How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need a gut check.

My DD is getting married next week. I have 4 close girlfriends. We see each other weekly & have done so for 20+ years (all our kids are now grown); we take trips together, have a group text, and generally are a fun & drama-free set (which I've always found remarkable). All 4 friends have known about DD's wedding for well over a year, and we've continually talked about how exciting it all will be.

This is about 1 of those friends, whom I'll call Sue. When the RSVP date came & passed late last month, and my DD hadn't received the RSVP card from Sue, I called Sue to double check that both she & her DH would be coming. I thought it was a pro forma call, since we'd talked about my DD's wedding for so long, and she'd offered to help. She said she wouldn't be coming. Another friend (from her workplace) was getting married on the same day at the same time, and she felt she needed to go to that other wedding, because she'd helped introduce the couple.

I explained I was hurt and disappointed, and I needed some time to process. She immediately changed course, said she had made a certain calculus, and she'd felt wrong about it. So then she said she would be coming to my DD's wedding, but her husband would go to the other person's wedding. Okay.

Next (sorry this is long), she called me again earlier this week. She talked about splitting the day for herself - coming to my DD's ceremony & then driving an hour to the other person's reception. I was confused, and I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I thought we'd talked it all out. She'd known about my DD's wedding first, we've been incredibly close for over 20 years, and she'd already said she'd be there. My DD paid the final deposit, etc. (not that it's about money, but just a point of fact). After we talked for half an hour, she said she'd stay at my DD's wedding for a few hours...and I reiterated that I wanted to be sure this was something she wanted to do. Yes, it was. Again, okay.

Then I get a text a few days ago. She wrote that her DH was putting his foot down (something he actually wouldn't have done), and she regretted not being able to be in two places at one time, but she was only going to attend the other wedding. WTAF?

I texted back something along the lines of...seriously? I texted that she was going to do what she was going to do, nothing much I could say, but I clearly understood where I stand in terms of her feelings about our friendship.

Since then, radio silence. The painful part is we're all part of a group, and I don't care to introduce drama to it. The other friends & I will all be at my DD's wedding. I'm sure Sue and I will still be together quite a lot. But I have zero interest in opening up to her again in any honest fashion, I don't care to extend much grace to her, and I'm hurt. Am I wrong here? What am I missing? Did I apply to much pressure by being honest about how I felt? If you were me, would you brush it off? Please help me figure this out.

I feel you bullied her in attending and now are upset that she isn't going just because you were trying to force her. This is about your daughter. Not your best friend. In the very beginning I would have accepted her choice and said have fun, we will miss you and then let it go.

You are one who Sue should be upset with. Now you are acting like an entitled baby willing to throw a 20 year friendship over ghis.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a pretty big deal for someone to attend the wedding of a couple they help set up- that’s a very personal thing. I would expect any friend of mine to attend that wedding over my child’s wedding. I wouldn’t care if my closest friend’s didn’t attend my kid’s weddings because it’s just not that big of a deal at the end of the day.

I bet your friend’s husband was annoyed and stressed that she was stressed trying to find a way to make both weddings work and he probably did put his foot down and say- this is insane.

I wouldn’t let this ruin your friendship and I would extend grace and empathy to your friend- not vitriol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s F’ed up on her part. She knew well in advance about your daughter’s wedding.

OP wouldn't take no for an answer. She badgered her friend and the friend tried to make her happy but couldn't physically be on two places at once.

[Anonymous]

When you were talking with your friends earlier did you talk in a way that assumed that they would be attending. Leaving them feeling pressured and obligated to go. Was it frequently the focus of conversation. Did it never occur to you that they may have other people in their life that they are closer to than your daughter? Or that their spouse may have other places they wish to be.

You are behaving poorly. The focus on this one day may cost you the closeness of all of your friends. You risk parting with them all with your reaction.

[Anonymous]

Congrats on your DD's wedding! I hope you have a wonderful time. I bet your friend feels terrible she will miss it and will feel sad once all the photos come out etc. It sounds like she really tried to find a solution but is under a great deal of pressure from people at her workplace (who influence her livelihood in a very direct way) and her DH.

