How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

Her being a coward is not baseless the OP lost her mind for her not attending.

Please explain how OP saying “I’m hurt and disappointed” is losing her mind. What is it with you posters that think expressing disappointment is akin to a hysterical meltdown?

She started a thread on here. That is not normal hurt and disappointment. Nice attempt at gaslighting. Try harder next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

Her being a coward is not baseless the OP lost her mind for her not attending.

Please explain how OP saying “I’m hurt and disappointed” is losing her mind. What is it with you posters that think expressing disappointment is akin to a hysterical meltdown?

DP- OP posted because she thought this was a friendship-ending move on Sue’s part. A 20 year, very close friendship, ended becaise of this. That is losing your mind.

+1. OP did indeed lose it.

[Anonymous]

That is not losing her mind. The friendship is NOT what Op thought. The friend is not a desirable friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need a gut check.

My DD is getting married next week. I have 4 close girlfriends. We see each other weekly & have done so for 20+ years (all our kids are now grown); we take trips together, have a group text, and generally are a fun & drama-free set (which I've always found remarkable). All 4 friends have known about DD's wedding for well over a year, and we've continually talked about how exciting it all will be.

This is about 1 of those friends, whom I'll call Sue. When the RSVP date came & passed late last month, and my DD hadn't received the RSVP card from Sue, I called Sue to double check that both she & her DH would be coming. I thought it was a pro forma call, since we'd talked about my DD's wedding for so long, and she'd offered to help. She said she wouldn't be coming. Another friend (from her workplace) was getting married on the same day at the same time, and she felt she needed to go to that other wedding, because she'd helped introduce the couple.

I explained I was hurt and disappointed, and I needed some time to process. She immediately changed course, said she had made a certain calculus, and she'd felt wrong about it. So then she said she would be coming to my DD's wedding, but her husband would go to the other person's wedding. Okay.

Next (sorry this is long), she called me again earlier this week. She talked about splitting the day for herself - coming to my DD's ceremony & then driving an hour to the other person's reception. I was confused, and I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I thought we'd talked it all out. She'd known about my DD's wedding first, we've been incredibly close for over 20 years, and she'd already said she'd be there. My DD paid the final deposit, etc. (not that it's about money, but just a point of fact). After we talked for half an hour, she said she'd stay at my DD's wedding for a few hours...and I reiterated that I wanted to be sure this was something she wanted to do. Yes, it was. Again, okay.

Then I get a text a few days ago. She wrote that her DH was putting his foot down (something he actually wouldn't have done), and she regretted not being able to be in two places at one time, but she was only going to attend the other wedding. WTAF?

I texted back something along the lines of...seriously? I texted that she was going to do what she was going to do, nothing much I could say, but I clearly understood where I stand in terms of her feelings about our friendship.

Since then, radio silence. The painful part is we're all part of a group, and I don't care to introduce drama to it. The other friends & I will all be at my DD's wedding. I'm sure Sue and I will still be together quite a lot. But I have zero interest in opening up to her again in any honest fashion, I don't care to extend much grace to her, and I'm hurt. Am I wrong here? What am I missing? Did I apply to much pressure by being honest about how I felt? If you were me, would you brush it off? Please help me figure this out.

My take is that Sue doesn't have a spine and just kept going with whoever pushed her harder and put more pressure on her. So I suspect the person with the other wedding put more pressure on her than you did. She didn't base her decision on how much she cares about anyone, just on who she thought she could afford to piss off more. Because you and her have been close for so long, it looks like she thought she had more room to disappoint you than the other person. A crummy way to make this decision for sure and it doesn't excuse her. I don't blame you for being upset.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I think it's most likely this dynamic.

What's hurtful is that it sounds like Sue has repeatedly not been honest. OP, I don't think sharing your feelings with a friend of several decades is "pressuring" someone; that's what friends do. It's not like you threatened her. That said, if the PP is right about why Sue made the choice she did, she doesn't see her behavior as personally hurtful to you, even though it is. Hence, radio silence.

[Anonymous]

This sucks, and I would be disappointed, but I would never end a friendship over it. One of my close friends (roommate from grad school) missed my wedding, despite getting our save-the-date first and telling us (informally) that she would be there, because in the intervening time one of her best friends from growing up scheduled her wedding the same weekend. She was maid of honor in the other friend's wedding and it took priority for her. I was hurt but I understood that she was in a tough spot. My wedding was definitely way more fun and she still mentions occasionally how much she regrets missing it!

Anyway, in this case, it's your daughter's wedding, not even yours. I get wanting your BFFs there but I think you overreacted. Think about how many kids there are between the four of you - is everyone expected to be at every kid's wedding, no exceptions? After the wedding, I think you should reach out and say no hard feelings, you were hurt in the moment and wedding stress caused you to overreact, and you hope you can both shake it off and move on.

[Anonymous]

We have had three weddings so far for three of our daughters. With each wedding we invited fewer and fewer of our friends. The thinking is: it’s not our wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not losing her mind. The friendship is NOT what Op thought. The friend is not a desirable friend.

Agree. Friend knew of OP daughter wedding and was too chicken to be honest with her that she's prefer to go to a coworker's wedding instead. And I don't care that she introducted the couple. Big nothing. Don't you make introductions all the time? This was not a BFF that she set up with DH's frat brother or something. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had three weddings so far for three of our daughters. With each wedding we invited fewer and fewer of our friends. The thinking is: it’s not our wedding.

Bravo for you! Sad that your children and friends are so detached. OP was not asking to invite her entire contact list to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not losing her mind. The friendship is NOT what Op thought. The friend is not a desirable friend.

You’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

I care about this exactly 0%.

[Anonymous]

It's not worth getting upset about. I hope you can let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would also be very upset at this.

She knew about your daughter’s wedding before yet she is choosing to attend another person’s wedding!?

A good friend is one who shows up.

If she cannot be bothered to show up to the wedding > then you cannot be bothered by being a friend to her.

[Anonymous]

In my culture it's completely uncommon to invite the parents friends to a wedding. So I don't understand OP's problem. Why should my best friend which isn't a friend of DD attend her weddin? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Are you disappointed because you won't be able to brag about the wedding? Weddings of other people's kids suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would also be very upset at this.

She knew about your daughter’s wedding before yet she is choosing to attend another person’s wedding!?

A good friend is one who shows up.

If she cannot be bothered to show up to the wedding > then you cannot be bothered by being a friend to her.

You don’t understand that there are conflicts sometimes. That’s unimaginable to you.