How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sucks, and I would be disappointed, but I would never end a friendship over it. One of my close friends (roommate from grad school) missed my wedding, despite getting our save-the-date first and telling us (informally) that she would be there, because in the intervening time one of her best friends from growing up scheduled her wedding the same weekend. She was maid of honor in the other friend's wedding and it took priority for her. I was hurt but I understood that she was in a tough spot. My wedding was definitely way more fun and she still mentions occasionally how much she regrets missing it!

Anyway, in this case, it's your daughter's wedding, not even yours. I get wanting your BFFs there but I think you overreacted. Think about how many kids there are between the four of you - is everyone expected to be at every kid's wedding, no exceptions? After the wedding, I think you should reach out and say no hard feelings, you were hurt in the moment and wedding stress caused you to overreact, and you hope you can both shake it off and move on.

PP, you do realize that she is most likely just saying this to make all involved feel better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has been pretty gracious in this thread (or at least she was, I think she stopped replying) and has admitted the stress of wedding planning etc got to her head a bit and that she plans on reaching back out to her friend as she has likely overblown the situation in her mind. The pile on is unnecessary.

I think friend doesn’t have much of a backbone and was afraid to disappoint anyone. She should have rsvpd no and been direct with her friend. Waiting for OP to call and then flip flopping back and forth is no good.

I also think OP should show her friend some grace. I’m sure she is already aware friend is a people pleaser who has issues saying no. She was paralyzed by fear of disappointing anyone. Definitely doesn’t have to be a friendship dealbreaker.

OP stopped replying because she already resolved this and updated with a post several pages back, folks!

She apologized to her friend and to the friend's DH as well. OP was indeed gracious and was able to step back from her emotions and recognize she was in the wrong and should not risk a long friendship over this.

Of course people can keep posting on this topic in general but be aware that the OP did have a final outcome about which she informed us. So don't expect the OP to still be reading this thread.

Op, you were not gracious in any of your actions. I'm glad you apologized because you were wrong and it was the right thing to do.. Hopefully you have learned from this and your friendship continues.

I'm glad you realized you were wrong.

FYI when you post on a forum asking about your actions you lose control over how many times people will give their opinion on your actions.

If you're tired of people telling you you were wrong. You'll have to ask Jeff to close the thread.

I wrote the post to which you're responding. I am not OP. You seem to think I'm OP sock-puppeting and referring to myself in the third person....Nope.

And you need to learn to read with more care. I never said people shouldn't keep replying here; in fact, I said, "Of course people can keep posting on this topic in general...." It's right there if you care to pay attention. I am pointing out above that the OP is probably long gone, after clearly posting a "what happened" post.

No one's trying to claim she or any OP wants "control over how many times people will give their opinions." How dramatic of you to think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

Agree. This isn’t your wedding OP. Back off. It seems logical for her to go to her actually friend’s wedding, of whom she introduced to their spouse, over your DD’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has been pretty gracious in this thread (or at least she was, I think she stopped replying) and has admitted the stress of wedding planning etc got to her head a bit and that she plans on reaching back out to her friend as she has likely overblown the situation in her mind. The pile on is unnecessary.

I think friend doesn’t have much of a backbone and was afraid to disappoint anyone. She should have rsvpd no and been direct with her friend. Waiting for OP to call and then flip flopping back and forth is no good.

I also think OP should show her friend some grace. I’m sure she is already aware friend is a people pleaser who has issues saying no. She was paralyzed by fear of disappointing anyone. Definitely doesn’t have to be a friendship dealbreaker.

OP stopped replying because she already resolved this and updated with a post several pages back, folks!

She apologized to her friend and to the friend's DH as well. OP was indeed gracious and was able to step back from her emotions and recognize she was in the wrong and should not risk a long friendship over this.

Of course people can keep posting on this topic in general but be aware that the OP did have a final outcome about which she informed us. So don't expect the OP to still be reading this thread.

Op, you were not gracious in any of your actions. I'm glad you apologized because you were wrong and it was the right thing to do.. Hopefully you have learned from this and your friendship continues.

I'm glad you realized you were wrong.

FYI when you post on a forum asking about your actions you lose control over how many times people will give their opinion on your actions.

If you're tired of people telling you you were wrong. You'll have to ask Jeff to close the thread.

I think you’re misinterpreting a lot of the conversation as OP and other posters, I don’t think OP has been in this thread for a while now. I agree that OP shouldn’t take the situation too seriously and shouldn’t let it impact the friendship but I also think her friend should have RSVPd and indicated she was not attending instead of revealing this at the last moment when OP had to reach out to her directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

Plus 1. I think you are being a little unreasonable and demanding here. As a good friend to her, you should acknowledge that she may have other things going on besides your daughter’s wedding. This is about your daughter- focus on being there for your daughter and not on friends being there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

Plus 1. I think you are being a little unreasonable and demanding here. As a good friend to her, you should acknowledge that she may have other things going on besides your daughter’s wedding. This is about your daughter- focus on being there for your daughter and not on friends being there for you.

Exactly. Like you already did 20 pages ago…

[Anonymous]

Sue made it clear she wanted to go to the other wedding. While she is friends with you she is not friends with your daughter. She is not blood. Sue wants to have fun at an adult wedding with people her age, that she introduced/ had a hand in pairing, and where she may be an “honored guest” of sorts.

Sue graciously offered to attend the ceremony of your daughter, show face, drop off a gift blah blah blah and skeddadle. Two fewer people to feed at the reception. Why even mention the deposit your daughter paid??? Is Sue the only person attending? Would the deposit be that much more or less if Sue was staying for the reception?

Give it a rest. She was trying to make it work but you took it too far.

[Anonymous]

Did OP provide an update on this? What happened with Sue after the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

I think the fact that it is a small wedding is weighing heavily on you. My guess is you may be a little sad about that as if it's some indication of you success as a person to have a lot of people to invite. I've been there and it made it too important that friends show up. Eventually I realized what the root of my upset was and it was on me. I get it op but I don't think you should have badgered her about it.

[Anonymous]

I missed my best friend’s wedding. I lived in DC, she lived in Montana, my DH was defending his phD two weeks later, and I just didn’t see how I could fly across the country with our 11 mo old daughter (who I was nursing / wouldn’t have left at home). While my parents were at her wedding, they got word that my sister had a medical emergency. My sister was about a 5 hour drive away. I climbed on a plane (bought tix at night to fly the next day), my friends rallied and brought over packed snacks, toys, helped me pack etc. I flew to be with my sister and help her family (she eventually recovered) and realized I totally could have done it. I was sad to miss it, but my friend understood. We met when we were two, we’re 44 now, and we talk once a month or so. I’m so grateful that the prioritized the value of our friendship over her sadness that I didn’t go to her wedding. My own wedding was small / my parents were limited in the number of guests they got to invite, and I’d like to think if one couldn’t make it they’d be focused on who could be there / the event rather than sad about woo couldn’t. It was the last time my mom and her siblings were together before my uncle passed, for instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re overreacting. How much time would you even spend with her at the reception? Plus, she offered to come to the ceremony (which is the part that really matters) and you made her feel like s*** about that compromise. Yes she handled this wrong but you’re piling on and looking like the petulant child.

NP. Agree. I have 3 close girlfriends going on 40 years! We are very close almost like siblings. I would not be upset at all with my friend in this situation. I am secure in our friendship and would understand the situation. People get so weird about weddings. It’s not YOUR wedding or YOUR big event. If you are truly as close to her as you say, you need to not only move on but also be the first to call and say you overreacted and you get it.