It doesn't sounds to me like she's rejecting you but is simply stuck between a rock and a hard place. You're torturing yourself and your friend for no reason. Be a good friend and give her some grace. Ask if there's another way for her to "see your daughter off" to marriage; offer to host another pre or post wedding brunch or BBQ for those who couldn't make it, etc. Friendship is about making your friends lives richer and easier and better, not about putting on pressure and keeping score.

I hope you can relax and have a great time celebrating this new phase in your lives and all that is to come.

[Anonymous]

These aren't just "people at her workplace." These are FRIENDS and both you and op are trivializing that. It makes op sound very self-centered. The fact that Sue's husband may have gone alone to theri wedding tells you that they're not just Sue's coworkers. This is a close friendship that Op clearly resents.

[Anonymous]

I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this is a rarity where I have *less* sympathy with the OP than the rest of DCUM. I’m shocked you gave her such a hard time (repeatedly!) with the fact she said no in the first place and honestly think you owe her an apology of acting as if your friendship was conditional on her attendance at a specific event. You seem to be acting as if she did something wrong and *still* owes you an apology while she seems to have been more than gracious with your pushiness. When you reach back out, I would lead with an apology of giving her a hard time rather than your rather condescending messsge of forgiveness. I’m astonished your friend still picks up your calls tbh.

^^ THIS

I'm sorry, OP, I understand you're disappointed, but from the get-go, a simple "so sorry you can't be there" response would have been the most appropriate. Not constant badgering when you didn't like her decision. She reversed course due to your guilting pressure, and for that, I do fault her for not standing firm. However, when she informed you later that she couldn't be present for the whole thing, you badgered her yet again. And then again later.

I'd also be radio silent if I received your text response ("seriously?") to a decision I tried to tell you several times but you wouldn't accept.

Agree with PP that extending an apology makes sense if you'd like to continue the friendship.

+1

Op, you need to reach out and apologize to your friend. You are in the thick of being a mom-zilla right now. It’s not too late to recognize this and change.
Op, you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

Given the way op is reacting, it's clear that Op has been obsessively talking about this wedding for a long time and had sort of called dibs on her friends' time, probably before invitations went out. I agree that Sue should've been direct and firm and less wishy-washy, but I can also understand from op's reaction that it may not have mattered. Just look at some of her early posts. Over the top.

[Anonymous]

This is weird to me. It's not your wedding, it's your daughter's wedding. I'm assuming your friends are invited because you paid for it? Otherwise, it's not important that they be there. As a bride, my MILs friends were not invited. They aren't my friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised that so many people think you are overreacting. This is your daughters wedding! I would absolutely expect at least an RSVP and sincere regrets from my best friend. Maybe we're from the same cultural background or something, but this is a big deal. I get it. It sucks that she never RSVP'd and left you hanging in the first place. Who does that!? That in itself tells me a little bit about her as a person. Weddings are notorious for revealing true colors and relationship realities. I don't think she sees your friendship like you do. Please just let this go and chalk it up as a lesson learned about your friend. Have a great time at your daughter's wedding!

[Anonymous]

I wonder how the op first told her friend's about the wedding:

"Dh and I are so excited that Larla is getting married in the Fall and will be hosting the wedding for the happy couple. We'd be honored if you would join us in this important celebration for our family."

Did you ever say anything like that, op? Or did you just presume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird to me. It's not your wedding, it's your daughter's wedding. I'm assuming your friends are invited because you paid for it? Otherwise, it's not important that they be there. As a bride, my MILs friends were not invited. They aren't my friends.

I think you and OP may be from different backgrounds or regions in the country. Where I'm from this is a very big deal and I totally get why she's upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised that so many people think you are overreacting. This is your daughters wedding! I would absolutely expect at least an RSVP and sincere regrets from my best friend. Maybe we're from the same cultural background or something, but this is a big deal. I get it. It sucks that she never RSVP'd and left you hanging in the first place. Who does that!? That in itself tells me a little bit about her as a person. Weddings are notorious for revealing true colors and relationship realities. I don't think she sees your friendship like you do. Please just let this go and chalk it up as a lesson learned about your friend. Have a great time at your daughter's wedding!

It’s funny because I thought the friend’s behavior shows that OP must be so overbearing. When she did finally get the nerve to say she wouldn’t come, look what happened? She should have been more up front, agreed, but I don’t think OP would have said “thanks for letting us know; we’ll miss you.” OP would have done exactly what she did.