How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP - as a neutral party and new poster, I think it would be more important to attend the wedding of a peer that I set up than the daughter of my closest friend. I get that you disagree here, but I think it highlights that logical people can disagree on priorities here.

Is it valid to be disappointed? Absolutely! But in all your hurt here, you are forgetting that she had a hard decision here too. I wouldn’t want to blow a decades long friendship over this - I’d acknowledge disappointment and then enjoy the guests that could be there.

Don’t go looking for problems…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your DD or her fiance even want YOUR friend to come?

Why is MIL (you) inviting her friends to her DD's wedding? That's odd. Is your husband inviting his friends to his DD's wedding?

My parents and in laws paid for our wedding. Of course they invited thier friends.

[Anonymous]

If the OP is still listening, I'll say with respect that I think she might be enmeshed with her girlfriends.

I agree with the PP about prioritizing the wedding of a peer that I set up over the daughter of my closest friend. It's a logical decision, and the OP's overreaction suggests -- at least to me -- the possibility that she does not healthy boundaries established between herself and her girlfriends. Might be worth exploring a little more.

Regardless, I do hope everything works out.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me wonder where the tipping point is that it’s not even worth an OP coming back to acknowledge they were wrong about something or provide clarifying information because too many people won’t bother to read the thread before offering their now-uninformed opinions. Page 2? 4? Probably not far beyond that.

[Anonymous]

^ OP updated pages ago.

[Anonymous]

and not wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and not wrong

Yes op you are in the wrong. You made your daughter's wedding about you.
You should have accepted the first no.
You are the whole here and I feel sorry for your friend and your daughter

[Anonymous]

OP has been pretty gracious in this thread (or at least she was, I think she stopped replying) and has admitted the stress of wedding planning etc got to her head a bit and that she plans on reaching back out to her friend as she has likely overblown the situation in her mind. The pile on is unnecessary.

I think friend doesn’t have much of a backbone and was afraid to disappoint anyone. She should have rsvpd no and been direct with her friend. Waiting for OP to call and then flip flopping back and forth is no good.

I also think OP should show her friend some grace. I’m sure she is already aware friend is a people pleaser who has issues saying no. She was paralyzed by fear of disappointing anyone. Definitely doesn’t have to be a friendship dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and not wrong

Yes op you are in the wrong. You made your daughter's wedding about you.
You should have accepted the first no.
You are the whole here and I feel sorry for your friend and your daughter

+1. I would cut off friendship with OP and her controlling ways.

Disagree. It’s not as though friend rsvpd no and then OP called to bully her, she said she was going verbally and then never sent the rsvp back! She needs to grow a pair and learn to say no.

Also think OP shouldn’t take it too personally and accept the no but friend is too old for this wish washy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and not wrong

Yes op you are in the wrong. You made your daughter's wedding about you.
You should have accepted the first no.
You are the whole here and I feel sorry for your friend and your daughter

+1. I would cut off friendship with OP and her controlling ways.

Disagree. It’s not as though friend rsvpd no and then OP called to bully her, she said she was going verbally and then never sent the rsvp back! She needs to grow a pair and learn to say no.

Also think OP shouldn’t take it too personally and accept the no but friend is too old for this wish washy behavior.

Let's agree to stop using "growing a pair of balls" to mean standing up for yourself. Sorry but, I am not a transman and I never plan to grow a pair of balls but, I do have ovaries that are pretty tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need a gut check.

My DD is getting married next week. I have 4 close girlfriends. We see each other weekly & have done so for 20+ years (all our kids are now grown); we take trips together, have a group text, and generally are a fun & drama-free set (which I've always found remarkable). All 4 friends have known about DD's wedding for well over a year, and we've continually talked about how exciting it all will be.

This is about 1 of those friends, whom I'll call Sue. When the RSVP date came & passed late last month, and my DD hadn't received the RSVP card from Sue, I called Sue to double check that both she & her DH would be coming. I thought it was a pro forma call, since we'd talked about my DD's wedding for so long, and she'd offered to help. She said she wouldn't be coming. Another friend (from her workplace) was getting married on the same day at the same time, and she felt she needed to go to that other wedding, because she'd helped introduce the couple.

I explained I was hurt and disappointed, and I needed some time to process. She immediately changed course, said she had made a certain calculus, and she'd felt wrong about it. So then she said she would be coming to my DD's wedding, but her husband would go to the other person's wedding. Okay.

Next (sorry this is long), she called me again earlier this week. She talked about splitting the day for herself - coming to my DD's ceremony & then driving an hour to the other person's reception. I was confused, and I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I thought we'd talked it all out. She'd known about my DD's wedding first, we've been incredibly close for over 20 years, and she'd already said she'd be there. My DD paid the final deposit, etc. (not that it's about money, but just a point of fact). After we talked for half an hour, she said she'd stay at my DD's wedding for a few hours...and I reiterated that I wanted to be sure this was something she wanted to do. Yes, it was. Again, okay.

