Feeling hurt when other people fall apart over their elderly ailing parents while mine died young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

What is your plan to seek closure, OP?

We cannot change the past but can impact the present and future.

Do you feel you are supporting your husband and ILs at a difficult time? Do you wish you could? If they had a job loss or house fire, nothing to do with health or parents, would you be compassionate then? Or is that not possible for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

This.

OP, give the Wendt Center a call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

OP again.
I have never sought treatment or therapy in my life.
I was brought up to deal with your problems without leaning on others, or asking for help (unless it was a serious and urgent situation).

I was born in 1968 and therapy or councelling wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. It was kind of frowned upon in my family.
My dad's side of the family were a little more open and more communicative, but my mom's side were not, and problems/emotions were dealt with within each nuclear family unit. You wouldn't really seek help from outside.

Well, OP, you can start a new tradition. Since your approach has not seemed to bring you any closure (by your own account) in 23 years, try a bereavement support group.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are your feelings. You are entitled to them.
The other people you are talking about are also entitled to theier feelings.

That said, what did I read on DCUM once? Jokingly said: You aren't allowed to complain about the kids jumping on the bed because my kids dont have any legs!".

I don't mean to be mean, but not everything is about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

OP again.
I have never sought treatment or therapy in my life.
I was brought up to deal with your problems without leaning on others, or asking for help (unless it was a serious and urgent situation).

I was born in 1968 and therapy or councelling wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. It was kind of frowned upon in my family.
My dad's side of the family were a little more open and more communicative, but my mom's side were not, and problems/emotions were dealt with within each nuclear family unit. You wouldn't really seek help from outside.

I was born in 1968 too. And although my dad frowned on therapy, I decided I'd do it myself in grad school because I didn't need his approval or his money to do it. I've been in therapy off and on over the years, and know plenty of people of our generation who have done the same. You're 54/55, not 95. It's not too late to get professional help for something that is clearly a problem for you. You don't have to repeat negative and unhelpful patterns from your family upbringing, especially notions as misguided as people should never seek help from outside their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 54 years old.

My mom died of cancer only 7 months after diagnosis in 1999.
She was only 51 (she died in the spring and didn't live to celebrate her 52nd birthday in the fall).

My dad died in 2008, aged only 64, after 3 years of illness with advanced diabetes, foot and leg ulcers, gangrene, osteomyelitis, a series of mini strokes (TIAs), and eventually a bacterial infection which turned into sepsis, which killed him.

I have no siblings so I had no immediate, close blood relatives to share my grief and my memories with. Yes, aunts and uncles but it's not the same.

Is it normal to feel annoyed and sad when other people are falling apart over their very elderly parents' or relatives' poor health, or when they've died?
My DH and his siblings are like this with MIL, who is 93 and has dementia. She lives in her own house and she receives a lot of support from her adult children and from private caregivers.

MIL is now 40+ years older than my mom was when she died. I didn't get to spend all these extra years with mom (and dad). We never got to celebrate all the milestones in our lives and theirs after they passed at 51 and 54.
It feels so unfair.

Is it normal to feel this way? I feel I am still struggling with the loss of my parents. It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ...

I've tried to explain how I feel to my husband. He acknowledges my feelings and he says he understands, but does he?
He still has a mom.

As someone who understands grief, OP, what are you doing to support HIM at this time?

It feels like a chapter in my life that was never finished, or like a book that is only half written ...

You have spent almost half of your life with this seeming to not only define you by your own terms but with it impacting what kind of spouse and friend you are. Instead of your experience allowing you to identify with and extend compassion to the grief stricken, at a very difficult time you try to shift your grieving spouse's attention to YOU. Is this really the kind of person you want to be? You have not actually taken actions to seek closure. Join a bereavement group and learn how common your feelings are and also how to also move on.

[Anonymous]

No, I can't relate to this at all. My parents were 55 and 59 when they passed. I don't think about my situation when my friends or acquaintances are going through something like this. I actually feel bad for them. However, I do sometimes randomly think about how people I know still have their parents and they are active, outgoing, and have a close relationship with the grandkids. I feel a little jealous, I wish I had that. My kids were 5 ad a few weeks old when my first parent died and still little when the other died.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you just have to fake it. I don't have much compassion in these situations either but I don't want to hurt people's feelings so I act like it's such a terrible tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you just have to fake it. I don't have much compassion in these situations either but I don't want to hurt people's feelings so I act like it's such a terrible tragedy.

Ouch. The sarcasm really comes through the screen, and I bet it does in real life, too.

No one is saying that a 95YO dying is a tragedy. It's still sad, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you just have to fake it. I don't have much compassion in these situations either but I don't want to hurt people's feelings so I act like it's such a terrible tragedy.

Ouch. The sarcasm really comes through the screen, and I bet it does in real life, too.

No one is saying that a 95YO dying is a tragedy. It's still sad, though.

In general, death at 95 by natural causes is not a tragedy, but when it’s your mother, it is a tragedy to you, and that warrants compassion from your spouse.

[Anonymous]

I get you, OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you just have to fake it. I don't have much compassion in these situations either but I don't want to hurt people's feelings so I act like it's such a terrible tragedy.

Ouch. The sarcasm really comes through the screen, and I bet it does in real life, too.

No one is saying that a 95YO dying is a tragedy. It's still sad, though.

I guess loss is always sad for us human beings. But some losses feel much more cruel and unfair. The comparison is really hard to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

I am genuinely sorry for your losses.

I do understand how it might sting. However, if the people having these discussions with you are good friends, and their issues with their aging parents are significant, I think you have to put those negative feelings aside and be supportive.

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying. I am one of the posters who complains about an elderly parent. My very close friend lost her joyful, wonderful mother when she was pregnant with her first child. She went through her pregnancy grieving. I am on the other end, with a parent that is cruel, emotionally and physically abusive to me & I am her caretaker. I often question why she is still here in her 90s yet my friend’s mother is not, and she was a beautiful person.

I guess we have to accept what life deals us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you just have to fake it. I don't have much compassion in these situations either but I don't want to hurt people's feelings so I act like it's such a terrible tragedy.

Ouch. The sarcasm really comes through the screen, and I bet it does in real life, too.

No one is saying that a 95YO dying is a tragedy. It's still sad, though.

I guess loss is always sad for us human beings. But some losses feel much more cruel and unfair. The comparison is really hard to reconcile.

So don't compare them.