Feeling hurt when other people fall apart over their elderly ailing parents while mine died young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

OP again.

Wow, you sound judgmental. Are you a psychologist or something? Or did you spend too much time on Google?

And where exactly was I ranting? Please enlighten me.

Seems i am right. Your response is true to your narc nature. Nothing your fault, attack, blame, undermine.

OP.
You sound obsessed by narcissism. Why? Have you had a bad experience with one?
What does narcissism have to do with feelings after a bereavement, or grief?

In any case you still haven't explained where I was 'ranting'.

You sound stressed.

Yea, ranting right now.

[Anonymous]

Olympics of victimhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH lost his mom early, she was 49. When my Dad was sick and struggled with dementia and Parkinson’s, dh was supportive and understanding just like I was long ago in the early 90s when his mom died suddenly. I do not understand what is “proper grief” to you OP?
IMO, there is no defined proper grief and closure. Now your DH deals with grief and he also has to deal with you minimizing his grief.
I would take a good look at myself if I were you. You have painted yourself a perpetual victim and you might not realize it but many perpetual victims suffer from NPD. Certainly your story fits the narrative in which you developed insecure attachment style which can lead to you always perceiving yourself as a victim. Plus your rant about just get over it, paints you as a person that lacks empathy for others while you have it spilling over for yourself.

OP again.

Wow, you sound judgmental. Are you a psychologist or something? Or did you spend too much time on Google?

And where exactly was I ranting? Please enlighten me.

Seems i am right. Your response is true to your narc nature. Nothing your fault, attack, blame, undermine.

OP.
You sound obsessed by narcissism. Why? Have you had a bad experience with one?
What does narcissism have to do with feelings after a bereavement, or grief?

In any case you still haven't explained where I was 'ranting'.

You sound stressed.

Every response you post reinforces the fact that you are a narc. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

The year is relevant because ideally, grief evolves over time. You sound stuck.

I felt like you felt in the first year after my brother was murdered as a young adult. I remember DH's grandfather dying soon after and I couldn't muster any sympathy. And as you describe, I found the grief of others around an elderly person annoying.

But I had lots of therapy and those feelings passed. Now I don't feel that way at all and I haven't in a long time. If you want to stay where you are with your grief that's your perogative, but you are making a choice. You can still love and mourn your parents but find ways to move forward in your life, and not feel what you describe feeling now.

[Anonymous]

OP please ignore the judgmental PP's on here who are saying you're narcissistic, etc. Grief is complicated and there is nothing wrong with having the feelings you're having. It's completely normal and understandable. I think it's better to acknowledge/own the feelings you're having vs. "stuffing them down" and taking them out on your in-laws in some passive-aggressive way. You can't help how you feel and I'm tired of people judging others for their feelings. People can control their words and actions, not their feelings. Honestly, if I were in your situation I'm sure I would have similar thoughts/feelings. On the other hand, it's completely understandable for your in-laws to have the feelings they are having, too.

On similar note, if you are up for it, therapy could be helpful and might be something to consider depending on the level of distress you feel.

[Anonymous]

"WHAT IT MEANS TO BE STUCK IN GRIEF Experiencing grief after a loss is normal and can last months for some people and years for others. However, individuals can begin feeling stuck in grief when the signs of grief seem to never end and begin to take center stage of one’s life."

https://heartlandtherapyconnection.com/feeling-stuck-in-grief-how-to-continue-life-after-loss


I think a grief support group might be more helpful than an individual therapist.
https://www.wendtcenter.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 54 years old.

My mom died of cancer only 7 months after diagnosis in 1999.
She was only 51 (she died in the spring and didn't live to celebrate her 52nd birthday in the fall).

My dad died in 2008, aged only 64, after 3 years of illness with advanced diabetes, foot and leg ulcers, gangrene, osteomyelitis, a series of mini strokes (TIAs), and eventually a bacterial infection which turned into sepsis, which killed him.

I have no siblings so I had no immediate, close blood relatives to share my grief and my memories with. Yes, aunts and uncles but it's not the same.

Is it normal to feel annoyed and sad when other people are falling apart over their very elderly parents' or relatives' poor health, or when they've died?
My DH and his siblings are like this with MIL, who is 93 and has dementia. She lives in her own house and she receives a lot of support from her adult children and from private caregivers.

MIL is now 40+ years older than my mom was when she died. I didn't get to spend all these extra years with mom (and dad). We never got to celebrate all the milestones in our lives and theirs after they passed at 51 and 54.
It feels so unfair.

Is it normal to feel this way? I feel I am still struggling with the loss of my parents. It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ...

I've tried to explain how I feel to my husband. He acknowledges my feelings and he says he understands, but does he?
He still has a mom.

Your H can feel for you and you can feel for him. No two lives are equal but you can be sympathetic if not empathic.

[Anonymous]

My parents died when I was in my early 20s. They never met my husband and our children. I am also an only child with no cousins or other family.

When my parents died, my friends tried to be supportive. My husband has both parents living and also tries to be understanding. They just don't really understand the grief until they go through it themselves. Some of my friends who are now losing their parents (I am mid 50s) have told me they don't understand how I didn't have parents for so long. That helped me a lot. Losing your parents-- assuming there was some goodness to the relationships-- is always painful. Your struggle may be that no one around you truly understood when you lost your parents and you have carried that grief for a long time by yourself. I don't want to see my friends or husband hurting over the loss of their parents, but I admit to myself that their understanding of my grief 30+ years later helped me.

Wishing you peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 54 years old.

My mom died of cancer only 7 months after diagnosis in 1999.
She was only 51 (she died in the spring and didn't live to celebrate her 52nd birthday in the fall).

My dad died in 2008, aged only 64, after 3 years of illness with advanced diabetes, foot and leg ulcers, gangrene, osteomyelitis, a series of mini strokes (TIAs), and eventually a bacterial infection which turned into sepsis, which killed him.

I have no siblings so I had no immediate, close blood relatives to share my grief and my memories with. Yes, aunts and uncles but it's not the same.

Is it normal to feel annoyed and sad when other people are falling apart over their very elderly parents' or relatives' poor health, or when they've died?
My DH and his siblings are like this with MIL, who is 93 and has dementia. She lives in her own house and she receives a lot of support from her adult children and from private caregivers.

MIL is now 40+ years older than my mom was when she died. I didn't get to spend all these extra years with mom (and dad). We never got to celebrate all the milestones in our lives and theirs after they passed at 51 and 54.
It feels so unfair.

Is it normal to feel this way? I feel I am still struggling with the loss of my parents. It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ...

I've tried to explain how I feel to my husband. He acknowledges my feelings and he says he understands, but does he?
He still has a mom.

Your grief is your grief. Whenever young people close to me have died, I look at all the waste of space people and wonder why they are alive when good people die. I feel that all the time when I see GOP leaders. Why is Putin alive? Why is Trump alive? Ted Cruz? Mike Getz? George Santos? All the NRA bulldog bimbos? This is normal. Just vent on the anonymous forum.

Only the good die young.

[Anonymous]

If you have loving parents, their loss will shatter you. If your parents are aholes, you will be ok after they die. Which would you prefer?