Feeling hurt when other people fall apart over their elderly ailing parents while mine died young

[Anonymous]

You can be jealous if the relationship is still positive despite the elder's failing health and the caretaking stress involved.

But I don't think you can complain if the relationship between an adult and their elderly parent becomes toxic.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's normal for you to feel this way Op. Is that really why you posted?

[Anonymous]

It is not normal to feel that way. Are you a narcissist op?

[Anonymous]

1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

[Anonymous]

Normal people would not even think such thought, let alone be upset over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are feeling is normal, but it doesn't have anything to do with you husband and how he should feel about his mom. That's his business. You lost your mom suddenly; he I'd losing his by inches. Is one really better than the other as far as effect on the child.
You may want to address your hurt with a therapist, but it is not the person who is currently losing their parents job to help you by muting their pain.

+1
This is 100 percent something for you to work out. It is not on anyone else to minimize their grief for you.

There are people like OP who always have to begrudge others their feelings, bcs THEIR own feelings are worse, or they had it worse, in their opinion, that is.
The problematic part here is that OP think her DH and other people are not entitled to feel bad/fall apart about something, but she feels it is ok for her to begrudge them their emotions bcs she had it worse. Insanity.
She is telling her husband that she cannot be upset bcs SHE had it worse and making the bad situation about herself. When does her martyrdom stop? Never, bcs she might be a narc.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, things like this are hard. We're humans and not robots so its ok to feel these feelings. A different scenario but when my Mom died it was the same week that a popular celebrity died. People were posting all over social media about how devastating it was. I was like WTF- how will your life change? My actual mother just died! But more than one thing can be true- I could be grieving my mother and they can be shocked at a celebrity death. It's hard not to feel the gut punch though.

[Anonymous]

Feelings aren’t logical. So you don’t have to beat yourself up for having them.

But of course you have no idea what other people are experiencing. Maybe their parent has been abusive for 70 years and now they have to take away time from their own children to take care of them in their dementia. (Ask me how I know.) You would have loved extra years with your parents, but not everyone’s extra years are good.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am sorry for your losses, but your grief over losing your parents young and your spouse/friends’ challenges and grief over caring for elders is not connected.

It’s similar to mourning a series of miscarriages in your 20s and 30s that left you ultimately childless and then complaining about your friends for expressing grief and challenges coordinating care for their special needs young adult children. Because at least they got to have kids.

Two separate things. Both things are hard.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal for you to feel that it’s unfair that some people are 75 years old and still have a living parent, meanwhile, you lost both of yours in your 30s. Both of your parents passed well before reaching average life expectancy range, so it’s totally normal to feel that you (and they) were cheated. It’s even normal to feel you’ve had it worse than other people.

What’s not normal is not having compassion for someone losing a much-loved parent. That is a raw, primal pain no matter how it happens. Are some deaths more tragic than others? Yes, of course. But losing your mother hurts, even if she has lived an incredibly healthy, happy, fulfilling, charmed life and passes peacefully in her sleep at 105. Everyone would like one more hug, one more conversation when they lose a loved one, no matter how many they got during their lifetime. There’s something about a parent’s death that unmoors you.

Your husband is suffering and could use compassion in his grief regardless of whether you’ve suffered more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal people would not even think such thought, let alone be upset over it.

My first thought was since when is there a competition, or rankings, for grief??

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, I get it, but it's best to keep those thoughts to yourself. Sharing them isn't productive, especially if you're sharing with a person currently dealing with aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Totally ok, OP. I can completely understand your grief and sense of bitterness. We are only human and can’t help what we feel sometimes. Sending you good thoughts ❤️

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to feel sad, but not to feel annoyed. You're acting like your grief is somehow more valid, and that's nonsense.