. That's his business. You lost your mom suddenly; he I'd losing his by inches. Is one really better than the other as far as effect on the child.
You may want to address your hurt with a therapist, but it is not the person who is currently losing their parents job to help you by muting their pain.

+1
This is 100 percent something for you to work out. It is not on anyone else to minimize their grief for you.

+2

I say this kindly, but your feelings are valid because they are how you feel…but are very emotionally immature. Would be good for you to work these feelings out with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

OP again.

Wow, you sound judgmental. Are you a psychologist or something? Or did you spend too much time on Google?

And where exactly was I ranting? Please enlighten me.

Seems i am right. Your response is true to your narc nature. Nothing your fault, attack, blame, undermine.

OP.
You sound obsessed by narcissism. Why? Have you had a bad experience with one?
What does narcissism have to do with feelings after a bereavement, or grief?

In any case you still haven't explained where I was 'ranting'.

You sound stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 54 years old.

My mom died of cancer only 7 months after diagnosis in 1999.
She was only 51 (she died in the spring and didn't live to celebrate her 52nd birthday in the fall).

My dad died in 2008, aged only 64, after 3 years of illness with advanced diabetes, foot and leg ulcers, gangrene, osteomyelitis, a series of mini strokes (TIAs), and eventually a bacterial infection which turned into sepsis, which killed him.

I have no siblings so I had no immediate, close blood relatives to share my grief and my memories with. Yes, aunts and uncles but it's not the same.

Is it normal to feel annoyed and sad when other people are falling apart over their very elderly parents' or relatives' poor health, or when they've died?
My DH and his siblings are like this with MIL, who is 93 and has dementia. She lives in her own house and she receives a lot of support from her adult children and from private caregivers.

MIL is now 40+ years older than my mom was when she died. I didn't get to spend all these extra years with mom (and dad). We never got to celebrate all the milestones in our lives and theirs after they passed at 51 and 54.
It feels so unfair.

Is it normal to feel this way? I feel I am still struggling with the loss of my parents. It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ...

I've tried to explain how I feel to my husband. He acknowledges my feelings and he says he understands, but does he?
He still has a mom.

Wow, you are very selfish. Your trauma doesn't mean other people shouldn't feel sad when their freaking parent dies! You're nuts. Just keep your mouth shut and feign caring.

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly mad that her narc supply dares spend thoughts and time with his elderly mom. Talk about oblivious.

[Anonymous]

OP’s inability to read the feedback that has been given and instead goes on lengthy tirades tells me all I need to know I feel bad for her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

OP again.
I have never sought treatment or therapy in my life.
I was brought up to deal with your problems without leaning on others, or asking for help (unless it was a serious and urgent situation).

I was born in 1968 and therapy or councelling wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. It was kind of frowned upon in my family.
My dad's side of the family were a little more open and more communicative, but my mom's side were not, and problems/emotions were dealt with within each nuclear family unit. You wouldn't really seek help from outside.

Yes, but that was then. And now there’s nothing stopping you from seeking therapy.

I understand where you’re coming from. My DH died at 38–at my first grief group all the other surviving spouses were crying about late loved one missing out on their grandchildren growing up. I learned that wasn’t the group for me…but now with time and tears behind me, I am able to support others without comparing loss/grief.
My kids lost their dad when they were 1 and 7. Yes it’s a twinge or a pang when someone is mourning a dad much older…I wouldn’t say they’re ever mad or jealous, just wistful that they would have loved to have had even a fraction of that time with their dad. But they have been able to be such caring and supportive friends to others thanks in part to the perspective they have.

Check out Anderson Cooper’s podcast, you might appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s dysfunctional to be hurt be how other people feel about losing their own parents.

I get feeling envious, frustrated, regretful, needing space, and having your grief triggered by the experience.

But they aren’t doing anything TO you. They are just grieving their own parent in their own way. It’s not about you, just like it wasn’t about them when your parents died.

This is OP here.

Just to put the story straight, my MIL is still alive. As explained in my first post she lives in her own house and she receives help from private caregivers and from her adult children.

My DH and his siblings may be grieving even before MIL has passed but she is definitely still alive and hopefully she will continue to live for several more years.

MIL and I get along very well. She is a lovely lady and she has always been good to me.

It's just that I feel cheated out of all the extra years my parents could have lived and I could have spent with them, doing all the parent/adult child and mother/adult daughter things that people with living parents take for granted. Celebrating birthdays and milestones, maybe going on vacation together, mother and daughter chats, just to name a few.

When mom died, DH and I had only been married 10 months. Our wedding day was the last time I saw her happy before her cancer diagnosis. We never saw this coming.

My DH kind of understands my feelings. My SILs do not get it and they are unable to relate to the fact that I'm still missing my parents after so many years, while at the same time stressing out about the thought that MIL aged 93 might die one day.

Please understand I am saying this gently. I hear that you are hurting and grieving and I am sorry for your losses. I understood from your OP that your MIL is still alive. But I interpret your DH an this family's current feelings about her to be grief because that is what it is called when you see a loved one whose body and mind are starting to fail them and you know the end is probably near. Their grief is undoubtedly different than what you experienced with your parents. It's still grief.

You say you feel cheated out of extra years with your parents. This is totally understandable. But your DH and his family did not cheat you out of that time -- life did. It's unfair but they are not to blame. They didn't do this to you.

I am glad your DH kind of understands your feelings. I would encourage you to also understand his feelings about his mom and try to support him in that. And while difficult, I would suggest that you try to set aside your own experience for a time and not hold it up for comparison to what he's going through. I don't think it serves either of you. There is not grief contest (and if there were, how would one "win"?). I hope he was supportive of you when your mom died, and again when your dad did. And I hope you can find a way to be there for him now and not view what is happening with his mom as something that is always happening in the shadow of your own losses.

Also, at 93, she could die any day. She might die 10 years from now or she could die tomorrow. Again, this is totally different than what you experienced, but it's also an objectively difficult thing. It makes you think about your own mortality a lot. It makes you feel like time is moving very fast and very slow at the same time. It can cause a weird decision paralysis. Sometimes people are afraid to go on vacation or have a holiday away from their parent, because there is always this threat that it's the last. And that can compete with our own understanding of your own time slipping a way and wanting to make the most of it and not spend your time simply waiting for the day this loss will occur.

It's not the same as what happened to you. It's very different. They are very fortunate to have had all these years with a loved parent, and it is very sad that you did not have those years. But that doesn't make their current situation easy or mean that they should not talk about it or express sadness or difficulty. It is totally okay for you to need some space from what's going on with them if it's bringing up a lot of feelings for you. But it feels like you are asking them to simply feel differently than they do. That is not a reasonable ask. And it won't bring your parents back.