BIL brought dog that growls at children to Christmas dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

Sorry, when I said "it was a ridiculous statement" I mean your SIL's was.

My understanding of gaslighting is that it involves intentional lying, and I think it's possible your SIL is in deep denial about the danger of this dog. So, I was saying it might or might not be gaslighting but her statement was 100% wrong and you were right to be upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your husband say OP?

He thinks the dogs behavior is dangerous but he doesn't want to cut off ties with family. Other than having them over for coffee, I don't know what kind of relationship they can have with their grandmother if BIL thinks he can show up with a dangerous dog. It would take a wall of text to explain, but MIL has problems herself. Has lost custody of her kids. Drug issues. I think I have legitimate reason to think the kids are not safe around the in-laws outside our residence.

The people saying it's not my AirBnB do I don't get to make the rules are giving me alot of insight into their behavior.

And there it is. You have big issues in general with your inlaws. Are you asking him to cut off ties with his family? You really think that there is no way for your kids to have a relationship with their grandmother because their uncle brought a dog around twice?

OP this is about a LOT more than the dog.

[Anonymous]

If he lives locally the answer is to tell him clearly "no dog" next time and that if he brings the dog he will have to take it back home...and actually follow through.

If he doesn't live locally, I suppose you can either clear out a room for the dog to be put in or book a nearby pet friendly hotel and demand he take it there for the dinner time (which I don't now know if you can afford or if he can afford or if this is logistically possible). You could also provide him with names of dog sitters or service local to you. Ask if he wants that as his Christmas gift.

It is super awkward and awful feeling, but you always have the right to say "I am sorry but your dog can't come in." You can also say "you can't tie it up on my property or leave it in the car because it's too cold for that and I can't have my neighbors reporting it, because they will."

It really sucks when a-holes do things that put people in positions to respond in ways that make them feel like they are jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

This usage of gaslighting is always interesting to me. So, when someone has a different view of a situation than you do, and expresses it, they are gaslighting? When someone disagrees with your risk assessment, it is gaslighting?
Basically any act or behavior that does not reaffirm your own feelings and beliefs is gaslighting, and therefore "emotional abuse"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

I'm the PP you're responding to and I was referring to OP telling people in this thread to "stop gaslighting" in the comment I was responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

Maybe you were gaslighting her for trying to make her feel like the dog was a menace when clearly it was not?

See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

This usage of gaslighting is always interesting to me. So, when someone has a different view of a situation than you do, and expresses it, they are gaslighting? When someone disagrees with your risk assessment, it is gaslighting?
Basically any act or behavior that does not reaffirm your own feelings and beliefs is gaslighting, and therefore "emotional abuse"?

Gaslighting is lying + trying to make the target feel crazy/make them doubt their own frame of reference/grasp of reality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

This usage of gaslighting is always interesting to me. So, when someone has a different view of a situation than you do, and expresses it, they are gaslighting? When someone disagrees with your risk assessment, it is gaslighting?
Basically any act or behavior that does not reaffirm your own feelings and beliefs is gaslighting, and therefore "emotional abuse"?

OP is just one of those obnoxious twits who jumps onto every new phrase without actually understanding it (or probably much of anything). Gaslighting is manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. That was clearly not the situation here.

BIL does should not bring the dog, obviously. But OP is definitely over the top absurd. Report the dog for....acting like a dog? Dogs growl in warning. Be glad you know the dog doesn't want to be around kids and should be separate. it's the dogs who don't warn that are a danger. Stop calling it a dangerous dog it has never actually done anything wrong--that's like calling someone dangerous or a criminal because they yelled at you instead of punching you in the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

Maybe you were gaslighting her for trying to make her feel like the dog was a menace when clearly it was not?

See how that works?

A dog that growls at children is dangerous esp to kids esp in closed quarters with 8 of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

This usage of gaslighting is always interesting to me. So, when someone has a different view of a situation than you do, and expresses it, they are gaslighting? When someone disagrees with your risk assessment, it is gaslighting?
Basically any act or behavior that does not reaffirm your own feelings and beliefs is gaslighting, and therefore "emotional abuse"?

Gaslighting is lying + trying to make the target feel crazy/make them doubt their own frame of reference/grasp of reality

So what happens when two people legitimately have a different frame of reference and view of reality? Are they both gaslighting eachother?

The requirement of a lie helps a little bit....but only if the lie is about something that is objectively true or false....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

How else is she going to be the martyred center of attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he lives locally the answer is to tell him clearly "no dog" next time and that if he brings the dog he will have to take it back home...and actually follow through.

If he doesn't live locally, I suppose you can either clear out a room for the dog to be put in or book a nearby pet friendly hotel and demand he take it there for the dinner time (which I don't now know if you can afford or if he can afford or if this is logistically possible). You could also provide him with names of dog sitters or service local to you. Ask if he wants that as his Christmas gift.

It is super awkward and awful feeling, but you always have the right to say "I am sorry but your dog can't come in." You can also say "you can't tie it up on my property or leave it in the car because it's too cold for that and I can't have my neighbors reporting it, because they will."