Then I get a text a few days ago. She wrote that her DH was putting his foot down (something he actually wouldn't have done), and she regretted not being able to be in two places at one time, but she was only going to attend the other wedding. WTAF?

I texted back something along the lines of...seriously? I texted that she was going to do what she was going to do, nothing much I could say, but I clearly understood where I stand in terms of her feelings about our friendship.

Since then, radio silence. The painful part is we're all part of a group, and I don't care to introduce drama to it. The other friends & I will all be at my DD's wedding. I'm sure Sue and I will still be together quite a lot. But I have zero interest in opening up to her again in any honest fashion, I don't care to extend much grace to her, and I'm hurt. Am I wrong here? What am I missing? Did I apply to much pressure by being honest about how I felt? If you were me, would you brush it off? Please help me figure this out.

My take is that Sue doesn't have a spine and just kept going with whoever pushed her harder and put more pressure on her. So I suspect the person with the other wedding put more pressure on her than you did. She didn't base her decision on how much she cares about anyone, just on who she thought she could afford to piss off more. Because you and her have been close for so long, it looks like she thought she had more room to disappoint you than the other person. A crummy way to make this decision for sure and it doesn't excuse her. I don't blame you for being upset.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I think it's most likely this dynamic.

What's hurtful is that it sounds like Sue has repeatedly not been honest. OP, I don't think sharing your feelings with a friend of several decades is "pressuring" someone; that's what friends do. It's not like you threatened her. That said, if the PP is right about why Sue made the choice she did, she doesn't see her behavior as personally hurtful to you, even though it is. Hence, radio silence.

Do this first before you comment. It is pretty basic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not losing her mind. The friendship is NOT what Op thought. The friend is not a desirable friend.

Agree. Friend knew of OP daughter wedding and was too chicken to be honest with her that she's prefer to go to a coworker's wedding instead. And I don't care that she introducted the couple. Big nothing. Don't you make introductions all the time? This was not a BFF that she set up with DH's frat brother or something. Give me a break.

Sue made a different decision than you. It isn't right or wrong but, it is her decision. And she was chicken because she knew op would pressure her. You don't know the whole story about Sue and introducing the couple. It doesn't really matter. Sue wanted to be at the friends' wedding more than the friend's daughter's wedding. And that is ok!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has been pretty gracious in this thread (or at least she was, I think she stopped replying) and has admitted the stress of wedding planning etc got to her head a bit and that she plans on reaching back out to her friend as she has likely overblown the situation in her mind. The pile on is unnecessary.

I think friend doesn’t have much of a backbone and was afraid to disappoint anyone. She should have rsvpd no and been direct with her friend. Waiting for OP to call and then flip flopping back and forth is no good.

I also think OP should show her friend some grace. I’m sure she is already aware friend is a people pleaser who has issues saying no. She was paralyzed by fear of disappointing anyone. Definitely doesn’t have to be a friendship dealbreaker.

OP stopped replying because she already resolved this and updated with a post several pages back, folks!

She apologized to her friend and to the friend's DH as well. OP was indeed gracious and was able to step back from her emotions and recognize she was in the wrong and should not risk a long friendship over this.

Of course people can keep posting on this topic in general but be aware that the OP did have a final outcome about which she informed us. So don't expect the OP to still be reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has been pretty gracious in this thread (or at least she was, I think she stopped replying) and has admitted the stress of wedding planning etc got to her head a bit and that she plans on reaching back out to her friend as she has likely overblown the situation in her mind. The pile on is unnecessary.

I think friend doesn’t have much of a backbone and was afraid to disappoint anyone. She should have rsvpd no and been direct with her friend. Waiting for OP to call and then flip flopping back and forth is no good.

I also think OP should show her friend some grace. I’m sure she is already aware friend is a people pleaser who has issues saying no. She was paralyzed by fear of disappointing anyone. Definitely doesn’t have to be a friendship dealbreaker.

OP stopped replying because she already resolved this and updated with a post several pages back, folks!

She apologized to her friend and to the friend's DH as well. OP was indeed gracious and was able to step back from her emotions and recognize she was in the wrong and should not risk a long friendship over this.

Of course people can keep posting on this topic in general but be aware that the OP did have a final outcome about which she informed us. So don't expect the OP to still be reading this thread.

Op, you were not gracious in any of your actions. I'm glad you apologized because you were wrong and it was the right thing to do.. Hopefully you have learned from this and your friendship continues.

I'm glad you realized you were wrong.

FYI when you post on a forum asking about your actions you lose control over how many times people will give their opinion on your actions.

If you're tired of people telling you you were wrong. You'll have to ask Jeff to close the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

This is over the top, op.

+1 It really is over the top OP and makes you look like you are the drama kind. Not a good look and it makes me wonder what the real story is here.