How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

I think you can kiss that friendship good bye. This won’t be easy to come back from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your friendship is conditional on you always getting your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

+1 your DD's wedding does not center around your close group of friends.

[Anonymous]

You know that this is your daughter's wedding, not yours, right? Your daughter's big day, not yours? What kind of a relationship does this friend have with your daughter, you now, the one who's getting married? I would go to the marriage of the person that I'm closest with, which is probably not my friend's daughter, frankly. Remember it's your daughter getting married, not you. This is her special day, not yours. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

+1. When people are afraid to be honest with you, it’s worth considering why that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your friendship is conditional on you always getting your way.

Exactly. Op, it's clear the other person is a friend, not just a coworker, but you minimize her friendship to the other couple. This isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Your friendship can’t recover from this? Then you are doing your “friend” a favor.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of how my mother always talks about the random people she meets at the grocery store in my home town — remember so and so, their son XYZ was in your class in eighth grade… like fifteen minutes on this random encounter and I frankly don’t even remember the kid because it was 30 years ago!

OP, I don’t know if you’re one of these people who just feel very attached to what they feel is personally important to them and can’t conceive that what is important to others might be entirely different. This is your daughter’s day. In her mind it’s about herself and her husband-to-be and celebrating with her friends. Has she said anything to you about Sue? Does she even care? And why assume that Sue has to be there, I don’t quite get that… it would be one thing for me if my sister didn’t show to my daughter’s wedding because of a colleague, but I am not even sure I would think to invite my best friends nor would I particularly enjoy being part of a friend group where it was expected that I would attend every kid’s wedding.

[Anonymous]

If the woman in this friend group are OP’s only friends, she may have a difficult time understanding that her friends can have close friendships with other people that don’t involve OP.

[Anonymous]

This is your daughter's wedding. I didn't even have all of my close friends at my own wedding.

[Anonymous]

I say this as a 60 year old woman, myself: you are too old to care about this so much. Give her a little grace, you don’t know what is going on behind the scenes with her husband- there could be health problems, financial issues, marital trouble, etc. Let it go and return to the comfort of your former friendship- love abides.