It really sucks when a-holes do things that put people in positions to respond in ways that make them feel like they are jerks.

He was clearly told no and brought it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

1. I was extremely mad and not in the mood to enjoy dinner with irresponsible @holes
2. Had I not pitched a fit he may have tried to sneak the dog in. He had repeatedly shown sneaking behavior and disregard to parental preferences.

Look, I'm not saying the guy was in the right to bring his dog. He likely wasn't. But you made the choice to let it ruin your day.

I will absolutely not be gaslighted about safety issues around my children. If that constitutes letting it ruin my day, so be it.

No one is gaslighting you. In fact, it seems to very much be the other way around. There is not a safety issue here. There is the POTENTIAL for a safety issue, but your actual issue is that you're mad at your husband's family for not kowtowing to your "parental preferences."

Any reputable source on dog behavior will tell you a dog that growls at children is dangerous around children. Stop gaslighting. Gaslighting is narcissistic abuse. I'm not having it from anybody.

DP. I'm on your side that the dog should not be around children but accusing people of gaslighting for pointing out that a dog tied up outside isn't going to hurt your children inside makes you seem off your rocker. No one is gaslighting or abusing you on this website.

She didn't say that it was gaslighting when her SIL said the dog was tied up. She said it was gaslighting when SIL said that at Thanksgiving when the dog was growling at toddlers and being physically disciplined for doing so (which is how you train dogs to attack toddlers) the dog wasn't dangerous because it wasn't a pitbull.

I'm not sure I agree that it's gaslighting, but it's a ridiculous statement. I'm the PP whose goddaughter was attacked, and that dog was not a pitbull. Child ended up with 100s of stitches, and multiple surgeries even though the owner pulled him off in the first minute.

It was gaslighting because she (tried) to make me feel like I'm being a hysterical a-hole for acting like the dog is dangerous when it clearly is.

Maybe you were gaslighting her for trying to make her feel like the dog was a menace when clearly it was not?

See how that works?

A dog that growls at children is dangerous esp to kids esp in closed quarters with 8 of them

So let's say SIL didn't perceive it to be growling. She perceived it to be grunty playful dog noises, or a growl of discomfort with the children messing with it. That was her perception. Was OP gaslighting her for trying to convince her the dog was a menace?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Report the dog for what?

Stop hosting. Or if you host, tell the BIL that the dog is not welcome in the house. Give plenty of notice in writing: “We’re looking forward to you joining us. To be clear, there will be no dogs inside the house at any point. If that means you’re unable to come, we understand.”

The nuclear option you need to enact is with your spouse. If BIL shows up with the dog, tell your spouse that the dog goes back home or you’re heading out to the nearest Starbucks with a book.

+1. Your BIL shouldn’t have brought the dog, but you would be both a monster and an idiot if you tried to report it for growling at a child sometime last week in your home. Don’t host and stop with martyr complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH claims he explicitly told BIL no dog. Dog ended up being tied up in the freezing cold but BIL still seemed eager to bring the dog in. There were eight kids under 12 in attendance, including two toddlers and two babies.

Previous experience with this dog was Thanksgiving dinner where he brought it without permission and no warning it growls at children. For about the first hour BIL would pin the dog to the floor whenever it growled at a child. As time passed and the dog seemed to relax, BIL helped himself to the dinner I cooked and stopped monitoring the dog, so I was left frantically trying to carry a 20 pound baby around while keeping between the f--king dog and my toddler. DH said "What do you want, I'm eating!". SIL gaslighted me saying "It's not a pitbull".

No apology forthcoming. Clearly he and the other in-laws don't think he did anything wrong.

I am considering the nuclear option and reporting the dog to the city. If I did that I would be the big bad meanie forever of the family. Amazingly, BIL is a licensed childcare provider and works in a public school as some kind of an aid for people with special needs.

Is it an over-reaction to report the dog?

So let me get this straight. A month ago this dog growled at children. Every person there, including your DH was not concerned. Given that there were 8 kids there, I assume that the parents of these kids were not concerned. And nobody was hurt.
A few days ago you were at a separate event where the dog was kept outside. No growling and no incident.

What is the issue?

The first event I was hosting and it was only my children. He lied and said he asked permission. He did not.

Second event was the Airbnb potluck. He would have brought the dog into the house with 8 kids had I not thrown a tempter tantrum. Ironically I did leave with the baby and had McDonald's for Christmas dinner, after cooking for an hour and running errands getting last minute items for the group dinner. My husband stayed with the two olders but the whole event was ruined for us.

So he brings the dog, you tell him the dog can't be around the children, so the dog stays outside the whole time. Yet you leave and eat McDonalds anyway? It certainly didn't have to be ruined at all. You chose to let it be ruined.

How else is she going to be the martyred center of attention?

I'm happy to be the martyr. 0 kids bitten. I went home and watched Bad Moms Christmas edition